


The Sass Account

by prismdreams



Category: Harry Styles - Fandom, Louis Tomlinson - Fandom, One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Humor, Best Friends, Comfort/Angst, Drama, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fame, Famous, Fanatics, Fandom, Fanfiction, Fans, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Inspiration, Loneliness, Long-Term Relationship(s), Love, Male-Female Friendship, Muses, Musicians, POV Female Character, POV First Person, POV Male Character, Platonic Romance, Ratings: R, Reality TV, Relationship(s), Romance, Secret Identity, Sex, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Singing, Social Media, Songwriting, Twitter, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Vacation, Work In Progress, X-Factor - Freeform, alias - Freeform, celebrity, fan worship, life - Freeform, lonely, on a break, one direction - Freeform, sass account, singer - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-19
Updated: 2015-10-01
Packaged: 2018-03-13 17:46:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 73,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3390581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prismdreams/pseuds/prismdreams
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Twitter is one of the most popular web sites on the internet. For Louis Tomlinson its an outlet for people to publicly kiss his ass, crazy and obsessed fans to stalk him for a simple follow on a daily basis whenever he tweets and various people he doesn't know re-tweeting and favorite whatever random thing he says in the thousands. Sounds great right?</p><p>Wrong, he was so over it.</p><p>For once he wanted to know what people really thought of him. Why not walk among the fans? So on a whim he created a sass account and from then on the truth about himself from the fans was revealed. Good as well as the bad.</p><p>One fan, or so he thought she was had gotten on his nerves. He tapped the follow button and the fun ensued.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Louis**  
  
Being famous is great but it can also get on your last nerve.  
  
The lads and I are finally taking a breather from being One Direction, much to the chagrin of our most devoted fans. For 3 years straight it's been nothing but touring, singing and recording for the next album. It's amazing I retained a sense of myself in the end of it all.  
  
But I couldn't fully complain. My life has been just the best so far. I loved all the times I've had with the guys.  
  
But in another sense, we all really needed this break. I love what I do but I don't want to feel burned out from it. I don't want to get sick of what I love. I want to still enjoy things in my life. But I want for everything to be simple again.  
  
This is a great life. Getting paid to completely live your dream, having people adore you practically 24/7. It's all wonderful and we worked hard for all of it. I don't think anyone in the business works harder than us.  
  
Our fans are great too. So dedicated and supportive I don't know any other fandom is as infatuated as ours. People you never met wanting to know everything about you because they see your name in lights. The celebrity world is a flashy life, not going to lie here. Almost too flashy sometimes. It's just, wow; I can't fully describe what my mind goes through when I sit down and think about it. I really can't actually understand everything at once.  
  
I guess that's what I'm doing now. Reflecting on what I've accomplished. The decadence of my livelihood is finally being dissected. I didn't think I would feel so genuinely tired from it all. Guess this is what happens when you've worked non-stop for a few years straight.  
  
I just bought a spacious flat in Los Angeles and decided to live a more quiet life. After staying in loads of hotels you start to miss coming home again. I wanted to make a new one. I guess our album title really does ring true when I think about it. I sighed, it feels weird having my own flat to myself but at the same time it's what feels right.  
  
I looked out the window of my balcony at all the people walking around my neighborhood. I guess I'm the most well-known person here. I sometimes wonder what it would feel like to be anonymous. Go back to the way things were before all the success and do what I love to do without all the extra attention. Personally I don't know about the other guys, maybe Harry would disagree, sometimes I wish I knew what it was like to see things through the eyes of a fan.  
  
Like on Twitter. That lovely place where you can be practically anyone and say whatever you want to and to anyone anytime of the day. Let me tell you this about Twitter, from my perspective, its a lovely place to be stalked and bashed at the same time. I love it in actuality.  
  
Whenever I tweeted fans would gush to favorite and retweet whatever it was I said, even if I was taking a shit and it hurt afterward. That's pretty graphic and I wouldn't tweet something like that but it just goes to show the world as I see it as a famous verified somebody. I just get the feeling our fans would literally respond to everything we say, negative, positive or even the mundane. I'm not sure how to take that really.  
  
Jesus, it was funny the first few times it happened to us. Harry even brought it up whenever he tweeted or followed some random fan. Their reactions. That's what it is. Some random fans begging for a follow just so it will make their life. Really? A follow from five normal guys just living their dreams will do that? I wish I could understand the mental psychosis of what goes on through a fan's mind. Even a non-fan. Why do they like me?  
  
Or really…  
  
Why do they hate me?  
  
It's funny how I'm more curious about the negative question than the other. A lot of the negative stuff that people say is because they're jealous anyway; the other part may be true. I wonder what it would be like to get inside the head of someone who hates us. It takes time and dedication to hate just as much as it takes to love something. It means you still care.  
  
But I've always wanted to know why they go there…what exactly did I do?  
  
I took my phone and sat on my new plush couch. It had that newly bought leather smell as I sunk into it. I started scrolling down the screen on Twitter and sighed. I saw a bunch of lovely comments, perverted ones and a handful of hate/bash/gay slurs. Gotta love those. A lot of those fake accounts with my name on it. It's boring to sue them plus management has better things to do then waste their time with more haters. That's like suing Perez Hilton for being a professional bully.  
  
I started writing up a tweet.  
  
_@Louis_Tomlinson moved into my flat, life can't get better than it is now ! Los Angeles is buzzin' !_  
  
I dropped my phone on the coffee table and shut my eyes. What would it be like to actually become a fan of ours? I wonder what they go through. I wanted to know if they really care about us or is it because we're famous all around the world, are reasonably fit as a fiddle and have decent, sometimes sexy singing voices? It's not fair. There's no way to really know unless you switch bodies with one of them.  
  
Or is there? Can we really be among the people who make us who we are? Hmm, that's an idea for the books. Or is it possible?  
  
I logged onto my laptop and signed off of my official Twitter page. I had a funny feeling all of a sudden. This might actually work. No, I hadn't had anything to drink and I'm not under any psychedelic drugs. This is pure Louis. Actually this is a Tommo idea. Louis would probably think it strange among other things. I say nay, why the hell not? It might be kinda fun not being messed and obsessed with and just be a part of the people for a change. We still are people, so the fans forget.  
  
Now I need a name. Something inconspicuous and yet fan-friendly since it'll be public. I want fans to follow me but I don't care if it's ten or ten thousand or even ten million. I'm up to about 16 million right now and I don't talk to anyone other then my tour mates and occasionally the lads. There are those DMs from people I randomly follow that I ignore. I feel shitty sometimes when I do that, no bull shit. Mum always checks up on me. I shrugged. This celebrity Twitter has done me good since 2010, it's time to be real. This could work. Now for a name.  
  
I tapped my chin with the tip of my fingers. Well, I could be a guy Directioner, I don't wanna be a girl, I'm a sassy bastard but I couldn't pull off talking in a girl's mind let alone understand girls.  
  
Oh I've got it! I took one of my emails I barely use and began to register a new Twitter page under the username:  
  
@TroyAustin1D (Name: Guy Directioner)  
  
I sound like I play professional American Football. This is perfect. I sat back in my chair and folded my hands behind my head. I was proud of this idea. I truly wonder what the hell people really talk about when they're not tweeting me directly. I guess I signed up for a rude awakening. The guys have to hear about this…  
  
I grabbed my phone from the couch and dialed a familiar number.  
  
About 3 rings then an answer finally.  
  
"Harry, hey, you will never guess what I just did now…"


	2. Chapter 2

** **

**Charlie**  
  
I sighed deeply, surveying my surroundings like I'd done many times before. Back to life. Back to the world I tired to put off but it didn't give. My name is Charlie Anderson and this is where I'm going to live the rest of my years on this planet.  
  
Eh, if I had to choose between this life and the one I tried to secure previously, I guess this was the safer way. I made an attempt for the other one. I lost. Nothing in my life has been premeditated. I tried very hard to live by the principle of hard work and minuet talent as a drive. Instead it was just work and more work. Punch the clock while blowing raspberries at the fucked up shit and laugh at the rest of the things that don't make sense.  
  
Like this intro, it's confusing isn't? I am a stickler for those actually. Well right now my mind feels actually more muddled and actually kind of delicate. I'm a weird one what can I say? If my life wasn't so mundane and plain I wouldn't worry so much about trying to change it. I gave up trying years ago. I guess I lost my chance when I lost my opportunities. The ones I'll never get back again. But I don't want to bore your ass with those.  
  
My life story reads in fragments and I'm getting used to the mediocrity I feared of some years ago. Doesn't mean I didn't despise it. On the contrary, it could always be better, but it doesn't and for that alone, this is where you have me.  
  
23, outwardly sighing through the seconds that are my days, 30 minute lunch breaks, having co-worker acquaintances cancel often on you confessing their much attended to "family emergencies" as a plausible excuse. I beg to differ; of course society doesn't permit me to be so forthright with these people. Oh I wish on the top of my list that there lived more honest souls among our race. I've wondered what kind of world that would be. We've done so well keeping up with fallacies and untruths; I wonder how challenging the thought of being real would pose for our generation of humanoids? Would it kill them? Would the truth about themselves hurt deep to the core?  
  
I guess the monotonous drudge of waking up and converting oxygen into carbon dioxide is a challenge all in its own. I never had a plan. I suppose this is why I'm a clerk. I had dreams, maybe in my yesteryear or something, but those are long since buried. No one understands this shit but me, so don't try to decode this perspective.  
  
I began stacking something in the perfume isle of the Wal-Mart I belonged to when I heard my name being called.  
  
My supervisor just informed me that I am needed in the music department. Oh joy. Can't wait to saunter over in a department that no one really purchases anymore. Ah, Napster is like a godsend. I sort of did a mental celebration when I found out you can actually steal the songs you love just by sharing them with other people you've never met before. A breakthrough in technology if there ever was one. College students and the less fortunate benefited.  
  
I preferred being at register mainly because it's the only time of the day I get to touch that much money, even if it's not mine. Money is a necessity for me. I don't treat it like chocolate as soon as I have more than I had before. It's part of the pillar of existence. It's also the root of all things evil. It makes otherwise cavemen and women, confident and omnipotent. God-like if you will. It's like a secret society that a small group belong to. Having money gives you power; mostly for bad reasons. Power and fame is the worst combination since Hollywood started calling Jessica Alba a dramatic actress.  
  
We're told to adore these people. The extremely fortunate. Why? Because of their money? Their arguably good looks? All their accolades brainwashing us to think they are some kind of rock star gods. Please with a capital P. Maybe it's just the celebrity part I got a problem with. I hate being told what to listen to and who to like. That music industry is no different. In fact, it's the worst it's ever been in years. The steady decline of quality, subject to debate, has dropped rapidly. I barely listen to the radio. Wal-Mart has that all-purpose radio station they love to shove in the employee's faces as well as torture their eardrums.  
  
The annoyance of auto-tuning, songs about smut instead of substance, feeling and character has replaced what was once real music to me. Whatever happened to music having depth?  
  
I was told to stack the CDs in the shelves that people love to mess up in alphabetical order. Fuck yeah, that's fun. Shifting through all the wasted top 40 is exactly what I dream of doing. I guess I try not to think about it so much and just get it over with. Usually there's always more to do afterward so it's over pretty quick.  
  
I was flipping through the massive section CDs, organizing the ones with their labels and such. Pop/Rock section always bummed me out because it was crap and more crap we were selling. I miss the days when pop music was more alternative something like the Spin Doctors, Soul Asylum or Toad the Wet Sprocket. Instead all I see is overproduced and overrated Miley Cyrus, Justin Bieber, Selena Gomez and Taylor Swift; it's just a sea of suck. I rolled my eyes and bit my tongue whenever a customer asked if we had the latest so and so record and if it was any good. I've faked so many smiles in here I swear I lost count.  
  
I stopped when my thumb touched the sheathing cover of One Direction's latest release: _Four_. They look like a Hollister Frat party you wanna just blow up. I didn't get it. What was so special about these guys anyhow? They look and sound like little girls and for a boy band they don't even dance. They jump around on stage or so I've heard. What hell kind of entertainment production is that? Jesus H. Christ. The Backstreet Boys and *N'Sync were a blessing compared to these five dolts.  
  
I've been over this several times. Their music is sub par. Of course someone as talented as Ed Sheeran would be pinning their "decently written" tunes since they can't physically do it themselves. Suggesting a line or two doesn't make you a songwriter. The Spice Girls pulled this shit years ago and sadly the public didn't care, because all they were to the industry was an entertainment piggy bank. Plus they looked good and were more about image anyway. With One Direction though, I mean seriously, it's probably too hard to just stand there and maintain six-pack abs, auto-tune the shit out of your voice and have sexy accents.  
  
I can't really decide if I really hate them with good reason or if I'm just jealous. A devoted fan would call me jealous no doubt, even the robots themselves who sing these songs. But I am far from a hater. It's just preference for me. They are single-handedly ruining the music industry with their bull shit antics and crappy songs about a one-night stand that only someone under the age of fifteen would find appealing; and they don't know what that is. Then again, people are dropping like flies in the losing of their virginity department.  
  
Well at least I have my occasional rant on Twitter to look forward to. You gotta love the ability to lampoon people who deserve it. Especially bands like One Direction. It's like Ryan Seacrest, or scripted "reality" shows like American Idol or The Voice, they're easy targets. One of them was displaying a smug smirk in the picture and it was annoying the shit out of me.  
  
Louis Tomlinson. He hates his fans. I just know this. Even he knows it and deep down his retarded fans know it too. He doesn't give two shits about any of them. All he cares about is being famous and dating girls who look like Gonzo and Gumby's aborted baby. Not that I was jealous. There's nothing remotely attractive about him. In fact he looks like a deformed rat with a receding hairline. How does your hair already start thinning by 23? I thought British boys would suppose to be hotter than American asshats. God he is so infuriating I just wanna vomit.  
  
But he has it. He has what everyone wants. He has adoration. People he doesn't know and wouldn't save from a burning building spending their hard-earned money on a concert ticket kissing his ass everyday on Twitter. Marriage proposals, perverted comments from sexually frustrated bitches with pizza faces. I figure there's not a lot going on in his head besides getting laid now that he's single. That walking eating disorder he dated previously couldn't satisfy his needs. Shame. I heard he's living here now, oh fuckity joy. Didn't know the sky was blue either.  
  
"Charlie, come back there. Christina needs you again." Lydia in makeup brushed passed me.  
  
Did I really wanna deal with this now? The last time Christina called me over I was blamed for some crap I didn't cause. I think people are just bored outta their fucking minds here. Looking like they're busy so they don't have to scream every five minutes like the rest of the team so want to do.  
  
I shoved the One Direction CD back in its place. I bet it would sound better crackling in a fire than anywhere else.  
  
"Wonder what I'll be yelled at for something I didn't fuck up now." I mumbled, dragging my body to the back of the store. And by back I mean miles and miles away.  
  
Welcome to my hell. Enjoy the lemonade I made in the lobby, this is my life as you see it. This is as good as it's gonna get.


	3. Chapter 3

** **

**Louis**

I walked into a pub later that night; these LA pubs are really flashy. I feel like everything is new and foreigners are looked on as people from another planet.

I liked this one though. It was called Britannia. How appropriate? I just wanted a good drink and be around people more.

Crazy huh? It's so weird not being here without Paul. But I kinda liked it. I liked being anonymous. Though that probably won't happen being in the position I'm in. Doesn't stop me from trying.

I sat on the stool and scooted up to the bar deck. I took off my beanie hat, ruffling my already messy hair. I haven't shaved in days, the five o'clock shadow probably made me look a bit knackered to folks here. I looked around the pub and noticed everyone is where they should be. A few blokes off in the corner having a chat to each other, a couple others at the billiards table about to tee off; a couple guys watching a Football match and getting sucked in; it seemed like it all made sense. It was like _Cheers_ only there wasn't anyone under 60 here now.

"What can I get ya mate?" I heard next to me and turned to the voice. I told him my drink and he placed the bottle in front of me.

The bartender had the strongest bluest eyes I've ever seen. He was looking at me while he cleaned shot glasses. He came off as someone who'd been here and around the block. And he was English, how authentic? I loved it. I felt safe, like I was back in Doncaster again. I am 21 finally. It's legal but I'm sure this guy would spot me based on my accent alone.

He sounded like he was from Devon and all I can hear was Chris Martin while he talked to someone else who sat down. It was a married couple. They looked to be in their late 60s. I was mesmerized by them. I felt a bit green to the sight. How long had they been married? They looked like they were in it for the long haul.

I thought I was in my last relationship. Trust and keeping something going because you want to go hand-in-hand are what I value. Eleanor couldn't keep up her end of our relationship. Truth is, I haven't been a happy person in a relationship since being with Hannah. She understood me before this life; before all this fame and poise. I was happy with Eleanor, it's just, I don't think people fall out of love completely. Maybe some people are just not meant to be together. I thought she wanted it too. I was happy. I really was. I boosted about it on Twitter especially when that Larry bromance bull shit got out of hand. The fans have a mind of their own. I may have let it get to me.

But at the same time I tried not to let it bother me. It got to the point where Harry and our close friendship was completely destroyed. I could barely look at him like I used to without fans freaking out at every turn. I am not gay. Far from it. And quite frankly I don't think you can call those people fans when they spread such vicious lies. It's only been 2 months since Eleanor and I ended things. Sure I was angry, of course I was angry. I wish she wasn't so secretive during the last trials of our relationship. She got clingy at weird times too. Which added to the weirdness. She used to be so sweet, caring and understanding. Matronly even, like a mum. The lads were there for me when I needed them and I was grateful. Bless them.

I couldn't look at this couple anymore; it was starting to make me sick. I nursed my Jagermeister pint and just stared forward. I didn't want to be noticed tonight. I didn't want to be associated with fame right now. I wanted to be normal. I wanted Louis from Doncaster's life back.

I pulled out my phone, scrolling down Twitter. As usual, I got the same old shit. Didn't anyone have real conversations anymore? I guess technology has yielded that for our generation single-handedly. It's kind of creepy when you think about it.

You know of my love for twitter but there is an evil side to it and when you're a verified name. Drum roll: you actually can't be your authentic self anymore, which feels the best. I am a naturally passionate and serious guy believe it or not. I know people may not believe that because they see me cracking a jokes here and there. I'm an immature young adult. That's me too. I love that but I'm also dark. I wanna actually discuss real things with actual people. Instead of them fawning over how fit I am. Can someone really look in my eyes without commenting on how sexy they are?

Can someone hate them? I want to know if there is a person who can really see the darkness inside me, point it out and bring me down from this pedestal of being a perfect role model.

Maybe I want to be treated like utter shit. People hate on me for obvious reasons: I'm living my dreams and I am undeservingly rich. I have more than I should. What is it like for someone completely the opposite from my life? What demons do they fight with daily?

My phone buzzed and I sulked slightly before sliding the answer tab.

"Harry?"

"I still can't believe you did this…what if management finds out?"

"They won't. No one is going to tell them, right?" I didn't care if I sounded appalling serious.

"I guess so, but mate, I mean, what's wrong with your real one? Don't you find that enough? It's great…we have such amazing fans who love and adore us. They'd do anything for us." Why was Harry confessing all this?

"What's your problem with me doing this? It can't be management."

"Man…it's your twitter. Shouldn't you just have one? Why two? Why do you care about what the fans really think? What matters is that the real ones who love us. Looking at the hate will just make you paranoid."

I knew he wouldn't truly understand why I'm doing this. "Never mind Harry. You tweet and people clobber over it. I tweet and it's the same shit. Zayn doesn't even tweet anymore, let alone fans. No one understands what Liam tweets anymore. And Niall, well, he's a lifer. Why does being liked matter so much to you?"

I really wanted to know. Had we gotten so famous that we lost sight of who we are and now all we care about is being worshiped?

Harry's silence said everything. He sighed deeply and I knew he wouldn't ever get it. Probably because he himself has gone mad with the attention. He does get more than any of us.

"Did you tweet anything? Or even see anything?"

"I haven't yet to either. But I will. I wanna know Harry. Stop pestering me about this. And keep it between us."

I heard commotion on the other end and knew he barely paid attention to anything I said. As dense as Harry can be he's also loyal and a good friend, just not always. He can be a pain for the sake of being one. "Alright Lou, gotta go. Good luck with that. If you get any digits, send it my way."

He seems to think I'm actually gonna pull some girls out of this. Further proof I need to end the conversation now. And that's what I did. No goodbye, just a measly "see ya" before hanging up.

I downed the last bit of my drink before ordering another.

I sent out my first tweet. I had maybe a few lone followers. Mostly spam follows. I decided to hash tagged my name and I was bombarded with messages I didn't fully prepare for.

_@CarrotsForLou He doesn't know it yet but Louis Tomlinson will father my children._

_@SlyGrlForHaz Louis Tomlinson is super gay all. Larry will always be true no matter how much he denies it._

_@malikmybody Uh does Louis care about me at all? I'm starting to think he's taking the breakup with Eleanor harder than I thought._

_@bringonthepayne when will Louis Tomlinson get on twitter and stop sulking about Eleanwhore! XD_

_@Carrotcaligrl If Louis knows what's good for him, he will stay into hiding. That boy needs a spanking for what he did to that gurl!_

_@gr8tatsharreh uhhh if Louis doesn't tweet already I'm gonna have a mini heart attack. We love him so much! He must know! :D_

_@CharNCharge Sometimes I wish Louis Tomlinson knew how it is to struggle._

My attention stopped at that message. It stood out from the rest. For one, she didn't have anything one direction-related in her handle, she put her real name, at least I think so, in the name bar. Just Charlotte. Kind of pretty. Like Cher or Jewel. All you need is one name.

I looked at her list of tweets, all 33 of them. Wow. She fucking hates my guts. What a strong passion of hate for someone who refuses to have a picture of herself in the icon window.

This one did make me chuckle out loud though.

_@CharNCharge Good Lord fans are just waiting for a taste of Louis Tomlinson's table scrapes that is his tweets._

She was quite witty. If it was indeed a girl tweeting all this. I feel it is. But I wouldn't classify that as a hate tweet.

I've seen hate for me firsthand. This was different. It looked like all she was doing was ranting, she wasn't being obsessive either. Not all of her tweets were about me, only a handful of them.

I wonder what a wake-up call it would be to follow her as my verified account. But as I read over her tweet/rants it became obvious. I tapped her follow button as Troy.

Let the chips fall where they may.

My shoulder was tapped and I turned around, staring into the most gorgeous pair of emerald eyes. Her strained, straw-like hair fell passed her shoulders and she looked fully ready, for something. She didn't look like a directioner but at the same time she didn't look like my type either. Easy pass.

"Not tonight babe." I let the babe slip out, old habit.

"You sure about that honey?" She said that like she got paid by the hour.

I don't do random hookups, that's Harry's trademark. She touched my shoulder but I removed it as fast as she put it.

"Completely." I looked at her, my eyes staring hard as I saw some fear build in hers. She stepped away, giving me the stink eye.

Right so. I bet she smells down there anyhow. I'm not missing much from sloppy celebrity seconds. I bet Harry already worked this one. Gag me. Not my business.

I checked my phone for any recent notifications. I turned off my verified ones. I don't have normal notifications but with the famous accounts I talk to there's selective settings on those. I don't want to be reminded of that. I checked for the real reason: Charlotte didn't reply yet. What if she blocked me? Who knows, she may confront me.

I'll be waiting when she does. Hoping its still a girl. I still support that it is. Gay men aren't as witty as that, not that I would know.


	4. Chapter 4

** **

**Charlie**

Dragging the last of the garbage out to the chute, I thought this was the perfect time to blow off some steam. More like carbon monoxide type of steam. I was closing tonight so those asshats wouldn't care to give me the third degree.

I was supposed to be inside and not lighting up but you gotta do what you want sometimes. I took out a bent cig from my pocket and lit it, breathing the only air I missed. Not lying here. Smoking is terrible for prolonging your health and makes you stink like a landfill but life is short anyway. Making a lot of mistakes gets you there faster. A realist would agree, nothing is guaranteed anymore.

Wal-Mart is one of those places this country likes to bury themselves in. Whatever that means. Suppose it's all something I'm not meant to understand but just nod and shut my mouth to. Why me? I leaned against the cold, white brick wall closing my eyes. The slight perspiration on my cheeks cooling me in the open breeze. Now this was refreshing. I pulled my hair from the tie down letting it all hang out. I was hit with an epiphany. I spend way too much time thinking about Louis, especially at work. Why did I care so much what a retarded pop star was doing at this moment? Or rather who he was doing now that his dick isn't in a mason jar under the sink. Louis Tomlinson has better things to do than worry about the little people. He sure stepped on a lot of them on his golden path to suckcess. Yes that's a word. I invented it like Louis invented a persona.

Mr. jokster. Mr. pardon me, I'm Sassy Spice and totally not in love with the green "orbed," (horrible fan fiction term directioners love to use in their kooky fantasies about the guys) mutant with oven mitts for hands known as Harry mother fucking Styles. Poor kid, he probably has herpes if not the clap already from all the prime trim swarming around him, such a shame at his age. Slow down trigger. By that I mean put your cock firmly in its cage and lock it up until the next cougar devours it. Caroline Flack must be exhausted.

Louis doesn't need to worry about that, he's the sweet, friendly boyfriend type that'll make you piss your panties from laughing too hard. Isn't that what the obsessed Tumblr girls say? Except, oh no, bollocks, Miley Cyrus' Jewish twin crushed his heart into a million pieces. Oh if I could have been a fly on the wall of that traumatizing scene. It was probably more riveting than anything _The Young and the Restless_ came up with. If only fans knew the truth. How much he really despises all those little lemmings following his twitta, addicted to someone who would never look their way in reality. All he cares about is being on top of the world and as many girls he can fork in. Now with Eleanor out of the picture, I'm sure the fans are pushing over cars for the first rebound fuck. No dignity I'm afraid. His fans know no shame.

My thoughts on Eleanor? Those Larry shippers like to call her a beard, probably because she has one. But really, she's an old fashioned fame hag. Of course "hag" being the most appropriate word in the history of words when it comes to describing her to a tee. I'll never get the pleasure to tell her that to her face now that she broke his wittle heart. Good. Pop stars tend to think of themselves as the zenith of life. We must all bow or else? I'd really like to know the answer to that question.

I checked my phone. Fucking 11pm. I hated closing but for some reason it was a lot more peaceful for me. Maybe in a distant land where I am completely alone with a lifetime supply of cigarettes, water and tuna cans will I find personal paradise. I can only dream for things to fair in that direction.

"Charlie, I need you to count the till, wanna get out early tonight." Christina kiss-my-ass Peterson shook me out of my reverie.

"Do it yourself." I spoke back. Losing my job wouldn't be the worst thing.

Christina marched toward me, taking the cig right out of my mouth, stumping on it the ashes hard like some prissy babysitter. She didn't know I took a puff before and blew smoke in her face, smirking.

Her face flustered and I was proud of myself for a moment.

"Get inside now." Her tone was attempting to scare me but it slid passed honestly. "Cut the shit." She looked at me up and down. I swear she must be a les by now.

I rolled my eyes as she turned around, giving me the disapproving eye before disappearing back in the store. I kicked an empty Yeagarmeister bottle against the wall watching it smash loudly, the pieces scattered around me. I'm good at despising things. This is what I do best. Bug and get on everyone's nerves so they want nothing to do with me in the end.

In this world, in every sense, we're kind of alone. I am just more vocal about it than most. Homeless people tend to understand this more than your typical celebrity. They've got nothing to lose. Even their lives are expendable but they know the truth. I do understand why the suicide rate in this country has risen. Being a religious junkie shouldn't stop anyone from doing something we all will come to anyway.

Suppose its politically incorrect, I don't know. Tons of people wanna live forever and it's useless. Why would you want to? Especially if your life is filled with naysayers and ne'er do wells clogging up where accomplishments should be.

I am bitter, fuck you, I am proudly bitter. I don't try to hide it either like most.

I glanced at my dead cig before stomping to the back door, opening it up ready for earfuls coming my way. Just good old Christina, keeping us in line. You can't fully be yourself here and you get a gold star with reaping rewards when you act like your shit don't stink. It's the way of the land in this fluorescent warehouse of clutter. If weren't for all the people, I'd find it decently amusing. For now I find it awkwardly lampoonable.

Wal-Mart, like New York, doesn't sleep. I knew it was just Christina and I since all of the lights were shut off in the main house ware departments.

I dragged my relatively alive corpse toward the employee office. It smelled like old avocados and Rubbermaid sheets. Christina glanced at me through her half glasses, this old bag could use a few days out of the sun but good luck telling her that without triggering a hot flash. Her big blue eyes targeted where I stood and I crossed my arms while she was signing some documents on her desk.

"Sit Charlotte." She said sternly, earning a roll of my eyes. I didn't budge.

"Why?"

"Because I have something to tell you and I need your full attention."

What the hell? I'm not interested in having heart-to-hearts. "Is it a lecture cuz I'm not in the mood?"

She scoffed and pulled up the metal chair with the broken cushions. This place is really going out of their way to make us feel at home.

I moved forward when she stared at me, blue eyes enlarged like a dragon. I finally sat down as she clipped a few papers together, binding them into a section of the folder envelop. Did she want me to watch her?

She took off her glasses that were attached to her neck, it hung loosely as I waited, my hands stuffed between my lap. She looked far off; it was like she was rehearsing it all in her head.

"I need you to work the holiday. Register. My sister is going into surgery and I have to be there for her."

"Chris—"

"Charlotte, I need this." She stared me strongly, holding my attention as she smiled sadly. "I have to be with her."

I'm not a fan of doing favors for other people, especially if I'm not getting anything from it. The look she had right now would have made my heart crack slightly if it wasn't so exaggerated. Christina's sister was in really bad shape. I couldn't keep track of all her health issues since it had nothing to do with me. Christina would often make it my problem. It's like she wants me to care and cry with her.

I winced, rubbing my eyes, already bored out of my mind. "Fine, whatever. Keep the details to yourself." I stood up without excusing myself from the office.

"You know, Charlie, it couldn't hurt if you were a little more compassionate." Christina said behind me.

I felt her walking up to me, she had her advice giving voice turned on and I felt like choking her.

"I said I would do it. What more do you want?" I threw my hands up; annoyed I was having this conversation to start.

I walked over to the till banks, doing what I normally do. Christina still would not let up. I could feel her breathing on me as she just stared at me for a few seconds.

"A heart for one. It doesn't make you a bad person to be more caring. One day you'll regret being so callous."

I narrowed my eyes but didn't turn to her. "You don't know me."

"And neither do you sweetie. Your behavior is the worst it's ever been. Whatever is making you so mad just get some help. Then people here won't find you so offensive."

"Christina, leave me the fuck alone. I said I'd cover the shifts. This is where the talking ends."

She was quiet for a long moment and I thought she was finally going to cease the bull shit.

"One day someone is going to make you see how being this way isn't getting you anywhere. It's going to be a big wake up call."

I gritted my teeth. I've had enough. I pushed the till tray and I saw her jump up. My sudden rage shook her up. "You don't know me old lady. Let's stick to what we know."

She clucked her tongue, shaking her head. My one rule in life is don't judge what you don't know or who you don't know.

Christina's attempts at trying to understand me never seem to come through. She just wouldn't get off this bull shit. It's not like I shut myself away from everyone.

Just to coworkers. One day she'll get over it. I don't worry so much. In fact I don't make worrying a full time job. I'll leave that to her. Thank god she left me alone for the rest of my closing moments.

I finished bounding the money and charts, doing my last checks around the store. It was completely dark by the time I came to the entrance. Clocking out, I did a once over like always.

I took off my blue vest but kept my name tag. I turned it over when I walked outside back into the breeze. Didn't want people knowing my name for free unless I was on the clock. I pulled a brand new cig out; blazing that fucker like my life depended on it. The irony is sweet isn't it?

I checked my phone. A bunch of mixed calls from my mom, the usual shebang. I left my twitter on, like anyone ever messages me on there. My mentions are practically zilch since I signed up, which wasn't too long ago.

Something caught my eye though as I looked at my followers.

Huh? This is weird.

I looked at my phone wondering what the hell was going on.

"Who's Troy?"


	5. Chapter 5

** **

**Louis**

I laid in bed staring up at the ceiling in inexplicable thought.

Charlotte.

She didn't answer me. She probably thought I was crazy to follow her.

My head hit the pillow. Maybe this was a shit idea. I got up and walked to the fridge, getting a beer. I know I shouldn't be drinking this late but it's one of those times where you have no choice. Maybe I need someone to talk to. I'm not calling a hotline. I have tons of friends through emails and social media but sometimes I wonder who'd be by my side when I really need them. The type of friend that doesn't ask for anything in return, just comes over because they sense the need in your voice.

Charlotte. I was damn curious. But will talking to her actually solve? Was Harry right?

Maybe chatting to a hater will just make me feel worse. I didn't know. All I cared about really was knowing why. What did I do to make her say those things about me? I'm grasping for straws at that one. Why was she being so spiteful to someone she's never met and only knows through the media? Fans want to know us so badly, but do they really? Do they care what swims around my head when the cameras turn off? What about behind closed doors, the moment before I go to sleep? The moments where I don't trust myself around anyone.

I thought Eleanor did. I thought a lot of people understood me. They say all this fame is suppose to make you grow up fast. Really it just feels clogged up. You truly can't trust anyone and when you think you do, you're proved wrong again and again.

I wondered what Charlotte was thinking, what she did for a living, what she was doing right now. Was she really a fan of us or was she truly a hater and there's no convincing her otherwise?

I'd really like to know the answer to that.

I grabbed my phone and logged out of my faux account and back into the verified one. I guess this is the one that's supposed to represent me right? Confession time: management has control over my password and I'm actually not allowed to tweet every fucking thought in my head as it is. Proof being that they've deleted "uncouth" tweets that represented the real me in the past and I couldn't do a damn thing about it. Oh sure, I can tweet about touring, recording, promos, awards/accolades, our love for our fans every time I clock in a million followers, we're kind of expected to. Somebody has to sell our music in case they forgot we're in the business. It sucks in other ways, I feel robbed going on here. I bite my tongue, roll my eyes and just do it. There were conspiracies about that being true, I guess it's one of the few things the fans actually got right. That and I really did cry when The Wanted tried to jump us in the recording studio. Not especially proud of that one.

Regardless, our fans love us. No matter what we tweet. Majority of them really only care about whom I shag. The answer right now is no one. I've had offers in the last 2 months but all of them wouldn't feel right. My head and heart have to be near each other in a mutual agreement for me to even think of that. It was just too soon after the breakup. I didn't want to do that anyone. Can you live with yourself if you did that and got away with it? That's not the way I tick. I am a sexual person, right time, right moment, circumstance; watch out, otherwise, it's of no interest to me. I need to learn to be friends with someone first before considering anything beyond that.

This Twitter bull shit doesn't make it any easier. What's really on my mind? Do you lot really wanna know this?

For once I wanna tweet something authentic. Something fans will ponder and genuinely scratch their heads to. Maybe even learn something about the real me. I guess in a way, the real me is locked inside my heart. My head does most of the tweeting, sometimes I use swear words, oh, the fans cream themselves when I do that. Pull out the sassy boi card on various celebs slagging us off randomly. I mean, yeah, it's amusing and shit. Oh, by the way, to whoever it may concern, Harry only says he hates girls who swear to collect pussy. It's the classic I want a Madonna in the kitchen and a Fergie in the beddy bye. Harreh Harold, that is a naughty boy if there ever was one.

I'll probably have to turn off my phone after this makeshift tweet for many reasons. One, I'm going to be 100% real and two, it's after midnight, I'll use that as my excuse if they ask why, which I predict. I got a couple tweets from some tour mates, figures and scrolled down those. There's two columns when you're a somebody: one for famous/verifieds and the other for stalkers, I mean the fans, all the people in love with me, proposing their hands to me, propositioning a shag, and those lovely gets that take the Larry thing a bit too far.

It's a bromance people. Plain and simple. I have no desire to suck Harry's shlong (not as big as people think it is, walked in on him, total accident). Sometimes I find it weird when girls like to give blokes a good toss. Sure it feels great but it's so distasteful. BJs feel great but they are not that great. Call me gay or whatever, I feel weird when a girl actually admits she likes it. I am a big romantic guy and it ruins a guy's rep to admit that. I think kissing is much more satisfying than rounding third base by a mile.

Aha! That's it! By George I've got it!

I began typing it up, licking the front of my teeth at the cheekiness of it…

_@Louis_Tomlinson a really good snog is hard to come by…but I'm still on the watch ! xx_

Yeah it's suggestive. Yeah it's pompous and juvenile but who gives a fuck? I'm tweeting what I want. I'm doing what I want with my twitter. I await the barrage of PR handlers raining on my parade but this is getting fun now! I like this. I really like being honest. There's no greater feeling. As Troy I can really be myself. I wanted to keep that as well. This will be sure to tick everyone off. I giggled slightly as I sent it.

I blew out a full breath of air. Yes! I'm real. I exist.

Holy shit…Charlotte's online…

How do I know this? She replied to my tweet first…I grinned reading it several times while cracking up.

_@CharNCharge you'll never find her when you're famous…_

Well, well. She replied to me. Does she watch my tweets like every other fan out there? Maybe she is a fan after all. Interesting tweet.

I almost tweeted a reply as the verified me, shit. Don't wanna do that. Don't wanna go there.

I logged out of it and back into Troy.

Time to breath life into this sass account. Oh yeah. It's about to get bumpy.

I tweeted to Charlotte and took a satisfying swig of my beer. I looked at the tweet, placing my phone on the charger making certain to keep it alive for what's to come.


	6. Chapter 6

** **

**Charlie**

I rubbed my eyes, my mood changed suddenly and I didn't like it.

First this guy Troy Austin, the gayest name ever, followed me on Twitter out of nowhere, now it's passed 1am and he sent me a tweet.

Have I been spotted? Shit. Suddenly, take cover seems more like an option now. Who is this bastard? His tweet was hysterical actually. In that: what-the-fuck-are-you-talking-about-how-do-you-know-me way. Sassy dude. Least I think it's a guy. Might be a queer, his title says "Guy Directioner." It may be a close call here.

And I was doing fairly decent too. I just finished harassing Louis tonight, like fuck he'll read it, don't really care anyway. He's probably curled up to whatever current VD he's got in his boudoir. I happen to be online when he is, how cute? It's like we _think_ the same. We're definitely gonna get married now. Fuck, I'd sooner walk into traffic high on a coke binge then be caught anywhere near his skulking ass. And what an ass it is. I could use it as an ottoman cushion.

This Troy guy has to be gay. He's a fan of 1D, probably sulking with emo hair, I know it. I looked at his icon.

_Garden State._

I like this movie. Fuck. I scowled.

Ok that must be his emo side coming through, assuming it's a dude and not a guy who just had a sex change. No Chaz Bono's here please. Holy shit. I think I am assuming way too much right now. It could be just a joke.

After I sent that very nice, honest tweet to Luigi Tommo, this guy comes back and fucking says, well, here's what he fucking said…

_@TroyAustin1D come on now, famous people can still find a good snog. Fairies don't know everything :)_

Oh. My. Lanta. Uh, ok, I have a fairy in my icon picture, my choice, why show my face when being anonymous is way more fun? This guy is trying to corner me with grandiose wit. There's no fucking way I'm letting this might-be-gay-jerks-to-Louis-before-bed throw the crown off the wit train.

I'm married to that title. It's what I am. It's all I've got left.

_@CharNCharge fairies know a lot more about a famous fairy than a Guy Directioner. Go fuck yourself :P XD_

I thought I was out of the woods. I placed my phone back on the charger. I walked to the fridge, grabbing a chilled water, chugging it profusely. The icy liquid trickled down my throat. Though it backfired, it started to sting going down.

My phone beeped. Now I was fully awake. I grabbed a beer and took my phone in my hand angrily sitting inside my covers.

_@TroyAustin1D if I could we wouldn't be talking…famous people have feelings too yanno? :P_

Huh? Alright now it's personal. I had half a mind to block this fucktard the second he followed me. Assuming it's still a guy. I really wanted to know who this guy is and how the fuck did he find me, instead I tweeted…

_@CharNCharge famous people aren't real, they think they are. You wouldn't know, you're normal…_

I threw my phone on the comforter and opened the cold beer. What the fuck? I don't normally drink at this hour but I didn't care. What gives this guy the gull to defend someone as privileged as Louis Tomlinson? I am seriously stomped on why anyone would waste any time. There are better things to do, like, walk around in a circle.

The beep came back as my screen lit the darkness in the room. Gah. I took a long swig nearly downing half of the bottle. Who is this fucker?

I bit my lip, my brows twitching; I could feel my stomach turn as I read the new mention from this jackass Troy.

_@TroyAustin1D everybody's real. Does anyone care to find out for sure? My guess is no right?_

What? I typed a response in a furry.

_@CharNCharge why do you care what I think? Let Louis ask me himself, if he even talks to anyone except famous assholes!_

I was so mad when I tweeted that I couldn't think straight.

His next tweet surprised me.

_@TroyAustin1D he does, and I care because famous assholes are worthless to rely on…I care because I want to…_

But you're just a fan? What the fuck is going on now? This Troy guy was sounding a wee bit crazy. Maybe it was binge drinking night for him and he was just bored, that's why he followed me. Worthless excuse but it still washed. Ugh, this guy is relentless. I typed up a tweet, even though I really should ignore him now.

_@CharNCharge you're just a fan, Louis doesn't care about his fans, neither does anyone else in that faggot band! Stop defending him!_

That ought to show him. Oh no, phone vibrated, he came back.

_@TroyAustin1D why do you hate someone you don't know?_

What?! OK, who is this guy? Did someone break his heart? Did he lose a promotion because he didn't suck enough cock? Wow…this jack off is really pushing my last nerve. I finished the rest of the bottle and opened the another next to me.

_@CharNCharge look, Troy is it? You really need to lay off this. I'm allowed to say how I feel. The truth hurts sometimes, I know, not my problem._

_@TroyAustin1D you didn't answer my question. Why do you hate Louis Tomlinson? Have you met him?_

God no. I wouldn't care to be around that much faggy mediocrity.

_@CharNCharge only in my nightmares. I don't need to meet a dick to know how much of a dick it is._

I smiled drinking a big gulp of my beer, letting the chill slide down my throat. The cold burn of the alcohol buzzing in my head, making me dizzy suddenly.

Shit, can't fall asleep now.

My thoughts are getting the better of me. Why did this loser prick care so much what I thought? He's just a gay jack off just like Louis.

I am tired of these faggot fans digging under my skin. I'm mad at myself for letting it get to me. Fuck. Why was he being so straight forward? Why the hell was he following me? Just to fucking argue with me?

You'd think he himself was Jack McFarland himself, Mr. Tomlinson. But that's impossible. I'm not famous, not verified and not even close to being a fan.

Before I could stop myself I grabbed my phone. Figures, he fucking responded.

_@TroyAustin1D yes you do. You can only judge someone when you know them personally. Truth hurts, right babe?_

Babe? Babe?! Mother fucking asshole. How dare he go there and actually call me a rape term. I was seething with anger; the next few words I tweeted were beyond my control.

_@CharNCharge I hate Louis because he deserves it. He deserves a bad day every day of his pitiful life. FUCK OFF NOW_

I sent the tweet. I need to blow off some steam. Jesus. This guy…I feel like throwing up everything I consumed today. What the fuck? Why is this grade A douche nozzle getting the better of me? I have never felt a rage as I do right now. Was this a fucking prank? Cuz if it is then it's over…

This guy literally came out of left field. Did he honestly think he was going to win here? He didn't know me and I sure as fuck didn't care to know him. I don't need to know Louis personally to fucking decide if I should write fan fiction about him or hate him in peace. The second one is working fine for me. No fucking doubt about it. Until now…

Why the fuck did what he just said before make a ton of sense?

I checked my phone, the bottle dropping from my hands but I ignored it. I stared blankly at the screen.

15 minutes had gone by…

No mentions. No reply. Nothing.


	7. Chapter 7

** **

**Louis**

They did it to me. Modest actually fucking blocked me from logging into my verified twitter. I went to go spring a few new ones I thought of and those mother fuckers took over my famous identity. Now I know why the fans really want these wankers to contract herpes. As a consequence I was expected to do damage control the next few days. Well, not so much me as I'll be locked out of my account but I'm pretty sure to get told off for my "outlandish behavior." Whatever, fuck those tossers. I had my phone turned off that night to avoid altercations I knew would consume me.

I had two options over the rest of the week since management decided to be a dick because I had a sudden attack of conscious. Sulk or continue tweeting as the alias. But really, as the verified account did my tweets hurt anyone? Yes I said "tweets." I made a few lone ones after my infamous, out of the blue snog tweet. The fans weren't bothered really. Besides Charlotte. I don't regret it. You know what the best part of this is? I got to keep Troy. Twitter Troy. Good news for Charlotte.

I'm strange for saying this but I thought our conversation was…honestly pretty interesting.

OK, our first conversation didn't go so great. I think she's still a fan though. Maybe a closet one. She knows enough about me and the guys since she tweets about Liam and me occasionally. Wonder what makes me such a baddie. It's weird, hearing all of that about me was hard but I took it. Maybe parts of it were true. Yes I'm actually saying she had a point on a few things.

She thought I was a douche bag. Check. But it was something else she said that really got me thinking. _Famous people aren't real. You wouldn't know you're normal…_

OK, when I saw that comment I shook. How did she know how fake this world can be sometimes? This is the type of stuff nobody in the business ever talks about unless you're in it or know someone who is. You are told what to do a lot of the time if you wanna be successful. It comes with being on top. You have to hide certain things about your real self if you wanna be the best, if you want a platinum album.

I can understand why people talk about the gay thing, forget about Larry and all that crap. I'm talking about the writers and producers of our albums. I've been through all that weird gay shit like you wouldn't believe. I've been hit on by gay men many times. By that I do mean 99% of our label and producers, males are strictly gay beyond the meaning. It's all hidden though. But I'm not even close to that. The fans have it all wrong there. What is wrong with a guy acting affectionate with his best mate? Honestly now…

Larry used to bother me a lot but now that I'm single, I have to just suck it up with the rest of the shit that comes with being part of that band. It's a great life like I keep saying. It's a shit life too.

Another thing that irked me was how Charlotte acted like she knew me. Like she knows me personally. It's probably all in my head but what she said about not meeting me to know I'm a dick, what was that all about? What was this grudge she had against me that made her talk about me every day?

Our first exchange wasn't so amiable, it's expected. She really wants my head on a plate, and I think it's my job to find out why.

I decided the next few days to take things easy, I've gone several days without tweeting on the verified, not my choice, so a few more won't matter. I think Modest mentioned something about a week, they were gonna tweet on my account, changed the password and all for the time being. Fuck it. I didn't need this shit. I'm not in One Direction right now. I'm living my life. Why is that so hard for management to get through their thick heads? If it means tweeting from a sass account, stalking a "hater" and potential directioner, then tough beans.

I wasn't going to argue with myself about all this in my flat so I dragged my lazy unoccupied ass outside. On the spot I felt like the beach matched my current mood.

So I went to a café in Santa Monica not too far from the Pier and sat along the sandy top hill overlooking the Pacific. I enjoyed these moments. Sometimes when I'm actually doing peaceful things it can motivate me to be creative out of nowhere. I love that. I feel like painting, writing or drawing something. The overcast skies cast a grey shadow over the sandy shores. It reminded me of a scene in a movie. It actually reminded me of back home, but it still had that Hollywood feel to it.

Is this the moment where I meet my one true love? Wishful thinking.

I noticed the beach was pretty empty aside from some patrons laying down a blanket and listening to music. Good time to take a stroll along the shore.

When I made it back to my car I rolled up my pants, weird; it's been a while since I've done this, like meeting an old friend. Hmm, have I forgotten what it feels like to be myself again?

Not sure I want to confront that now. I brought my sandals at my side and took a blanket from the back, my mobile in my jacket pocket. It was my other phone I had. The only other one Modest doesn't know about. I pay for it in my mum's name so management doesn't confiscate it or some shit like that. I guess I keep it on me for emergencies. This was one of those moods.

When I walked over to the back of the beach I noticed someone, a woman, a young girl walking along the shores ahead of me. I could see from over here she looked sad. Her long sandy-colored hair fell passed her shoulders and blew in her eyes. She struggled to see when a huge gust of wind blew all of her hair, clouding her vision. I squinted as I tried to lay the blanket down. Sitting on it, slowly relaxing.

I looked back up and saw the sandy-haired girl carrying her beach sandals in one hand and her phone in the other. She picked it up, glancing at the small screen intently. The light from the phone bringing out her features even more. I couldn't stop staring at her sullen expression. I'd never met her, never seen her before, but I wanted to know, in that moment what was making her so sad. She pursed her lips and wiped the corner of her eyes.

I realized I was staring and stopped for a moment. Didn't I come here for me? Not to gawk at strangers with emotional issues?

" _Oh, oh my god, I'm so sorry." I crashed into someone, rounding the corner of the hallways._

_She looked at the call number on my shirt and I stared into her eyes._

_Her smile curved slightly but her lips trembled. "No problem. Good luck." She offered quietly._

_I blushed, feeling less nervous than I did ten seconds ago. "Sure, you too." I stared at her call number taped on her shirt above her guitar._

_She was going last. That had to have been sad. I stopped her before she started to leave. "I mean that."_

" _Louis, come on, you're up next." I heard the PA announce. I looked at the girl in front of me. More staring at her, again._

_She squinted, looking more nervous than I was. "You better go. Sorry I, I'm sorry." She began backing away._

" _Wait, what's your na—" I called out to her but she was gone before I could ask the question._

I shook my head. Huh? What was the fuck was that? Since when do I get flashbacks?

My phone beeped before I could break any of this down. I grabbed it from my jacket, curious who'd reach me and on this phone. It's only family and a few of my closets mates that know about this phone.

It wasn't a phone call, it was a notification. A Twitter notification, on the Troy account, from Charlotte!

I immediately looked at it, waiting for the reply mention to load.

_@CharNCharge I just wanna let you know you're an asshole. Have a nice night :)_

Ah, I see how it is. Guess she's not scared to talk to me after all. Well two can play at that game babe.

_@TroyAustin1D ooo, come on now, that almost sounded like you said something nice to me ;)_

I leaned back, smirking, a bit proud of myself, maybe I had to play her game to really get to the bottom of this. Then I shall! Oh boy, this is sure getting interesting.

And my lovely mystery girl came back. Hallelujah!

_@CharNCharge No a compliment is you don't have an illness being a Guy Directioner :D_

Whoohoo! Now we're getting somewhere. Alright then.

_@TroyAustin1D you're not the first to say I'm gay, get off it_

_@CharNCharge defensiveness is a tell of gayness. It's in the handbook on your nightstand next to your moisturizing gloves XD_

Haha, Jesus, alrightly then. She's pulling out the big bullets now.

_@TroyAustin1D there's nothing wrong with being gay. 85% of people who have problem with it are gay themselves. Winky wink ;;)_

OK that come back did sound a little Tommy Hilfiger. I have gay friends, I know how they tick. They're almost as bad as women, almost.

_@CharNCharge you did NOT just call me a les, if anything your lover Loueh attends Liza tributes on a daily basis_

Huh? Ok now she's just pulling this out of her ass.

_@TroyAustin1D I can almost guarantee that is far from the truth love, Louis hates American music, most of it is just shit_

_@CharNCharge uuuh, how would you know? Stalker much?_

_@TroyAustin1D more like best mate much, I don't like to talk about it, he likes to be private_

_@CharNCharge uuuuh, Loueh and Eleanwhore were the most publicized couple I've ever seen in 1D and Lou isn't even the favorite_

Haha, another sting. Well, this isn't the first time I've heard I'm the least well-known/favorite of our band. I didn't care. I got paid the same. The amount of screams were evenly divided with the lads, I probably got less but I think it was because I didn't get enough solos. My argument purely. They were nice to me on _Midnight Memories_ though. Again, I hope those fairy song writers get disemboweled with a wooden spoon.

_@TroyAustin1D believe what you will, I'm his friend. I know things about him he'd never tell anyone, even his mum_

_@ChaNCharge do you got pictures of his cock?_

Whoa, forward march. This just went from a harmless New York greeting to this girl asking to whip out my cock. And on the spot!

_@TroyAustin1D of course i do lol…why do you ask? :)_

_@CharNCharge no reason, it's probably skinnier than Eleanwhore anyway, Harry's bigger I'm sure, placing bets on this_

Now I wanna show her. Shit. What do I do? I didn't realize how cold it was getting now but I was too wrapped into this to back out now. She just basically compared my manhood to my best mate. This is war!

_@TroyAustin1D want me to prove you wrong? ;)_

_@CharNCharge you wouldn't…..would ya?_

_@TroyAustin1D show me yours and you'll get his :D_

I highly doubt she'll abide so I threw my cell on the blanket and ran my fingers through my hair. It's getting a bit long. I liked it this way, the way it blows around in the breeze, concealing my eyes. Girls like that I guess.

Speaking of, why was I getting flashes from that weird memory? Did I know her? I sat up to look back at the spot the girl from before was standing. She was gone. I saw no traces of her anywhere. It was like she was ghost. I wish I got a good look at her to tell if I did. I met a lot of people over the years.

Weird, why did it bother me? I probably wasn't going to get anymore flashes. That girl was just a figment of my imagination.

My phone beep, I smirked looking at the screen.

_CharNCharge now follows you on Twitter!_

My DM message had a blue dot over it, indicating a notification. I clicked on it, waiting for the message to fully load.

**Charlotte: I only wish this was really Louis but you'll do. So…how do you know him? :)**

I chuckled; thinking of an answer…in this moment I could reveal who I really am and kill all the suspense, maybe make her dreams come true in the process. Why the fuck would I do that?

She and I could have a little adventure. I'd start clean, getting to know someone without all the crazy shit printed about me. Not a bad idea.

I'm Louis' "friend" this is the role of Troy now.


	8. Chapter 8

** **

**Charlie**

I sat on the edge of the empty docks of the Pier, my flimsy jacket keeping me decently warm. I was so out of it earlier. I even let some fucking tears slip out. I don't know why I felt so emotional in that moment. My thoughts were muddled. I couldn't make sense of it. For some reason Louis came to mind, I was thinking of him in that moment, wondering what he was doing, who he was talking to. Have I officially lost my shit? Yes I have.

Why was I suddenly curious about him…it's not like I'm going to stalk his ass, he's got plenty of that already in his life.

But instead I have Troy. He's alright. Maybe he's not completely gay for Louis after all. I liked his bite. It was similar to mine. He explained he was Louis' buddy so I guess he knows him. Maybe he's in the industry, actor or failed headshot or something and Louis is off doing something else. I don't know, maybe Louis is having the time of his life somewhere great. Being as rich as he is, he wouldn't be wasting time at a beach, staring at his phone waiting for a stranger to reply back to his tweets. Celebrities are busy people, actually doing things, unlike normal folks waiting for things to come to them.

That moron gets tweets every day, every fucking second, why would my replies matter? He's too famous, he just, he's so far gone. He's too sucked into his own fantasy of being Louis Tomlinson he cannot be saved. He even admits to reading fan fictions about himself. Maybe he peeks at the Larry ones too; I can't imagine any part of him being humble anymore.

I heard a rumor last year one of the boys had a sass account. I guess I need to check urban dictionary again to confirm this but I think it's one of those accounts where the guys can be anonymous under another username and say outrageous things. Whatever, sounds like a huge waste of time. I thought One Direction loved the attention on their verifieds. Why in the world would they care to watch the good, bad and ugly of Twitter land? I'm sure Louis might contemplate suicide if he saw what was really out there. I guess I was tame compared to the stuff people really say about him...

Do I think he's gay? Not sure on that one. I think he grew up with girls so I guess it rubbed off on him and I suppose the sass comes out of him easily. To be honest, I think Troy was right; I have to really know him to truly judge him. Who better than to infiltrate his best friend for the 411?

Maybe there's some way I can find out more about him through Troy. He said he knows him, why doesn't he prove it? Something tells me he's telling the truth. I think that's why I followed him. I know its evil to talk to someone just to get information from their famous friend but I'll never actually meet Louis, chances of that happening are incredibly slim. Doesn't mean I'm still not curious about him.

The flashes don't come back as much as they used to. Going to the auditions was a one time thing, I ripped up my number when my name wasn't called; never again. My dad, being from the UK, enormously rich, made sure I was there. He lives in an affluent neighborhood in Liverpool currently in some big flat with his new girlfriend after my parents separated. Actually I get the "are you alive?" call still, which in his way, means he cares. My dad isn't a bad guy per say, but at the same instance he isn't the most emotionally stable. We see eye to eye when we haven't talked in a long time otherwise there's no hope in building someone I can rely on family-wise. He has his life and I have mine. I can't change who he is and vise vera.

I snuggled my back against the back of the abandoned lifeguard post. I bundled my shoulders together, huddling the rest of my body heat. It was getting colder but I didn't care. A lot was on my mind tonight. Normally nothing is. I have tons of opinions just no one to relay them to. Now it feels like I do in Troy.

I wondered if he was still awake after we sent DMs to each other and parted ways. I didn't want to say goodbye but he said he had to go. I wanted to know more about Louis but I felt like I was more getting to know him as if he was on the other end instead. Was strange for a minute. I thought I was talking to the same person. Like I previously said, im-fucking-possible that's to happen.

I am not that lucky. In fact most of the things I tried for in life I never actually got. I don't consider just having a job and means of supporting myself a blessing. No one there cares if I off myself and the feeling is mutual. I really didn't give a shit about anyone anymore.

I never had anyone challenge me; Troy was the only one who sort of did. He kept talking to me It's odd, I've only had one conversation with him, but it made sense. I wanted to genuinely keep talking to this guy. I never had this kind of thing ever happen in real life. After about a minute and a half of talking to the average person, I gotta get the fuck out of there.

The seething hatred I feel for people doesn't make life any easy. I guess the realist in me would keep doing what I'm doing, don't change a thing. I never questioned getting along with others. If they don't make an effort with me than why should I? Would you?

I glanced over Troy's DMs and felt a small smile creep up, I tried hard to suppress it but I couldn't resist. Besides I'm alone, who's going to see me emote any positive feeling?

Just in case I looked around me. Shrugging I went back to the conversation and scrolled up to the top.

I read over everything, he was pretty open about Louis. Told me lots of things I never knew about him. He told me about a time where he and Louis were at this club and his friend Eddie got so drunk he had to carry him from a deep sleep out to a cab. I bet that must have funny for Louis. I reckon he's a lightweight if he drinks. Troy said he doesn't really drink but just gets buzzes. I like it when guys don't get pissed drunk. This Eddie guy I would not get along with. From the way Troy was describing him sounded to me like a guy who gets around. Kinda like Harry Styles, that walking VD.

He actually answered all the questions I had on Louis. It was weird how easy it was to get all this information. He didn't seem to mind. Maybe he was proud and wanted to brag about being buds with a famous person. The weird thing is, I'm still wondering why this guy, a friend of Louis' would ever want to talk to me in the first place. I'm not famous; I don't know anyone in the industry. My dad likes to brag he's met Tom Cruise on more than one occasion. Why me?

Our conversation was cut so short it felt like a game of 20 questions. I was doing most of the talking too; he didn't once decline anything I put to him. Very weird. I have my paranoia just like everyone else. How does he know so much about Louis anyway? Maybe Brits are a lot more open and honest than American guys. This I can believe. This is why I don't date. Not that I give off the impression that I'm single either, I doubt anyone from work wants to get with me. Everyone is so obsessed with family and health problems, small talk there is basically prohibited. You're almost forced to listen to everyone's boring life stories.

I got to the bottom of the page and smiled again. I hate this. I don't smile so easily. I don't program my body to fake a smile like everyone wants me to. It's pulling teeth to get me to behave at work. Being your authentic self feels the best. I try not to let anyone take that away. But in this moment, the smile was real. Am I supposed to understand this?

I felt blind suddenly, I looked up and a bright flashlight shined in my eyes.

"Hey, what are you doing here? We're closed." A gruff voice commanded behind the light.

My hand went to cover the brightness. I instantly got up, no questions asked or answered and bolted out of the docks, slipping my body through the cracks, landing on the soft, cool sand. I grabbed my shoes hauling out there in a flash. It looked funny I'm sure, me running on the sand and then I realized, nobody was chasing me, so I thought.

I heard a car, a truck that resembled a Tonka came following right behind me and I knew I had to hide. Was he really chasing me? Shit, now I'm in trouble. I thought for a second before moving my body anywhere. As long as he doesn't see me I'm golden.

I ran around aimlessly for ten minutes before I found a huge mermaid rock and pushed my body behind it. I'm not even sure I still had my shoes or phone on me. Shit, I wish Troy could help me now. Maybe distract him or call Louis so he can use his celebrity powers to save me. Don't those dipshits get away with everything nowadays?

"Ouch!" I yelped and grabbed my bare foot up. "Oh fuck…"

Something nipped me, more bit into my flesh. Holy fucks, I looked down I swear there was a sea creature attached to my foot. I felt its mother fucking teeth incise into my skin, piercing hard. This is serious.

Great just fucking great. How do you take these things off? My brain couldn't think straight. Is this part of the affect? God I hope not.

I propped up my body and sat against the rock, trying to pick up my foot. I saw crimson droplets of blood seeping into the sand, making it a light red color. Nothing scared me more than that. The pain was now numbing my foot. I couldn't lift my ankle so I bent down to look at it. It seemed really deep. I was too freaked out to do anything. I could feel my head getting a little light.

I need to get some help quickly before I really get in trouble. Shit, I hate asking for help. But I needed it now. I hopped, wobbled really with my sandals in one hand, steadying my body against the boulder. Jesus, why is moving suddenly so hard to do?

At this point I didn't care if I got in trouble by security, I really felt like I was going to collapse to the ground.

"Hey." Someone spoke ahead of me. I managed to look up, my vision slightly sugary. Damn it. I couldn't make out who it was. I felt the sand rumble and the figure was jogging up toward me.

I thought I heard Louis' voice for a second. Strange. Why am imagining him everywhere I turn? Ok focus now. Try to. Damn it. I knew the guy was coming close, I saw more blood drip off my foot. The affects were growing stronger now.

I only heard his voice. "Are you alright? Oh shit, are you hurt?"

With the last ounce of strength I had left I looked at the voice. I saw parts of his face, blue eyes a distinctively blue shade. Deep and young, I've seen them before. Maybe once before. My body didn't let me see the rest of him, just his eyes. His mouth was blurry but I managed to see it pressed into a thin line.

"I-I, I got it." I said, weakly. Fuck, shit no.

He laughed sharply. "No you don't, let me help you." I saw him look at me, his eyes widening. "OK, yeah, come on, you need my help."

I pushed his hand away. I didn't want to draw attention to myself. Plus this guy sounded an awful lot like Louis. I was officially losing my shit. He had to leave and so did I, if I could.

"Go away."

"I'm not. You're bleeding all over the sand. You need help. Let me…" He whispered, pausing.

I tried with all the juice I had to see his face that was going away too. I felt the creature release its sharp apex from my foot and I instantly fell over, but I didn't fall in the sand.

His arms, whoever this was, he caught me. "You're in shock, let's go get help."

I moaned, still able to speak. "Don't…need…your…help…"

Oh no, this was the end. My eyes shut, body limp in this stranger's arms.

"Relax love, I mean it…"


	9. Chapter 9

**Louis**

"What is her name, sir?" The nurse shook me out of my staring.

Standing behind the front desk at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center I tried to make sense of the current situation. It wasn't working because I honestly couldn't focus at all. I saw her eyes; I know them, why did she seem so familiar? Her hazel eyes triggered something inside. I looked back at the nurse who was writing down information and cleared my throat.

"Sorry, what was that then?"

"What is the patient's name?" She asked, bolder this time.

I shook my head, genuinely, looking at her still passed out on the hospital bed.

"I don't know."

Surely I knew. Why couldn't I remember? I meet a ton of people daily but I knew I couldn't forget eyes like that.

"Alright well, she is a Jane Doe. Does she have insurance at least?"

I tensed, pressing my lips together. "Just put it in my name."

I watched the nurse finish the rest of the paperwork. This girl, the one I can't seem to place but I could swear I know, was punctured deeply and lost a lot of blood in her foot. She actually had to have a minor blood transfusion to recover the loss. It was same thing that happened to me 3 years ago at the X-Factor house. They said if I waited it could have been infected and loads of things would have been done had we not gone to the hospital immediately. Like amputation. I still shudder at the severe brutality of it all. I knew nothing about that stuff, it was a scary time.

When the girl fell in my arms I called for help right away. I knew what it was and we didn't have much time. I didn't care if she might have been a stalker or anything. You don't leave someone who needs your help just because of what you are. I made sure to stay with her until a car come pick her up, wrap her foot and lift her inside the EMT van.

I didn't have to come along, paramedics told me to wait because they had everything handled, but I did. Should I have stayed back? That's not me. As much as people seem to think fame has changed me, that I have no heart, it couldn't be further from reality. If anyone was in my position, even the most popular celebrity, they would have done what I did.

I looked back at the girl. That's all she was right now. An anonymous girl without a name. I just went from having a great conversation to playing superman.

She laid peacefully on the folding bed of the room. It wasn't a main emergency room since the doctor did all the procedural healing on the spot. She wasn't in the ICU, it didn't go that far.

This entire thing was basically me 3 years ago. Before all this fame, before I was Louis Tomlinson of One Direction. A time where I was known as Louis, or Lou. People knew me, I was known in my high school as the George Clooney. I enjoyed it very much. It made me who I am. Sometimes I wish what would have happened if Hannah never persuaded me to audition for The X-Factor, what would I really do? Who would I be?

I shook from this when I heard groans and looked up as the girl rose from the bed, her stringy hair falling in her face. I looked at her gauze to make sure nothing had ripped, suddenly feeling nervous. What? I don't get nervous; I'm not performing for the first time. Strange how in that moment I couldn't distinguish the difference.

"What the fu-" Her eyes came on me, bulging out. "You?!" She pointed but her eyes squinted in pain. "You…what are you doing here?"

I cleared my throat, if possible getting more nervous. "I'm uh, glad you're OK."

She moved herself off the bed slab sloppily and looked around the room. "What the fuck? Why am I here?"

"Because I brought you here." I said, simply.

"What? Yeah right, this is a fucking dream." She moved to stand but fell over, I went toward her to help but she pushed my hands away.

OK, this one is feisty. Have to go at this another way. "You should really let someone help you."

She groaned, grabbing her forehead. "I can help myself."

I had to laugh at her disposition. "Yeah, you're doing a great job of it all by yourself love."

She rolled her eyes, hoping on one foot. I offered again but she harshly whispered for me to back off.

"Look, I really don't need your help. I can stand on my own. I'm not fucking disabled."

"You're having a hard time. Why don't you slow down and—"

She faced me, her honey-hazel eyes turned dark. "Go away. Since when do you ever do nice things for anyone beside yourself?"

Huh? OK, she knew who I was; her cognitive memory is all there intact. Why did she go there? This girl has some personal issue with me.

I chuckled, sighing deeply biting my bottom lip, slowly putting it together. "OK not a fan, I get it."

"You got that shit right." She replied rapidly. She seemed eager to boast that.

Maybe I should leave. This might be a pay it forward thing that I don't quite understand now but maybe she'll do the same for someone else. I should just leave, yeah.

Things were quiet for a few moments and I didn't move. I felt obligated. I did all the things I'm supposed to do, why am I still here?

"Uh, why are you still here?" She asked in an irritated tone.

I stuttered, looking at the ground. Good question. "Well, do you need a ride?"

She smirked, flashing some teeth as she narrowed her eyes in my direction. "It's OK, I know where I live."

I checked the time, it was nearly 4am. Basically dawn, Harry told me cabs in LA don't run like they do in New York or London.

"Alright, well just offering. You fell pretty hard back there."

She sucked in her bottom lip, she looked weary suddenly. "You really brought me here? Why?"

"Because you needed my help. Anybody else would have done the same. You would too."

"Oh yeah sure." She rolled her eyes, looking down then back up at me. "Aren't you surrounded by bodyguards 24/7?"

I threw my head back to laugh. "Not the way it works babe. They aren't with me all the time. Only when I need them."

"Oh…" She trailed off. "What makes you think I'm not a crazy stalker?"

"Because you just told me you weren't a fan."

"Oh, shit…" She blushing, turning pink and looked at the floor. "I could be lying…"

Please don't let that be true. "Well you knew who I was and you didn't scream or ask me for an autograph right away."

"Maybe the pain had something to do with it." She emphasized pain as a bold point.

I laughed, not responding. There was an awkward beat between us, I felt her eyes on me, something about the way she looked at me held some kind of realness.

She pursed her lips, fidgeting as she bit her lip. "I don't get that way with people."

People? Wow, not celebrity or hot shot? I didn't think anyone out there referred to me as part of the people in years. I really have sunk so far into myself. This conversation was getting too real.

"Right well, I should leave you be as you wish. Blue cabs are still running." I added and turned around to leave.

"Wait."

I stopped, not sure where this was going but I waited. I turned around and saw her looking at her injured foot wrapped in the strong gauze. She looked back at me and swallowed slowly.

"Been a while since anyone has…" She looked down again then at me, holding my attention. "Cared. I didn't think you would stay, you didn't have to."

I didn't notice she was inching closer to me. My lips parted and I cleared my throat. Here come the X-Factor nerves. "It's the right thing to do is all."

"I know, still, I'm sure someone would have, I don't know, maybe someone else would have been there and called. Or I don't know…maybe not, people aren't—"

"You don't trust easily do you?"

She shrugged and hopped to sit on the bed. "It's not just people. I don't have faith in a lot of things."

This is more than what I signed up for. I just wanted to help her out. I didn't expect to psychoanalyze life with a stranger.

"I see. Well, I'm glad I helped. Had the same thing happen to me years ago."

"I know." She said quietly.

"What?" Had I heard her right?

She squirmed around. "I mean, you're right I guess it could have been worse. Sucks you had it happen. The sight of blood is scary."

"It is." I took a seat next to her in the visitor's chair. I can't believe I was taking this further. Famous Louis, well the restricted me, would have left hours ago, before she woke up.

Oddly, I didn't feel bothered as I normally would. As I sat next to her, the tension in my body melted almost right away.

Things were quiet again for a million seconds. I snuck looks at her and she caught me but didn't say anything about it.

Her sudden deep breath broke the staring.

"It's morning…" She looked at the open window at the hours of dawn starting to dissipate. She walked, more hobbled up to look closer.

"Yeah, almost." I said, folding my hands together. "Are you going to be alright by yourself?"

She continued to stare outside not saying anything for a few moments. "In the end we're always by ourselves."

I stood up at that coming near her. "What do you mean?"

What the hell is going on? Why is this girl such a downer? I get that she's in some pain but they told me she was going to be fine. They signed a prescription for her to take in case the pain comes back. What's with the negativity?

She shook her head, turning around and leaned against the wall. "Means nothing." She stared at me. "Yes, I'll be fine."

She said everything so straight. No hint of emotion streaming through any of the words. "I can still take you back. It's not a problem really."

"I think you've done a lot already. I don't even know how I'm going to pay for this. My insurance isn't going to cover something like this."

I don't know what made me do it but I took her hand gently in mine. Shit, she's going to slap me, or worse, pull away and call security.

She did none of these things. She looked blankly at our hands interlock. A shocked expression swept over her eyes. I know those eyes from somewhere. Why can't I piece together what's in front of me? She looked like a scared wild animal. Her face had this rough, been through a lot snapshot. I wondered what made her look so tough. But now, the lines at the corners of her eyes unwound, the creases around her lips becoming soft and young.

"You did it didn't you?" It was more of a statement than a question. "You…really didn't need to."

"You keep saying this. Yeah, I did. It's what people do. I'm not soulless."

"I ne-you-" She stuttered.

We pulled apart when the door opened. I still had her prescription note in my pocket but waited when the doctor walked in.

It was easily my incident 3 years ago. I can't help but feel like I'm reliving it all over again. Maybe this is why I felt so nervous. It wasn't the girl, she was reminding me of those days. I still think this girl is terrified of me or she actually hates me. I can't decide which one is true. I backed away in the corner of the room and listened to the doctor and nurse giving her papers to fill out. I had to put everything on my name since I knew nothing about her in terms of where she lived or even an identity.

Yeah, it's true, I never got her name.

The nurse looked at me. "You should take her home; she can't walk too much right now."

The girl looked at me; her long sandy-colored hair was swept out of her eyes as she heard what the nurse said.

"Not necessary. I'm calling a cab."

The nurse was about to leave when she looked at both of us. "It's best you get rest dear." She looked back at me, her eyes welcoming and kind. "Please see that she is brought home safely."

I nodded. Now that I had the nurse's permission I tried to be more confident about giving her a ride now. We were left alone when the nurse had gone.

"Harry told me cabs are sparse around this time." I mentioned quietly.

She was looking anywhere but me. "Nice to know."

I threw my hands up, frustrated. I was surprised I had any energy left.

"Look, I don't really do this often with everybody. In fact it's hard for me to go anywhere and do anything normal ever again. But I care about people just like any normal person would. It would be nice if you accepted my offer to take you back. I'm not asking you for anything more. You'll never see me again. We'll never talk to each other. We'll forget about this entire thing. Please just accept this offer and I will leave you alone like you want."

I commanded the last words. Halfway through the speech she turned to look at me, directly in my eyes. The shocked expression was still on her face by the time I finished.

"I made you mad. Wow, guess fame hasn't made you a robot after all."

I almost cracked a smile. Sarcasm? Really? Not when I'm trying to be serious. "Come on. If you want to pay me back then let me take you home."

She yawned and slid off the bed, adjusting herself to stand. I took this as my cue and handed her shoes over and she put them on carefully.

"OK, I'm slightly desperate and I don't wanna sleep here. Hate hospitals." She moved with me and I did a silent finally before rolling my eyes. She stopped and touched my shoulder, immediately feeling it. "How good are you with your word?"

"Extremely. I never break my promises." I said, my voice serious my face stolid.

She nodded, I feel like I convinced her. "Fair enough." We walked out of the room soundlessly.

She filled out the checkout information at the front while I told the nurse I was taking her back. She gave me a weird smile. I shook it off and walked with this weird girl who put me in the hospital at 4am. I still didn't understand why I was so persistent in taking this girl home. She could have easily bummed a ride off a friend or a car service.

We took the elevator down in silence. I could hear her breathing and tried to shut it off. There was nothing left to say. I was going to take her home. That was it. I'm shutting off everything else that didn't belong there.

I lead her to the car, unlocking the door. She insisted on helping herself in the front seat. I rolled my eyes, it was nearly over. Was beginning to think this girl truly hates me for some unlawful reason. Maybe she's jealous. The way she talked about not freaking out around famous people, could be a cover for seeing green. I watched her look out the window on her side as I turned on the engine, pulling out of the hospital parking garage.

The only words she spoke were directions to her place, no "thank you" no "I'm grateful to be living, I appreciate this." Don't people praise me enough? But this time it mattered. I actually did something for somebody else and gained nothing from it. She didn't show any gratitude. Is this what the real world feels like?

The freeway silence was trying enough so I tuned the radio to classical morning music.

"Louis…" She whispered finally. I thought I was imagining this.

I glanced at her when I got off the freeway ramp. When she didn't continue I urged her. "What?"

"This has been a weird day for me. Sorry if I'm a bitch to you. I'm just...I don't know what to say. Not a lot of people really ever help me."

I swallowed, there was more, I know there was, that's why I didn't interrupt her.

"I don't have a lot of luck in my life." I turned onto a residential road, hers more specifically from the directions she gave me and looked at her. Her hands were covering her face.

I pulled the car over a few flat buildings from hers. I was tired beyond my mind but I felt like I needed to stop the car. I put the car in park, still not saying anything.

She moved to unlock the door with the lever. "You don't understand."

"I do." My hand came on her shoulder. "Maybe I do. Sometimes I wish I was normal. I wonder what my life would be if I never had any of this. I have too much luck. It's overrated."

She didn't turn around. "Says the celebrity so many people envy."

"It's a lonely life…look I don't even know your name. Why am I confessing all this?"

I was genuinely confused. She stopped trying to escape, her eyes found mine but I didn't look at her. "Because you need help."

"Help? How the fuck do I need help?" I said, anger evident in my tone.

"Maybe no one really talks to you unless they want something. Maybe that's what you're used to."

I pressed my lips together in a line, squeezing the wheel so hard my knuckles turned white.

"It's true isn't it? Wow that is sad." She continued. I couldn't deny it nor defend myself.

I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. Why was I sweating? Maybe this was a shit idea. Having this girl here, around me, she's probably some psycho fan who thought I brushed her off at one of our gigs and now she has it in for me.

She needs to get over herself.

"No, nothing is true, person with no name."

She turned her body, twisting it around so she faced me completely.

"No one listens to you anymore. You want someone to but they don't, do they?"

I unlocked the car doors, clearing my throat as cotton balls appeared inside my mouth. My vocals were shot. I didn't like what she was doing, not one bit.

What she was saying, this wasn't true. I found someone who did. Charlotte cared. This girl can't even understand someone might actually care about a lonely, worn-out pop star.

"I do have someone. I unlocked the door, you can go home now. A deal's a deal."

"Wanna know why I haven't told you my name Louis?"

Do I have a choice? I shook my head, a slight gesture as she leaned forward.

"Because it belongs to me. It's the only thing this world can't take away from me. I only trust myself. I don't believe in sharing something so sacred with people who don't appreciate what knowing my name means. You think it's just a name. It's really not, it's everything. Without my name, there is nothing left."

I gulped harshly staring forward. The dryness in my throat getting worse the longer she stayed around me. This is how it feels to be hated. To be truly embarrassed.

She looked at me once again before laughing slightly, looking down. "You have nothing to say to that?"

Was she challenging me? A stranger who doesn't know me from Adam and never had a conversation with the real Louis? Is this really happening? My entire body was shaking and I could feel my blood bubbling up the surface.

She sighed, her big hazel eyes focusing on me. "I understand. Who am I right? You don't even know my name." She paused. "But then again I don't really know yours. I've forgotten too."

I lifted my head at that. She was getting ready to leave again when I caught her. "What? Forgotten what?"

She looked down, her lips trembling as her eyes trailed up slowly to meet mine. "How hard it is for the rest of us unlucky people."

She removed my hand harshly. Just as I was about to ask her a follow up question she took a deep breath. "I wish I could see life through your eyes but unfortunately I can't. Thank you for helping me tonight. I'm sorry I couldn't help you."

"Wait, what are you talking about?"

She looked at me, smiling sadly while a tear slid down her cheek. "Goodnight Louis. Thanks for the ride. A deal's a deal."

She took herself out of the car and all I could do was watch her leave. She walked slowly to her building without turning around. The space between us getting wider the further she walked. She didn't once look back.

I thought this entire time I was doing the right thing. I was so spaced out with confusion I didn't check to see if she made it home alright. She was gone. Almost like she was a ghost.

Am I dreaming? When do I wake up from all this? Holy shit, I rubbed my eyes unable to focus.

My phone beeped, I don't know why but I looked at it. Some shred of normalcy will be the best thing now. Anything.

I smiled, seeing a new DM from Charlotte. I had someone, I wasn't alone. This girl was wrong. People still cared.

**Charlotte: The best part about this day was you. Please don't forget that :)**

I'm not, don't worry about me love.


	10. Chapter 10

 

**Charlie**

I met Louis Tomlinson, again.

Of course he doesn't know that and obviously doesn't remember me. Then again who would? I was a nobody then I'm still a nobody now.

OK that's a bit harsh. I was a nobody then but I don't care to think about being one anymore. The X-Factor audition experience was the last straw in me being subject to ridicule ever again. I tried not to look back on it with utter disdain. Then again, I didn't just audition, there was more. Crashing into a random guy that would go onto be in the world's biggest boy band of the moment was not something I'm proud to admit.

Of course he wouldn't remember me. I for sure remembered him the second I opened my eyes. When I first saw him I did a double take. I couldn't speak. I didn't speak much to anyone. My dad said I had social anxiety and I needed to get out of my shell, going to the auditions was not something I look back on and smile. Thank god the flashes from that day stopped and were replaced with the apathy I grew into.

Not caring about a lot things gets you through anything in life. I guess I'm this person. I wouldn't say the audition turned me into a bitter, sore loser. Sometimes it didn't, other times, since I don't really talk to people much; I never worried about pleasing people.

Seeing Louis again, this I wasn't prepared for. While I was dismissed by the producers, (which is basically who controls the show, not the judges) I saw him get called back with four other guys at boot camp. My heart dropped.

Zayn Malik, who cried like a baby when they made him dance, then when they brought him out again they basically bribed him to come out there. I think I saw his mother involved in that. Of course the audience doesn't see this because it's a family show and Simon Cowell had to come out acting like superman for ratings.

Niall Horan, who can't sing for shit without going flat, cries like a soap opera actress and look at those perfect highlights and that cute face! Awe. Gag me.

Liam Payne, that walking, oddly misshapen people pleaser who had some "child actor" experience he was hiding in his resume since he already tried out for the show last season. I think Natalie Imbruglia was in love with him in that weird cougar way.

Harry Styles…tone deaf, marbles in his mouth, for sure functionally retarded and can't belt out a single harmony without thrusting any part of his anatomy to cover it up. His mom was always around him I recall. She had wanted this lot more than him. Stage mother. Figures.

Then comes Louis Tomlinson… I remember seeing this train wreck of an audition first hand back stage. His hands were shaking and his body was doing this weird contorting thing right before he ran on stage with his skinny tie, his grandfather's button up faux 60s shirt/cardigan and that fucked up bowl Justin Bieber haircut he thought was so hip and trendy.

Fuck all this. Of course none of these people would ever think about the losers.

It's weird, I thought I completely blocked out that day three years ago but it's coming back in puzzle pieces like it was only recent.

Why was he so…nice to me? I don't get this guy. I really couldn't understand why he stayed that entire night and dropped me off so early. I honestly thought he didn't care about anyone.

Least not worry about pests like him. His word is good, OK, let's see some proof.

It's been three days since my bloody foot mishap and I've been stuck at home trying recover from this annoying painful foot thing. All I've been doing is watching bad, oversexed 80s movies, staring at my guitar and stuffing my face with pints of ice cream. It feels like heaven but I still can't over what happened with that loser. Our paths were never meant to cross. I made it my mission to stay as far away from music as I humanly could.

With Louis' almost four year ride in fame still riding strong I avoided places where all the ritzy celebrities hung out. Harry Styles enjoys coming here a lot mainly to fuck a lot of the whores roaming Hollyweird and Vine, so bumping into him was unfortunate. Louis was different story. I didn't think for a second he'd see someone and stop to help them out of the blue.

Maybe Troy knows what's up. He'll make sense of this. I haven't spoken to him since my last DM I sent immediately after the "comfortable" ride with Louis came to an end.

Talking to Troy leveled me. It's odd, how is he friends with someone as pompous as Louis? I don't even think Louis has real friends. He's your typical pop star who thinks he ca get anything or anyone he wants. Troy was different. He was, actually real. He seemed so eager to tell me his thoughts about getting to know all kinds of musicians. He's seen it all being friends with a famous name. Some part of me envied him. I wondered what he looked like. He said he plays electric and acoustic guitar and writes songs. I imagine emo, but not gay emo not Fouie.

I picked up my phone when I grabbed the last tub of Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream pint, setting it on the coffee table. I had my bandaged foot propped on a throw pillow as I scrolled around my phone.

I shot Troy a message. I missed chatting with him. It was only the one time but I wanted to have more.

The DM was short and to the point.

**Charlotte: Hey, you up? Miss you around the cooler brah :)**

How fourth grade of me I know. I guess I didn't know what to say. My second meeting with his best friend didn't go so great and I was afraid to talk to him again. But I wanted to.

**Troy: I'm here. How are you? XD**

I blushed, smirking. At least someone answers me.

**Charlotte: I'm good. How was your day? Do anything fun?**

**Troy: Nothing too exciting. Been laying low for a few days. Thanks for your last message, cheered me up :)**

Laying low? Odd. I guess when you're friends with someone like Louis you have to pace yourself.

**Charlotte: I see, well I've been the same I guess. Off from work. Not doing a whole not. What are your plans?**

I placed the phone down, trying not to look at it. I was a little obsessed with these alerts. I really wanted to know what he was doing right now.

I stuffed some cool, sweet strawberry ice cream in my mouth, waiting. I shoveled another heaping spoonful and ate it like an old timer in a retirement home. Maybe he was busy. I shouldn't always expect people to talk to me. I never did. That was how I always learned to put up with people. Don't expect a whole lot and save yourself a world of pain in the end. With Troy, I wanted him to answer. It was an urge building up every time he replied. I wanted us to keep talking, all night if possible.

Phone alert. I almost choked on the spoon. I grabbed the phone, opening the screen to Twitter.

**Troy: Well, tonight I didn't make any plans but there is something I have to do. How late are you planning to be up?**

**Charlotte: I'm free. Just shoot me a DM when you get done. Probably be up all night… ;)**

**Troy: Good to know love. Send you a notice soon! :)**

I stood up; it was getting easier to stand now that I slept almost ten hours last night, actually well into the morning bordering the afternoon. I managed to heal myself pretty well considering what I've been through a few days ago.

I'll never understand why Louis was there or why he did it. I just want him to stay away, leave me be and stop pretending to be a faux good Samaritan.

I was taking all my dishes and cups to the sink when I heard a knock on the door. I checked the time. It was just after 9pm. I didn't know who'd be knocking on my door at this time and I was slightly apprehensive to find out.

I wiped my hands on the towel, walking toward the door. I looked through the eye hole first but couldn't see anything. The lamp above must be out or something.

"Who's there?"

No answer.

I cleared my throat uneasily.

I licked my lips before opening the door, with the chain on, just a crack…

No fucking way…


	11. Chapter 11

** **

**Louis**

"Oh this is a fucking nightmare." She shut the door briskly before I could get a word in.

I actually came with a purpose. I had something for her. She needs to open up.

"Look heh, this is an exception. I promise. Never again. Just open the door this time."

I wasn't going to back down but I had to keep my voice low. It's dark and this flat complex looked like a place my Granddad could stay in.

Nothing. She was really being difficult and trying my patience.

"Open the door."

"Go away Lewis." Her muffled voice said behind the door. She totally mucked my name on purpose.

"Uh, it's LOU-EH and I just came here to give you something. Quit being such a pain and take it."

"Not a chance in hell. Now go away like a good doggie."

I'd laugh if I wasn't annoyed. I really didn't want to do this but it was just calling for me to. It's all in my name anyway since I still don't have hers.

"Open the door." I said calmly.

I heard commotion in her apartment, sounded like the radio being switched on.

"I'm busy." She pushed the blinds to the side, looking at me.

I couldn't make out the expression; all I saw was a small slit in the dim light of her face.

She moved the curtains more continuing to look at me. I couldn't read her face well, it seemed like she was thinking about something. I didn't have time for this. I should be doing something I want to do, for me. Not doing favors for some girl who holds an inane grudge.

"Please " I begged, wondering why I did. She moved away.

I leaned my arms on either side of the door. I knew she was going to be difficult. But I wasn't raised to drop things off when I do something nice for somebody else and then leave. I'm not going to back down.

I heard fumbling on the other side of the door. A chain slid and I backed away like I was burned. The door flung open.

"What?" Her arm firmly gripping door as if she was ready to shut it again at any moment.

She stared at me with fire in her eyes, gritting her teeth, jaw tense. Why does she hate me?

I prayed she wasn't going to shut the door again and pulled out what I carried. A white bag and handed it to her.

She looked at it like it was a bomb. "You forgot this."

She snatched it from my hands immediately looking in the bag. "Wha-Why did you do this?"

I swallowed. OK, start slow Louis; try not make it too personal. "Because the doctor said you need it in case, umm, you feel pain."

She looked in the bag again shaking her head. I braced myself. That didn't look like an appreciative face.

She was actually struggling to say something, was this a good thing? I didn't know. Her opening the door was making this more awkward than I thought.

"Are you OK?"

She shook her head slowly, her eyes looking up. She looked beyond surprised. I never seen anyone so stunted with words before.

"How you didn't need to do this. I was so rude to you last time. I honestly didn't think I'd see you again." She whispered.

We jumped at the noise; it was an old couple, downstairs struggling with their bags. Guess I was right about this place. Senior center. It was a nice and quiet, slightly posh complex, though, not too dark. The dim lighting could do with some fixing. I kind of want to bolt out of here; it reminded me of apartment buildings people only pass by when they're lost.

I brought my attention back to her. "This is an exception, like I said. Part of the deal."

She raised her eyebrow, folding her arms across her chest. "Oh really? I don't remember you coming back being part of the deal. Quite the opposite actually."

I bit the inside of my cheek, my work here is done. "Whatever. Have a good life."

"Well that's a nice thing to say coming from a sulking pop star. Don't worry I'm not going to TMZ with any of this." She snorted.

Wow she had a lot of nerve. Like I wasn't important enough to talk about in the media? Actually the media did care more about Harry than any of the lads. Still, not nice of her to count me out, we all work the same. Harry's not better looking than me. Hell no.

"I don't intend to worry about anything. Usually people get to know me before they decide to actually hate me. Just some advice."

She narrowed her eyes at me, holding a weird, contorted reaction. This girl is so off.

"What makes you think I hate you?" She ask, her arms loosening.

"Well you don't not hate me."

"Cuz that makes sense." She replied sarcastically.

I sighed. My work here is actually done. I'm out. "Are we done? OK, let me rephrase that, we're done. Goodnight."

I turned around eager to get the fuck away, as far away as possible from this place. It was actually making me feel lonelier than I already am.

"Louis stop. You're being ridiculous. I don't hate you." She said quickly.

I stopped at the stairs but didn't turn around. Why did she have to go and say that? It's easier to say you despise someone than to actually give them a chance. Why should I? I had Charlotte. She mattered more. I was sacrificing my night to get to know her the longer I spend with this head case. All I wanted to do was deliver her prescription, be away and then talk to the person I planned to. She was nowhere near the person I wanted to be around now.

I had to. I couldn't do this. Shit don't crumble. Green light means go.

Why am I pulled into this once again? I know I have better things to do. I made my body move.

"I said stop." She said curtly.

No don't say that. Let me get away.

I heard rustling behind me, steps inching toward me but I couldn't move now.

"No, um, I've got to go. Yeah, sorry I came by." I really meant that. This girl was getting in my head and I didn't know what the fuck was going to happen to me if I stayed longer.

I ran downstairs in a huff making a finite line towards my car. I swung open the door and barricaded whatever's left of me inside.

This is fucked up now. And it's probably about to get even worse. Silver lining: as long as I tried not think of it anymore then it won't be an issue. Which it wasn't. What the fuck am I talking about?

Why is she making me think so much about my life? She barely said anything to me this time. She wasn't even rude. I ran away because I was scared.

She treated me like an equal. I wasn't fawned over but at the same time I didn't feel accepted either. Did I want it from her? Didn't matter really. She's an anonymous girl.

Charlotte. She gets me. I took out my phone but jumped in place.

Thunder cracked through the sky. I knew what this meant and shut the door. I brought my arms around the wheel and covered my face inside the circle.

I started to send a message to Charlotte but deleted it. I can't burden her with my issues. But I thought I didn't have any? What the fuck? OK, this is simple now; do I stay here moping or do I go?

Then again there is always the third choice.


	12. Chapter 12

** **

**Charlie**

Eh?

I don't really understand what just happened.

Let's try to break this night down: was about to have a meaningful conversation with Troy then Louis shows up out of nowhere to give me pain pills, then he fucking runs out?

Well didn't I want him to leave? I shouldn't have said stop, now he thinks I'm obsessed with his ass. I'm not a fucking fan! I don't care about his crappy music or his pretentious punk attitude he loves portraying. I don't care for posers.

The guy I saw at the auditions was a scared shitless little boy. Not this fake version of Louis he flaunts in front of the media.

Why am I caring so much about this whole thing? It's got nothing to do with me. His issues and insecurities are not my problem. I got enough shit going on in my life to worry about then an egotistical pop star who thinks he's having a stroke of conscious. Get over it.

I threw the bag on the couch and stomped over to the fridge, pulling out the rest of my beer. It's gonna be a long ass night, need to honker down and pray for daylight.

My phone beeped. I hoped it was who I wanted it to be. I hesitated before making a move. I went to grab it as I took a swig of my chilled Corona.

**Troy: Sorry that took so long how are you?**

Honestly? I don't know where to start. Crap on this, just bury it. He's normal Louis just isn't.

**Charlotte: I'm alive. How's your night? Everything go OK?**

I fixed my foot back onto the pillow putting my compress lightly on top. I winced when the pain shot up. No I wasn't going to reach for the pills. Doctor told me not to put ice on it and just let it heal naturally. Who cares? I felt bruises on the inside of the wrapped up bandage, I was kind of desperate to get my foot back. Going back to work, feel semi-productive. Never have more shocking thoughts ever came about.

My phone alerted again.

**Troy: I don't wanna talk about it. It's done already. So what are you doing?**

He makes it seem like it hurt him to talk about it. Oh well, it's dropped. I sure as shit didn't wanna rehash my night. Now it just got better.

**Charlotte: Hmm, taking it easy. TV, boring stuff. How's your boy Louis? Where is he?**

I actually wanted to know where he ran off to. Alright I probably shouldn't have brought him up since I just saw him but hell; he doesn't have to know that.

**Troy: You got a crush on my boy don't you? Don't lie, you're a fan. Just admit it**

**Charlotte: I will deny that until my demise. I really can't stand the guy. Besides I asked all I wanted to**

It's true. I have no desire to stalk the guy or give him my attention for a second. But why did I act that way around him? I acted so different when he was around. Almost like I actually car-

Whatever, I took a big gulp, swallowing the last of this night away. Just talk to Troy, ignore Louis. It's not one and the same.

**Troy: Alright, dropping it. Let's not talk about him tonight. So what do you want to talk about then?**

What do I wanna talk about? Well, I just want to relax right now. I don't think I can handle anymore surprises.

**Charlotte: I don't know make me laugh I guess**

**Troy: Honestly, I'll try but I'm pretty dry tonight. I should have just talked to you :)**

**Charlotte: I'm flattered. I wish you had. So who are you staying with?**

**Troy: Me, myself and I. It's ok. Gets boring but it's a big change from England**

**Charlotte: I forgot you were English. You really don't seem like a stiff asshole**

**Troy: There's a compliment in there somewhere. I'll take it xx**

I looked away and saw my ice cream on the table melting away. It's probably soup by now. I stood up to put it away in the freezer then sat back down tending to my leg.

My phone had 2 DM messages. Wow. Guess he missed me in the 2.5 seconds I was away.

**Troy: I'm just happy we're still talking, you know, if you don't wanna talk tonight I get it**

I sighed, he was sincing my uneasiness too, how did he know?

**Charlotte: Sorry I'm not myself tonight. Usually I give you more trouble. I'll try harder**

**Troy: Please do, it's a turn on XD**

**Charlotte: Is it? I was never into that cyber thing so I'm not gonna go there. No comment**

**Troy: It means I like it when you're being sarcastic. A lot of people in my life I don't know, I feel like LA sinks you faster than you can swim**

**Charlotte: *blushing* Sorry I just smiled, don't tell anyone ;) You actually cracked my heart, double don't tell anyone ;)**

**Troy: *hugs* I can linger if you like .**

I drank the rest of my bottle walking up to toss it in the bin. My dingy old acoustic was staring at me again. Maybe it was me that can't look away. It's a life I tried for. X-Factor wasn't the first rejection I faced. I shared an amp with this Jamaican girl on Third Street Promenade who auditioned for The Voice and got pretty far, top 6 actually. I think the show let her go because she was unique and didn't try to sound like Mariah Carey, Whitney or Adele and dress like a 2 cent hooker to gain votes. Nice girl, she told me about playing renditions of covers on the show. Her roots were Jamaican Soul and I'd stay sometimes after my set to watch her do her thing. I guess the world isn't ready for unique.

Stuff like that always bothered me. A lot of good music sometimes doesn't want to be heard. I watched One Direction get bigger and bigger and wondered why I was even trying to get a break. That's the thing; I don't try, not anymore. I refuse to cater cowardly to the likes of Simon Cowell and Louis Walsh on who's talented in this world. What those idiots pick are cheese machines that will fade away just as fast as they reigned in.

Is music officially finished? My time in it is. I should just burn every song I've ever written and throw my acoustic in there too. Trying for this life brought me nothing but trouble. I feel like it's pointless to beat a dead horse when sheep are just going to be replicated. Louis Tomlinson is proof of that. He and his band are just a "Where are they now?" waiting to happen. It's only a matter of time before the world sees it. Teenage girls had it so made with past boy bands.

Or maybe they won't. Louis has serious psychological issues that I can't get involved in. Meeting him was the worst thing to happen to me in a long time, worst than the X-Factor failure? It's near that level.

Can't believe all these thoughts came from gawking at my guitar. This is where dreams ended for me. The last time I dreamed big. The final times I still had hope in my heart for my own happiness. Just like that; shattered. My mom immediately got me a job, told me to move out, basically grow the fuck up and that was that. That is not fun. This is the life I was given. If things are meant to be then they are.

I was meant to sing and write songs. The stacks of songs I accumulated over the years might as well be incinerated in a bonfire because I won't need them for anything. All the melodies I wrote while I was a street performer.

Back then I was known by a different girl. My birthright. I auditioned as this girl and that was buried away along with my passions years ago. I think I made minor history at Third Street for being the youngest singer/songwriter for daytime performers. That was the time I still believed in achieving my dreams. It just got too hard. My ultimate responsibilities were catching up to me. My parents were barely encouraging. My mom was never abusive but I still consider her jabs at cracking my confidence worse than a kick in the stomach. I'd rather I was beaten. Those fade fast. My own self worth, I told myself I'm not supposed to believe the cruelty. I had to manufacture my own sense of myself. My dad was always away, at work or fucking the youngest piece of grade school trash that swarmed near him.

The X-Factor audition wasn't his gift to me, it was a curse. I think success has a restraining order against me. I should just laugh at that because it sounds funny, even written on paper.

We're all alone. No matter what we do, we leave life alone. Why try when no one believes in you? I pushed myself all those years, pushed through the comments, my counselors in school saying I should choose the only three careers, which happen to be the most competitive options in the world: a doctor, lawyer and a journalist. Those are still the only three choices that are supposed to make us happy in life. To me they are death wishes. All I really wanted to do was write and perform my music. That's it.

I grabbed my guitar, stuffing it in a place where it won't keep staring back at me like a killer clown. Tears were about to drop down my cheeks but I willed them back. Crying won't change anything, this is me. I can't be happy.

My cell beeped. I almost forgot and rushed to check it.

**Troy: OK, sorry I take it back #inappropriate**

I shook my head vehemently.

**Charlotte: Don't, please don't**

I started to write, wiping my eyes. Was I really alone? I thought about what to write before saying anything. I can't believe he actually waited for me to reply.

**Charlotte: don't take anything back if you mean it**

**Troy: I do. I do so badly**

I smiled for the first time that night. I really smiled, through the emotions. Only he could make me smile.

**Charlotte: I just feel crazy alone right now. You have no idea how happy you make me feel**

**Troy: You're the only person who deserves to be happy**

**Charlotte: Come on Troy. You matter too. We all do**

**Troy: I've gotten so used to looking after others, nobody worries about me**

I had to know something, so I just went with it.

**Charlotte: Why are you friends with Louis?**

He didn't respond back to me right away like the rapid fire DM session we got going on.

**Troy: He and I are more alike than you think**

**Charlotte: But he's so just so odd. He's rather strange. You're so different. I refuse to believe you're the same**

**Troy: Babe, we're practically twins XD**

I laughed out loud at that; maybe that's probably what Louis confessed on one of those drunken interludes.

**Charlotte: So you say :P**

**Troy: It's true! We like the same things, we feel the same things at the same time, we talk to each other when we need to, its mad lol**

**Charlotte: You're a lot wittier than he is. Don't tell him I said that ;)**

**Troy: Good to know :D**

**Charlotte: You couldn't possibly be the same. Louis takes himself too seriously, like yeah he really does**

**Troy: That right? What else don't you like about him? I thought I heard it all**

Why is it so hard to get to know him, even some of his fans think he's a hermit. He's just peculiar. What did I really want to know in this moment about Louis Tomlinson?

Let's go with the obvious

**Charlotte: Did he really love Eleanor?**

A lot of people debate this. I say no. Not because of Harry Styles but it looks contrived. Every picture of them looked so calculated. Granted I haven't seen the collection of pap pictures but of the ones I have seen, they didn't look happy together at all.

**Troy: I did  
**

What?!

**Charlotte: You loved her too? WTF? I asked if LOUIS really love her not his FRIEND**

I'm starting to breath really fast now. Are people just obsessed with that deformed skeleton no matter what? What am I missing about this girl? What makes her so fucking special I wonder? I've seen prettier girls.

**Troy: I mean HE did. He told me. It was real. Sorry, I'm outside having a drink**

I exhaled strangely. That was close. I was so worried another guy would fawn over Kate Moss and Pete Doherty's aborted lovechild.

**Charlotte: You scared me**

**Troy: Why's that?**

**Charlotte: She seems like the girl that guy's think they're in love with but it's a manipulation**

**Troy: Jealous of my mate's bird are we now love?**

I rolled my eyes. I wanted to stop bring up Louis but I can't help it. Troy pulled it out of me. He just knows so much about the guy it's crazy. Plus getting this kind of dirt was making me feel uneasy now. Gag.

**Charlotte: No way I'm not his type; I eat food, hate Starbucks, talk and my legs touch**

**Troy: LOL what about you? You don't think you'll get on with him? Personality-wise?**

Judging by how it went tonight, I'd say nothing has changed. Doesn't matter what he did, he just ran out, like a coward. Just like I remember him, scared and far from this confident guy everyone sees him as.

Guys don't care about personality, especially Louis. Sometimes I really believe he's no different than Harry.

**Charlotte: I'm completely not his type, on all levels**

**Troy: Well that's mean isn't it? What if you could talk to him, what'd you say?**

I giggled before writing a DM back.

**Charlotte: Have better taste in girlfriends? Lord, why would I ask him anything? Why would anyone?**

**Troy: If you like me, you'll like him I guarantee it :)**

Cocky behavior is a turn off.

**Charlotte: OK moving on you said you were outside, where?**

**Troy: Santa Monica, it's this pub I went to last week. Feels like home to me :)**

**Charlotte: You Brits and your obsession for the drink. Anyone hit on you in there? I assume it's crowded by smelly old people**

**Troy: Hit on? No I'm enjoying being single. I come here to relax. Believe it or not pubs can be relaxing**

**Charlotte: I totally get that. I'd rather nurse my drinks in the corner of said bar, away from any signs of life**

**Troy: There are a few people actually from the UK so it's nice**

**Charlotte: My dad's from the UK, the past 10 years, that was his home**

**Troy: Louis and my dad's are from Doncaster, imagine that? SO much in common**

**Charlotte: Get married in Paris, it's legal :P**

**Troy: And we're back to the gay jokes let it go woman! I'll never DM you again**

**Charlotte: Hardly a joke when it's true. I didn't bring him up this time**

**Troy: You know you don't mind ;;)**

I blushed. I didn't, truth be told. Troy doesn't have to know that. Louis is a complicated guy now. Not me, least not anymore. I used to be this mysterious girl, now I say every thought in my head. People change. I can't help but how I react when Louis is brought up, even when I bring him up.

I remember his ex-girlfriend, Hannah; she was standing backstage watching his audition with wide eyes. I never met her but I heard she was polite. The producers of the show told her to stay backstage when Louis auditioned. I remember watching her sitting on the stairs, she looked sad but at the same time happy. Maybe she thought this was going to be the end of their relationship. The fans always liked Hannah; it was never split down the middle like it was with Eleanor. I understand not everyone is going to like who dates One Direction but there is something so superficial about Eleanor that always bothered me. She doesn't deserve death threats, but at the same time, the praise is so fucked up.

Nobody is that perfect so spare me the bull shit. I've addressed her looks, if people that is the most beautiful person in the world than they need to rethink their life choices. She always creeped me out even more than the Crypt Keeper. So what if she was a regular person? It's a vibe you get from someone even before they talk. Call it intuition but Eleanor always gave me bad ones. Not one ounce of her seemed authentic and I wondered how she could afford all those expensive clothes being a University student. Louis must have footed the bill on her every wish and whim like she was a princess. Then there's the alternative: suppose hooking was a side job for her, no wonder Louis was the one who ended it.

Charlotte: Does he ever think of his ex-gf Hannah?

I don't know why I wanted to know but it wouldn't leave my mind.

**Troy: He does often. He's mentioned it a few times ..**

Clearly he hasn't moved on since their breakup. First loves are so eternal. Part of me, a small minuet part, felt for him. Maybe that's why he felt so scared tonight.

**Troy: Sorry, maybe you're right, I won't bring him up anymore**

**Charlotte: But hey now, I brought him up :) Just curious, have they talked since breaking up?**

**Troy: Can we talk about something else?**

**Like what? All of a sudden talking about girlfriends is off limits? Since when did asking questions on Louis' personal endeavors have rules?**

**Charlotte: What's wrong Troy?**

**Troy: Nothing's wrong! Look I'm sorry let's change the subject? Louis' personal life is just boring to chat about**

Jesus, I pulled my phone back to make sure he wasn't kidding and I read it right. I wasn't prepared for Troy to get offended so quickly. I thought everything was out on the table.

Guess I was wrong. Hit a sore spot. But why was HE upset? Weird.

**Charlotte: He is your friend, why are you so reticent to talk about his personal life now? A few nights back no question went unanswered?**

Why did I ask him such an obvious question? Maybe he was involved in the breakup between them. Did he sleep with Hannah?

**Troy: I just am it's gossip. It's not real conversation. Charlie, please, let's talk about something else? :)**

I signed off Twitter and shut off my phone.

How dare he call me Charlie. Oh yeah, he doesn't even know.


	13. Chapter 13

** **

**Louis**

I waited an hour, sitting at the bar, downing 3 pints for something. A response. I instantly regretted not talking about Hannah. Not talking about anything. The reason why we were talking was because no topic was off limits. I mean we didn't sign this in blood but I really felt like I could talk about anything with her. Jesus, I fucked up. Troy wouldn't mind talking about Hannah. Louis would. I didn't want to push Charlie away, maybe I didn't know how strong those feelings still were. She was right. Why couldn't I talk about this? Or better yet, why can't TROY talk about it? Far as she was concerned Troy didn't go through what I did. Maybe pretending to be someone else is harder than I thought. Having her ignore me is worse than her hating me.

I looked at my phone for the thousandth time for any sign of her. I should just give up. She's not coming back. The Hannah talk killed it. Or the talk the that didn't happen because I'm such a weakling. I felt like a shit head and I was making it worse by glancing at the various mentions of my name; skimming and reading a few.

_@SassyForLouBear oh no, haven't heard from Tommo @Louis_Tomlinson in almost a week. guys is he dead?_

Fans really do obsess over us like it's a full time job.

_@MyHazzaDream you think Louis is blowing Harry on his days off while management takes over? #larryforever_

_@ZaynnyLife @Louis_Tomlinson Louis you ruined my every existence, k bye_

_@DirectionorEmma @Louis_Tomlinson lemme know when you come back, we miss your tweets sassypants !_

_@foreverinfected literally so frustrated right now with louis but i still love him so i'm goddamn conflicted, can't even_

_@ReadySetGo971D I am literally giving up on a 1/5, Louis will never follow me. I HATE this fandom_

_@LarryShipper4Life Louis is SO fucking insecure about himself. I wish he'd get some help, professionally speaking #larryforever_

_@harryatemyjellybean @Louis_Tomlinson if it weren't for US fans you'd be back in Doncaster doing god knows what, TWEET already_

_@NiallNiagraFalls I'm starting to believe Louis really doesn't care about us…where the fuck he is hiding? Zayn too?_

_@SkiptoMahLou does @Louis_Tomlinson have a new gf already? Sheesh, already replaced Eleanor that fast…guess who's the manwhore now_

_@StarSpangledLarry i hate how i know non of the boyz will care about my existence even though i spent sooo much time on them FUCK THEM @Louis_Tomlinson @Harry_Styles @ZaynMalik @OfficialNiallHoran @Real_Liam_Payne_

_@1DIMpersonator Dear @Louis_Tomlinson tweet you mother fucker, ok bye, sincerely the fandom, we pay yo bills!_

I looked at the clock, been here for at least a few hours. How much more of this can I take? The one person I don't want angry at me and now she's not here. Now there is just blatant hate. Intense fan hate. And for what? Because I don't tweet back every single one of the 16 million plus followers on my verified Twitter? Who said I owed anyone anything? I'm not on the clock.

If I could turn back time I would, be a regular person, I fucking would. I buried my head down on the bar deck, this was a terrible idea, why did I do it? Why did I want to see all this hate knowing full well what it will do to me? I honestly didn't think it would be this bad.

I picked up my phone, looking again.

_@Larry4Realsss the longer he doesn't tweet, the more Larry is fucking real people! #toldyouso #larry4eva_

"Intense night there mate?" A voice I recognized went off beside me.

I peeked through the side and saw Harry making himself right at home as he ordered a drink. I think he was waiting for me to say something but I wasn't going to.

"Fine, suit yourself man. Just looking out for ya." He drank loudly and I rolled my eyes.

"Yeah, that's what everyone seems to be doing…looking out for each other. By the way, you're underage."

"What are you talking about Lou?" Harry spat, I lifted my head to finally look at him.

I shook my head, being in this band was messing with my sanity. Being on Twitter was messing me up too. Fuck this. I glared at Harry before digging for cash throwing on the deck and getting up. I had to leave, or be away from Harry, one of those.

I turned the collar up on my jacket making my way outside to my car. I knew I was being followed when I saw Harry's shadow overlapping mine.

"What the fuck man? Talk to me!"

"No. You're not going to make me. Just piss off will ya?" Thank god it wasn't a long walk since I parked in the abandoned lot behind the pub.

I unlocked the doors, pulling the lever.

"Lou I'm not the enemy here. What's wrong? You never shut me out like this." I heard the sincerity in Harry's voice but I wasn't in the mood to talk.

Tried that already, didn't go so well. Harry knows about the account but he doesn't know how far I took this. I hated what I did. Harry and I used to be so close and now I can't say anything. I just wanted to talk to Charlotte. A stranger over someone I know inside and out for 4 years. How could a stranger make me feel better when I got a friend right in front of me?

"Louis, come on. Say something, it's freaking me out. Management gave you a timeout after those tweets. Tell me what's going on?" He was forcing me to talk.

"They. Are. Just. Tweets. Harry." I pulled open the door, throwing my body in the front seat.

Harry was standing there watching me and he wasn't going to leave. When I shut the door I locked it pulling out of the lot so fast I heard the tires screech on the pavement. I felt like the wind was knocked out of me. What the fuck was going on in my head?

Nobody understands. Nobody will understand. I won't make myself tell the same story to people who really don't care anyway. Management doesn't give two shits about my personal well being. All they care about is how many units are sold in the first week. I just wanted a break. Maybe choosing LA wasn't the brightest idea. Too much fuckery going on to keep up with.

Charlotte wasn't like everyone else. I feel like I've lost her. A small slip that defined everything.

No, I won't lose her. I was so close to feeling normal again, she was the only one who—wait no.

There was somebody else who tried to talk to me before I ran away without turning back.

I looked at the clock, after 2am. Jeez, can this time sound any lonelier? I turned around earning another screech of the tires. I was going somewhere. I think, I believe it's right.

When I came to the familiar residential neighborhood I had this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. I turned off the engine taking a deep breath.

Now or never.

* * *

**Charlie**

I hadn't realized I fell asleep in front of the TV until I heard a knock on my door jolting me awake. I was so out of it that I'd passed out from all the sulking earlier. First Louis now Troy. I didn't think he'd turn against me.

I heard another knock pound hard on the door and I turned down the TV, throwing the blanket off my body in a huff. I forced myself up, dragging my body toward the door, removing the chain.

I pulled the handle on the door open. Holy shit, now I was fully awake.

"Hi."

My eyes still had left over sleep in them, I tried to mask it.

I found my voice, barely.

"It's late." Fuck I sounded like a lesbian.

The corners of Louis' mouth turn up in a sympathetic smile. "Yeah, I'm sorry. I had to come over to say this."

I pulled the door further out, crossing my arms. "Say what?"

"Sorry if, I don't know, I'm just sorry about before. Leaving like that. You can forgive me or not, I just wanted to tell you that."

My lips were dry; my mouth was heading in that direction too. I couldn't believe what was happening. Am I dreaming? I licked my lips, clearing my throat.

"Hey quiet up there, we're trying to sleep." Old as dirt neighbors from downstairs barked suddenly.

Louis looked at me, biting his lip, not saying anything. Funny, I didn't tell him to leave at that moment too. I was too tired to fight anyone anymore.

"Sorry." I whispered. "They're gonna die soon, they lost most of their five senses but that one."

Usually it's the first to go. I saw Louis crack a smile, looking down. In interviews I see him do that a lot when he's embarrassed or shy. He did that when we met. I'll never forget how nervous he was right before he went on. He isn't this guy anymore. Maybe he is, maybe that guy is still there, somewhere hidden. Troy might have been right, I don't know. I still think they're different.

"Do you…wanna come in?" I said before I could retract it.

"Okay." I looked at him.

His blue eyes turning soft but my eyes were piercing his, trying to see any traces of a human.

I saw vulnerability I don't remember seeing, he looked like he wanted to say something. Part of the reason I said that was because of the fossils living below me. People are so obsolete here it's a routine now. Nobody says hi or goodnight, it's a world where your rent is collected on your doormat instead of being mailed. Wouldn't you all love to live here? I'd try the Betty Ford clinic.

I moved away so he can come inside. He smelled like alcohol. The temptation to ruin his pop star privileged life if he passed out in my apartment is so high right now I almost can't breathe. TMZ will run it and I'll get paid generous amounts of dough and then leave this shithole, along with tarnishing Louis' undeserving career.

But in that moment, I did nothing. Mainly because I found myself just watching his movements.

He looked awkward, standing in my apartment. His brown hair was tousled and practically in his eyes. Maybe that was the look he was going for. Where's the confidence? Where's the guy millions of girls fantasize about in fan fiction? I didn't see him anywhere now. I scanned every part of him and noticed something that stood out. His hands shook and he kept touching the back of his neck.

"I could make tea. English people like tea. OK, I'll make you tea." I said without taking a breath.

I moved to the kitchen, setting the kettle to boil. It was so quiet I could hear his breathing over the TV playing some loud movie.

I rushed to turn it off, making the room completely dark.

"You can sit down."

He hesitated before sitting on the corner of the couch, his eyes focused on me then down to my foot.

"You can do with sitting too."

I've never seen him like this. He was soft and gentle like a little wounded boy. Somebody hurt him, I wonder who? Probably some whore of the week, but why did he come back here? It was hard to ignore his vulnerability staring me right in the face. Was this the real Louis Tomlinson?

I sat down slowly and quickly reached for the lamp switch, flicking it on. I finally looked at him, all of him. His eyes were bloodshot, no trace of white sprayed around his iris. Blue eyes were dim; the brightness completely concealed somewhere else.

I moved my hand but took it back. I didn't know what to do now. We're not friends. He doesn't know my name. I'm a stranger; I'd be the last person in his life he'd bother seeing. Why would I even put myself on his list?

"I've had a…" He paused, looking down, "a rough night. I apologize for the late hour and for coming over again. I forgot about the deal."

I didn't care about the deal. I wanted to know who hurt him; he looked like he was suppressing anger deep inside that only he could understand.

I licked my lips, choosing my words scrupulously.

"S'ok. We um, I don't, we…" I was rambling. I couldn't finish the sentence for the life of me. Louis looked at me, hanging on my last words. I gulped, trying to say something, anything. "It's alright. It shouldn't be but, it's alright. Tonight I mean. I had a shit night too."

Silence covered the barely alive room. Louis nodded, still looking at me, I felt like he was looking right through me. It scared me.

"What happened?"

Oh nothing, just secured myself as a hermit for life. I could never say that. Not even to myself, aloud. I can't admit the reality, it's too hard.

I'm not even sure if I said anything so I forced the words.

"I said something I shouldn't have. It shouldn't bother me but it does. I don't know, I don't know if I messed things up."

Louis had an amused look on his face; he couldn't possibly understand what I meant.

"I must be crazy or something."

"I think a lot of people are crazy, admitting it is the first step."

"To what? Recovery?"

"No, being honest." I smiled in a thin line. Louis smiled and looked away.

I know I'm not clinically mental but a lot of people have called me crazy because I just don't care what people think of me. I care what Troy thinks. Now he's gone. All because I left and made a stupid knee-jerk decision.

Louis sighed heavily, taking his eyes off me for a moment then I felt them again on me as I averted my attention.

"There's something about your eyes."

"What?" I tried to hide that girl I buried long since; she was clawing back to the surface, like an old friend.

I felt goose bumps rise on my arms and rubbed them as Louis turned his body to look at me.

He was examining me like a project, almost like he was going to draw me.

"I said there is something about your eyes. I feel like I've seen them before." Oh no, it was better when he didn't remember anything.

"Oh…" I looked down, huddling my shoulders. "Hazel eyes are common actually—"

"No they aren't. Someone I knew had them; she was the only one I knew with hazel eyes. It's a rare pigment."

I chewed my lip blinking my eyes on him then shrugging. "Really?"

I began to move away but he caught my hand before I could get up.

"Tell me if it's true?" He whispered moving closer to me if possible.

The whistle of the kettle chimed. I pulled harshly from his hands.

"Excuse me." I got up, walking to the kitchen; turning off the kettle.

I was safe. I thought I was. He's beginning to remember. Crap on things.


	14. Chapter 14

** **

**Louis**

I approached her as she poured the tea, letting it brew. She stared intently at what she was doing ignoring me completely. She was hiding something, her behavior got weird in seconds of me asking if I knew her.

I feel like I had. I just don't remember when, where, or how.

"You're creeping. Stop doing that."

Her voice sent chills to the bottom of my spin. I swallowed trying to come at this from a sober way.

I went to the side where she could see me. I couldn't stop looking at her, I had to know. It's almost like I need a small confirmation, anything to prove she came before all this fame.

Would it matter? Normalcy matters so yes it would. I looked at her staring at the steaming mugs of tea.

Her hands were leaning on the counter for support, her chest moving with her accelerated breathing. I reached over and gently moved some hair she was hiding behind so I can see her eyes. Deep, rich and hazelnut. Just like I remember, but from where?

"We've met before, did we?"

She sucked in her lip, popping it out in annoyance. I didn't know if she was aware that I could practically hear her heart beating against her chest.

She turned around, surprising me, "Doesn't matter, I don't live in the past anymore."

Her back faced me again. I couldn't handle it. I caught her arm gently, she stilled at the gesture so I eased and let go.

"Of course it matters love."

"No it doesn't." She whispered, turning her face.

"Do you want me to leave?"

Silence.

I thought I heard an inaudible "whatever" when she walked back to the couch. Her foot placed onto the pillow; she was adjusting it for comfort and began to unwrap the gauze around her foot. I came forward.

"You can't take that off." I placed my hands over hers, sitting next to her closely. She stiffened when I touched her. "I mean it. I did it once and my foot bruised even more."

She pulled back, I thought she was going to fight me but she sat back folding her arms across her chest, looking anywhere but me.

"How did we meet? I know we did." I tried to get her to look at me but nothing. She was adamant on avoiding the question.

I know I was prying and basically forcing her to answer me, like Harry did before. But, I couldn't help it; I was getting closer to affirmation now. I can feel it.

I let go of her hands and fixed the wrap on her foot, making sure not to dress it too tight. It could bruise that way too.

I was nearly finished when-

"You can leave it alone now."

"I'm not doing it too tight, it won't swell up don't worry."

"It's no need. You don't have to." She leaned over to me; I could feel her breath on my cheek.

"You say that too much. Stop being stubborn and let me help you."

She laughed incredulously. "Yeah…like you ever helped anyone but yourself."

I stopped immediately and stared hard at her. "What was that?"

"You heard me."

"I believe I heard lies."

She sighed oddly.

"You're acting nice but that's all, it's just an act. All you know is how to take from people. You had an easy ride and you know that."

"Huh? Nothing I ever did came easy. What are you talking about?"

She laughed again, that weird curt laugh she did in my car a few nights back.

"You know something don't you? Tell me already. Stop with the cryptic bull shit."

She sunk further inside the couch, shutting her eyes.

"Yeah we've met before. But it doesn't matter anymore." She grumbled.

"I think it does. Where? When?" I fired off at her.

She opened her eyes, looking directly at me. "Fame really has changed you."

"That isn't what I asked."

She huddled her shoulders, hugging them.

"Tell me your name at least."

Something. Anything. I'm on the edge of my seat here in questions. That was the one question I wanted answered.

She paused before speaking.

"Names are earned. I can't just tell you my name like that."

I sighed running my fingers through my hair in frustration.

"Alright…" I thought of this from another angle. I sure as fuck wasn't going to get anywhere with her, but I still tried.

"Tell me to go then." I challenged her.

I saw her eyes glass over, I couldn't watch this. I didn't know what I was supposed to do or why I was even here. I apologized and that should be it.

She tensed, her lips bunched like it was sown together. "I can't do that."

"Why not?" I pressed.

She grabbed the blanket pulling it over her body. I didn't notice she was shivering in all this. All I cared about were the answers.

"Because…" she looked at me as if she was checking if I was still there. "Fuck off, figure it out."

"I'd love it if you just tell me. I'm not playing a game here. I'm making it very simple. Tell me to leave and I'll leave."

She pulled the blanket tighter around her body blinking several times until she covered her whole body with it.

"Louis…you shouldn't have done anything for me. I don't need this right now."

I narrowed my eyes. This girl is full of secrets now and I wish I knew what to say to make her open up. It's enough I lost Charlotte, she'll probably never come back, but to strike out again, with somebody I barely know, I won't leave until I get something out of her. A real, direct answer. Something I rarely get being who I am.

"Why are you so afraid?"

She slipped down the blanket, looking at me with those big eyes. "Not afraid. Why do you think I'm afraid?"

I drew in a shaky breath, touching the back of my neck for the millionth time. "Just be straight with me then?"

She looked at me; the only thing I can think of was a scared little girl. She looked so fragile. "Its better you don't remember. Was so long ago."

She bowed her head down biting her lip. I didn't understand any of this. Why was she acting this way? What did I do to her?

I made a gesture, a small one, my body turned to the door. I was struggling with it. Moving. She obviously didn't want me here. It's like talking to a brick wall. Not going to get anywhere being this way.

"Fine." I finally moved to stand up but she caught me.

"Wait…" She gripped my arm with an urgency I never felt from anyone since Hannah. "Stay. Please don't leave."

I am so confused right now. What did she want from me? I feel like I was the one being played here.

Her words caught inside her throat before she spoke. I could tell it was hard for her to speak to me, to anyone.

"I'm sorry. I don't want you to run away." She sniffed, she must have been holding back crying. "Don't—"

She paused when I hesitated, looking at the door, agonizing over what is smart now.

I didn't move right away. I wasn't completely sure if I should be scared or sink further into this girl's life. Another part of me didn't question this. She didn't feel like a stranger to me.

And this is what made me stay. I sat back down as she removed the blanket, using my body as a replacement. I swallowed; I knew she heard it because she looked at me before hugging my torso.

"I'm sorry…just don't leave. Please Louis…" She hugged me tighter, even more intense urgency coming out of her. "I'm sorry…"

I find the words I was planning to say harder to get out the tighter she hugged me. Why did I stay? Why did I bother with this girl at all?

It's simple.

Because I knew her.

" _Great job Louis!" The producer backstage told me the second I stepped off stage._

_Nerves were still alive in my body. I felt an adrenaline rush. I made it. Fuck, I actually made it through. Hasn't really sunk in but I was feeling those affects stream through my body. That feeling between out-of-body and alive._

_My thoughts were interrupted as I was engulfed in a warm embrace suddenly, Hannah. I smiled genuinely but something caught my eye at the corner of the room. Hannah's voice turned my attention back on her._

" _Smashing babe! You were great out there!" I love her but now people are just being nice._

_I hugged my girlfriend back, closing my eyes. When I opened them I saw the person, the girl from before. She was coming toward me, a slight blush on her cheeks. Her doe eyes looking down before they caught mine. She smiled when Hannah pulled away, looking between the two of us._

_Another blush crept over her cheeks when Hannah gave a polite smile back. She kissed my cheek before telling me she'll be right back._

_Things were quiet for a second and then-_

" _You were great out there." The girl said warmly. I blushed._

" _Thank you. Look's like we both made it." I said, pointing to her confirmation paper._

_She nodded, looking down on it as if she were memorizing everything. "We did." Her eyes flew back to me. "Yeah, I guess this is it."_

_Something about the way she said that made me curious._

_She still had her guitar strap around her neck and then froze when I looked at her. I was about to say something—_

" _Hey guys! Picture time." One of the makeup artists said behind me holding up a professional camera. "For the show, memory billboard."_

_I glanced at the girl, giving her a shy smile. "You don't have to." I whispered._

_She held her hand to stop me gently, "No it's OK." She looked to the enthusiastic girl, giving her a bright smile. Her somber expression brightening in a flash. I was impressed. Her smile was blinding._

_The girl told us to stand close together. I think she thought we were a couple. I tried to move close to her without overstepping her boundaries but she moved further than I would have thought. Green light. I placed my arm around her shoulder, smiling at her before I heard Sonya, the makeup artist behind the camera count down._

_The flash snapped and I felt her body instantly slip away from me the moment the picture was taken. She'd walked further away from where I stood, the whole thing was confusing me. I never asked her name or anything. She just left, like this was a dream. Like she was ghost._

_Those eyes. How could I forget those eyes? I don't think I can. They were brief and unique. I wanted her to stay for a second more. But it was too late. I never saw her again. Not even at boot camp._

"Louis?" I came out of the flash; things were becoming clearer by the second. She looked at me, concern dripping off her expression.

"Are you alright?"

I couldn't be wrong about this.

"You're the girl I met at the auditions, aren't you?"

* * *

**Charlie**

I moved away quickly.

"How—what, I was, no—" My thoughts were on rapid fire. I tried to form a coherent defense.

"Please don't lie to me anymore."

"Louis…it was so long ago, how could you remember any of this?" I didn't understand why he would care to remember me.

The encounter was so brief it was laughable. Even more than my audition.

"I just do." He grabbed my hands, lacing them together. I remember seeing this gesture with Hannah and shook. "It was you, wasn't it? Backstage, you saw me."

"Me what? Could be someone who looked like me. Ever thought of that?" I didn't make eye contact on purpose. Struggling with his hands but he wouldn't let me go.

He shook his head deforming my words further. "It's you. I know it is."

I shivered. He needs to leave right now. "No way…you've got the wrong girl. I swear. I never went on that shitty show."

He smirked. "Then why did you say what you said about me earlier? What's the real reason you hate me?"

Shit, he knows. He's getting closer and closer to the truth. I panicked. How he knew all of this made me nearly go into hysterics. He felt me shaking but he wouldn't let me go.

"I already told you I don't hate you. You have to know someone to hate them."

That did it. He let go. I used Troy's words all of a sudden and he released me. So easily too.

"W-where did you hear that from?" His voice was barely above a whisper, it sounded menacing. I paused, looking around. "Tell me?"

"I don't know, it doesn't matter where, but it's true. You have to. I don't know you so how could I possible hate you Louis?!"

I saw his blue eyes fill with worry, getting more bluer by the second. I've never seen Louis so scared, so, I don't know. Maybe he is still there after all. The guy I met three years ago. He isn't dead like I thought. He is still human.

"You want what I have? You want this life…don't you?" I said nothing, I couldn't deny that. I wanted this life at one point. But those days were gone as soon as I tried and failed to attain it. I shook my head still. "Liar. You were there. You were just as scared as I was. I remember like it just happened. I saw you standing behind Hannah with your guitar. Don't fucking deny it. I went to ask your name but you'd gone before I could. This all happened. Don't lie to me. Everybody lies to me, don't you do it too."

Did he get the flashes too? Holy shit. This mother fucker got serious. How else could he have remembered?

My throat had gone dry and I couldn't form a thought, a defense; everything that he was saying held some truth to it. I just never thought our paths would cross again.

"Louis…you can't possible think I'm—" I looked at him. He was waiting for me to finish. His lips were thin and he looked anxious. "There's no way you'd remember."

He cupped my cheeks suddenly; I knew my face was on fire now. My hands covered his; I can't handle how he was being.

"Now I know why you act the way you do."

"But that doesn't mean I hate you."

"No but, I never saw you after that day. I looked for you but you weren't there anymore. What happened to you?"

Louis really wanted to talk about my failures. I just wanted to go back to the way things were before. When I was just a clerk punching a clock which is who I am now, the other life is gone.

Tears slid off my cheeks and down his fingers. I pried his hands off my face, trying to push that memory as far back as I could.

"Don't wanna talk about this."

He pulled me close to him; his face was deathly close to mine. "I won't force you, I swear. You can trust me."

"Have trust issues, remember?"

"Come here…" He whispered in my ear.

My foot started hurting instantly as he said this. I grabbed it, trying to fight through the pain. No I am not reaching for those pills.

Louis Tomlinson cannot help me. It's not his business.

"I can't go anywhere right now. Look, umm, it's late. You don't have to stay. It's super late and—"

"I'm staying." I started to protest but he caught my hand. "Don't even think about it. Here, let me help you."

I was thinking of Troy in that moment. Wondering where he is, who he was with, what he was doing. Instead I have Louis. A sore fucking replacement. Why did he care so much about helping me?

"I would prefer to be left alone." My angst-written words came out before my gratitude. I know that was the right thing to do but I don't think Louis should involve himself anymore.

"That what you really want? A second ago you were begging me to stay? What changed? Because you're pissed I remembered you?"

I grit my teeth and turned around on the couch, my back was facing him. I was getting used to shutting him out. Why doesn't he see I just want my privacy back?

"I'm right huh?" I couldn't respond because he actually was but I'll never admit that.

"Yes, you're a total asshole." I said over my shoulder, earning a chuckle behind me.

"Boy when you give compliments…complete turn on. You sure do have massive experience in shutting people out don't you love? Not with me, not right now."

I gulped. I was scared of what that meant. This is bordering on stalking. Didn't he know that? Nobody would believe me though. In fact, the world would think I was nuts to call it stalking. Fuck. How unfortunate for me…Louis didn't care. I just wanted Troy. I missed him. I wanted him to be the one to comfort me.

Not a fucked up pop star obsessed with admiration. He just can't stand that someone could have a legitimate reason not to like him.

"You have better things to do I'm sure." I sat up, feeling for my foot, massaging it a bit.

"Actually I don't. I know you don't want to admit shit to me right now but I know you need me. Or else you wouldn't have begged me earlier and changed your mind when I said I knew you."

I stared at him, exhausted. "You don't know me. Nobody does." Maybe it should stay that way too.

"Yes I do. You auditioned for the same show I did three years ago and you were scared out of your mind. You looked at me, I remember that. You were carrying your guitar; you had a call number just like me and we took a picture together. That I remember."

The picture. Now all of me was shivering as if I blasted the AC in below zero weather. "It could be someone else Louis."

He tipped my chin, making me face him. I was scared. I tried everything I could to hide it, but she still exists. That girl…just as afraid as the day of the audition.

"You gave me this look before your audition love. It's not another girl when I know the truth staring me in my eyes."

Fuck. I was slipping. "Louis…please…it was so long ago. I'm not that girl anymore. I'm just not."

"I tell you what, names are earned; you said this. I want to earn your name. Let me."

I searched his eyes, he was there, he was. Oh god, what the hell am I getting myself into?

"Stay over."


	15. Chapter 15

** **

**Louis**

I lay awake most of the night on her couch until I was sure she fell asleep. I had too much to think about to fall asleep. This was the same girl I was searching for at the auditions, before I was famous, before the world pretended to care who I was. Even though I had Hannah in my life and I was so happy, I was still looking for her face. So much was left unsaid. I barely had a real conversation with her and now, she's just so bitter. What happened to her that day? I hated myself for not going after her when she came to me, who knew she would appear later on in my life? Who knew she'd feel the way she does? I sure as shit didn't believe she cared so much about hating the group let alone me personally.

Who knew I would find her by herself at night on a beach in Santa Monica.

Who knew she actually thought of me too?

Did she really? I couldn't tell honestly. When she did it was mostly bad thoughts. She was green. She wanted this life. She didn't want to be ordinary anymore. Or…who knows? Tons of people want this life and would hardly admit to it. Getting inside her head is harder than anything. I don't know where her brain is.

When she fell asleep I carried her to her bed, slipping her body carefully in the covers. She looked peaceful so sound asleep. I relaxed when I stared at her for a few long moments. Not even sure when I decided it was enough. I look at her and I just want to know her. I wasn't thinking about anything else. When she turned on her side, her back faced me when she made this aberrant moan deep in her throat. I watched her in case she moved again. Nothing.

I sighed; I wasn't going to be getting any fucking sleep tonight.

I was faced with two simple options, ignore this girl completely, let her face her issues with a professional or stay as she requested.

I felt so torn. Maybe she was right about this life changing me. It's such a phenomenal life I really can't say that enough, but, I suffered the side effects. I think all of the guys in some way signed our souls to the devil when we signed that contact with Syco. Do I regret it all? So fucking hard to say. Why is this girl making me doubt myself suddenly? Sure people hated us but I was hardly affected by all the rumors and shit the fans would make up. Not until now.

But it's different because this girl knows me. Even though we've never talked before, we seem to know each other. She was just like me many years ago and now I am feeling like I did before the audition. Shit. What is she doing to me? I hardly know what to think is real anymore.

On the earning her name part? I don't know how far she'll allow me to go with that one. She may wake up the next morning, kick my ass out and get a restraining order.

Why did I care so much about knowing her name? It's just a name. Then again, I hide behind a cover too. My real name isn't known by the fans so well. People still believe its Louis William Tomlinson, but it's not what I was christened with. Louis Troy Austin is who I really am. My birthright anyway. And Charlotte, god knows where she is or what she's doing; she is knowing the real Louis. Now it's over I feel. This girl is not the same. Even if she said what I told Charlotte before, which is pure coincidence honestly. Mum used to say until you know someone you can't hate them.

Does that mean this girl deserves to hate me because I made it in a talent competition and she fell off the music radar? I can see her point. But I still think hate is such a strong option to go from.

The strange thing is I actually want to get to know this girl, whoever she is. As tough and challenging as it probably will be, I still want to. God help me.

Maybe this was easier than just waiting for someone to come online. Am I giving up on Charlotte? I hope she comes back. For now I have this girl. I saw something in her eyes. This intense need for someone to help her. I mean, I am not in a position to help anyone, psychologically speaking.

But earning someone's name? I don't know if anyone's ever said that to me before. On Twitter I'd get ridiculous messages from girls all over the country and in Europe, the most shallowest things you can think of. Then after mild amusement, I see their names and its boring after that. I know everything about them and I walk away.

I don't think anyone of the guys me included could really date a fan. As much as we say the opposite, it's a complete lie. I can't personally date a fan, though really, imagine that? Dating someone who already more or less knows everything about you? Most of the stuff she knows is what she reads anyway on Tumblr or Twitter anyway. Least not forget The Mirror and various similar outlets claiming to tell "the truth." I mean it's fucking crazy the lengths people will go just to know us because we're not five unattractive lads. It's like enough already. I am not interested in anyone right now.

I've barely been single for two months, that's like some record for me since I became well-known. Jeez, the levels people will go to be the girl in my life.

Can't someone just not want to be with me for once? I think I may have found her. I am sleeping on her couch, but she's not Charlotte. She's not that girl who knows the real me, or does she?

Shit I am so confused; I could use some fresh air. I got up from the couch, trying to be as quiet as I could and made my way to the balcony. I took my phone along with me. The one management knows of. My secret phone was in the car downstairs, buried in the glove compartment. I glanced at the phone in my hand. Should I?

I think my verified might be working but I wasn't interested in that right now. I had shut the mobile off days ago when Modest shunned me from the verified account and haven't reopened it since. Now I don't even care about it. I know fans will basically try and scratch their own eyes out if I don't tweet again, even if it's something stupid. I still had Troy. Harry was good to his word. I still got to keep Troy, on the off chance Charlie might come back. I hope she does.

I closed my eyes, biting my tongue as I switched on the mobile. If I went down to the car to get the phone I really wanted I'll make a lot of noise and I didn't want that.

I missed Charlotte so badly. I wanted to talk to her. Right now. I wanted to meet her, hear her voice and see her mannerisms. I wanted that girl. I wish she would come back.

When the phone finally loaded I waited for the Twitter app to function and instantly logged into Troy. I couldn't help myself. I smiled at what I saw the second everything came to focus.

**Charlotte: I need you. I'm so sorry I logged off. Please forgive me. I don't know what to do anymore…please talk to me Troy!**

I'm here. I shut the balcony door, I thought I heard movement from her room and shut the door even more closed. I turned off the alerts so the girl won't wake up. Its nearly 5am, I didn't want to take my chances but I was desperate. I needed Charlotte too.

**Troy: I'm here. Please don't leave like that again. You scared me love :)**

I had everything on silent so it only lit up when I got anything. New DM at 4:43am.

She's up! Yes…

**Charlotte: I'll never do it again. Just had a rough time tonight. Please don't think it's you. I shouldn't have mentioned Hannah…**

**Troy: No it's not an issue anymore. I don't care about that. I'll answer whatever you want, anything at this point**

**Charlotte: :) It's not my place to ask. It's Louis' personal life, I shouldn't care if he talks to her or not**

**Troy: He doesn't. Not anymore**

It's true. I haven't heard from Hannah in at least a year. I hear she's well though. Studying botany, making new friends back home, working with children, she's happy. So I hear from our mutual friends.

**Charlotte: Does he still love her?**

I can't lie about this, only my mum knows how I feel about Hannah and I never told anyone this, not even to the guys.

**Troy: Part of him does…he has dreams about her**

**Charlotte: Oh…how do you know all this really? How close are you guys?**

And in that moment, that's when I knew she liked me. I knew it. But I didn't have 100% assurance if she had feelings for me. A crush maybe for all I know. We're friends so it couldn't help to turn the tables and now ask her how she feels about me.

**Troy: Babe, how do you feel about him?**

**Charlotte: Come on lol I don't feel anything about him…he still has feelings for his ex. You just said it  
**

I cleared my throat. It was getting a bit cold out here, I debated going back inside but I stayed put. I think I was getting somewhere with her.

**Troy: How do you feel about Louis love?**

I waited a few long silences before she came back...this was a big deal. I had to know how she feels about me.

**Charlotte: Oh God...please don't tell him OK?**

Alright, I braced myself for what's to come next. I prayed it was good news.

**Charlotte: I haven't stopped thinking about him since three years ago, I see his face everywhere. That's the truth**

What? What is she talking about? Did we actually meet? What happened three years ago I wonder? Why couldn't she tell me? Did we meet before Hannah? What? That couldn't be possible. I was in England all that time. I was never in LA.

I found myself smiling as I gave an answer.

**Troy: He'd be happy to hear this, trust me, tell me more, where did you meet?**

**Charlotte: A while ago, it was so long ago I thought he'd forget me, in fact I wish I never seen him ever**

Wait a minute…something about this is fishy. It was too cold now to think. I stood up to go back inside and shut the sliding door quietly.

I stopped in place. Something about this story was making me shiver. Was she in England three years ago and we ran into each other somewhere? I had to know.

**Troy: Tell me everything, Louis won't know anything**

**Charlotte: Troy I need to move on. He's still in love with Hannah. I can't tell you anymore about it. Hurts too much**

**Troy: Babe I wish you would, for me…I could just listen**

**Charlotte: He doesn't belong to me. What I felt years ago just isn't there anymore. And he doesn't want me**

Yes he does! Just say it. Fucking say what you feel already. Why can't I be the one to say it's me? That I'm the guy she feels this way about? Jesus, what am I waiting for?

OK, no more games. I was going to say it. I was too deep into this, my hands were shaking and I knew it was time.

**Charlotte: Hold on…**

I jumped up when the girl's door opened. Her eyes were oddly bloodshot; she looked like she'd been crying, her hair was amiss.

"Louis…" She paused; she said it so quietly I forgot about my phone. "Three years ago, what do you remember, about me?"

What? I was taken aback by the question. It was already past 5am, I haven't slept, I was on the verge of telling Charlotte who I really am when this girl asks me about the fucking X-Factor auditions? I was so damn close.

I willed my head to make sense of everything. The look this girl was giving me was scaring me now.

I swallowed strangely, searching for the words I had before when I did remember what happened. Those flashes, think Louis. She's there, just say it.

"I just remember seeing you there. I never saw you after that day. I looked for you at boot camp when the group got put together. I wanted to tell you about the good news but you weren't there. That's it." I let out a huge chunk of air I was holding.

I was getting nervous again.

Her face changed. "That's it?" It was her turn to swallow like I had. I didn't understand why she was acting this way. Why she was looking so sullen, like someone punched the air out of her.

She backed up back inside her room, tears rolling down her cheeks. I moved to say something; I didn't know what else she wanted to hear. I tried again but she held her hand up.

"It's OK, that's all I wanted to know." Her voice had no color. The tone was dark and dangerous, she looked at the ground then picked up her eyes to lock on mine.

I moved closer but she harshly backed away further. "What's wrong? What happened?"

She stopped shaking and backing away, taking a deep breath. "I have to know something." She bit her lip. "Please…"

I was about to ask what she wanted to know when she walked toward me and held my face in her hands. My eyes went wide eyes as she gave me a wild look, she moved her face closer and closer until her lips touched mine in a strong, passionate kiss that smothered my heart.


	16. Chapter 16

** **

**Charlie**

I was waiting three years to act on these feelings and I'm finally doing it. I'm not ashamed of it. Troy told me I should tell him. I don't care anymore.

I don't hate Louis, I never did. What's shocking about my gesture was that he kissed me back. I felt him respond and my entire body nearly fell limp.

I was backed up on the couch, moving the blankets aside, with his body on top of me, his lips finding mine, moving slowly, gently assuredly over me as if he knew how what he was doing. I never opened my eyes once, I felt sucked into moment and I never wanted to let go. The moment lingered. My heart was falling, falling deeper than I ever dreamed.

The truth was…I fell. It was only three years ago when I first saw Louis, I followed his career secretly, trying hard to forget him, but it was so difficult, some days I just tried to think of ways to hate him. I slept better that way. I would watch him in interviews and my heart called, over and over. I couldn't help myself. If he ever came into my life again, I don't know what I would do. So I tried to hide it. Bury the looks he gave me at the audition. Force myself to believe it was just spark, magic, fairy dust. I deleted the Disney movie of me achieving everything in my mind, I didn't think it was possible to have everything.

Hannah made him happy. Then it was Eleanor, and now, I don't know what he's thinking. But I know I can't stop kissing him and I never want to.

He took control, taking the lead like I dreamed he would do. His hands caressing my face, making me believe this was so real, so far from dreamland. Reality set in, I wasn't asleep, though it was morning; it was just us, no one else. Time didn't matter. Stress didn't appear like it always had in place of my happiness.

I liked him right now as he is, taking what is his, not pushing me away, owning this moment. His kisses were deliberate, taunt and possessive. I'm truly finding a calmness I didn't know existed. I don't want to pull away from this feeling. Being alive, being truly here. Flesh, bone, soul and heart. His hands then fingertips were touching my face like he claimed them in another lifetime. I adored his touches. I didn't want this to ever end.

God damn it. I am so…in it now. I am so clouded with this mysterious guy who saw my face, looked for me and found it in his heart to stay the night even if he was scared. He still did what he did. Maybe the guy I saw was still there. The guy I froze at the auditions three years. No…this is so much bigger than I ever imagined. He hasn't said anything yet.

He lips hovered over mine for a long, intimate moment. The back of my hand brushed his cheek as he kissed me again, molding his lips to mine, finding truth, pushing lone doubts, all of them away. The fervent passion I started with mimicking in my honor. I returned the passion, as much as I had in me, pouring all these pent up emotions where I knew they belong. His heart. His beautiful soul. I couldn't bring myself to pretend any longer.

The short time he came into my life was enough. I couldn't, I wouldn't lie to myself anymore.

His lips found their way to my neck, pressing needed kisses along the open skin calling for his touch. I moaned deeply, I wasn't sure if I was shaking, inside I was. Damn, I couldn't handle how gentle he was being with me. How careful he knew my foot was still giving me pain; that no longer mattered.

I brought his face up to mine, staring in his eyes, locking my gaze. I leaned in touching my lips to his, kissing my way to his story, his secrets. The person he doesn't show. I wanted to fall deeper, find new discoveries, tracing another world only my heart can understand. I wanted to know him. His life, his deadly danger, the moments where he's vulnerable, his fear, who hurts him and use my body, mind and soul to heal him in any way I can.

I was shaking, so was he, we were afraid of what this could mean. So much has happened now; I wish I could know what's in his head. How he feels.

The way he's kissing me now, do I need to ask?

I felt his mouth open and his tongue crept out, sliding on my bottom lip, I slightly smiled, welcoming whatever he wanted. I wanted to please him, know his journey. His tongue swept inside my mouth chasing mine, trying to know me. I had to be ready, this felt so right parts of me shivered at the thought of surrendering to him.

I was ready. My tongue swept across his bottom lip, confidence seeping with every motion, I tried to muster what little courage I have left to say something.

My lips pulled away, staring into his eyes as he popped them open, piercing me with a strong force that was hypnotic. I was under his spell. I wanted this man. No question and no waiting.

I leaned close to his ear, my breathing was scarce, I tried to bring my voice out again, whispering the words. My lips touching his ear with every fine syllable.

"Bedroom, I need you…" I confessed. In that moment I needed him more than anyone else.

I trusted him, no games, no pretense, no more buried truths I held so close to my heart.

* * *

Louis' POV

She said these words and I froze, like the moments when I first saw her. I understood her and so I pushed Charlotte and everything else away from my mind, clearing my thoughts. I stared in front of me, at this gorgeous girl, her hazel eyes never leaving my dark, lustful blue ones.

"O-ok." I said, my voice couldn't hide the nerves sneaking up on me.

Why was I so nervous? Why did this girl take me to that scared little boy I was over three years ago? When I'm with this girl, I feel like a normal person. The kind of person I'd only dream of being since all this fame hit me so fast.

"Louis…" She asked, her voice shaking too as she moved to softly kiss me, her eyes still closed, her lips swollen and warm. She moved against my lips, lingering there until I found her.

I moved my body a little, swallowing down my nerves, trying to hard to shut off any doubts I had about this. What doubts did I actually have?

She's beautiful, she wants me and she treats me the way I always wanted to be treated. Then why did it feel like I'm missing something I should know?

I shouldn't think this much, she may ask questions. I gazed into her eyes, staunchly holding her attention for several long moments before choosing my words carefully.

Bugger, they were hard to get out, I couldn't say them. The way she was looking at me, so gently, seeing a soft, natural purity when I first met Hannah.

But…oh god. I am a horrible person. Why am I doing this to this girl? It's wrong on all levels.

I sat up from the couch slowly but she gave me a look of panic. Grasping my arm like a young child. "Louis…don't go."

Tears began to fall down her cheeks almost instantly. She gripped my arm and all I could think about was Charlotte. I couldn't do that to her. Hannah, she's still there, she never left my heart.

I shook my head, this hurt. This fucking hurt so bad I can't stand it. I couldn't look at her; it was too painful to go on.

I had feelings for this girl, but I cared about Charlotte also. Shit, what a fucking mess I've gotten into.

Kissing this girl made me weak, I couldn't think logically. The entire world was put on pause the moment she melted her lips over mine. I could still feel them, burning me, pulling me inside her life.

I still thought about Charlotte. I still wanted her. God, I am such an asshole. Why did she kiss me? Now I don't know what to do with myself.

"I can't, I can't be this, I don't know. I need some time. I'm sorry." I picked my body up as she struggled to stand up running up to me, pushing my body against the door, her fingers gripping my jacket in bunches.

"You're going to be like every guy I ever met? That isn't fair." She placed her hand over my chest, she felt the drumming against her palm. "This is the guy I know. That other guy, that's not him. You know this Louis." She whispered her voice in utter pain. I just took it because I was so torn with these two girls.

I couldn't lose Charlotte but I haven't felt this amazing with someone in years.

"Maybe what you thought was somebody else."

She loosened her grip. "Coward. You liar."

She beat on my chest with her fists and I took everything she gave me. Eventually she stopped and my arms came around her body, hugging her in place as she spit out swear words muffled in my embrace.

"I wasn't lying when I said someone cared…I wasn't I promise you."

She pulled off of me to stare at me with wide eyes. "Who?" She backed away suddenly, her eyes turned to shock and circular. "Oh my god. He said that."

Now it was my turn to reiterate. "Who said what?"

Her fingers touched her lips, in that moment I wish I could take back everything I just said; reverse the way she's looking at me now, with disdain.

Now I couldn't define her face when she moved her hand. I was scared of her next step. Jesus, what the fuck is going to happen now?

She came toward me again, pushing on my chest roughly. "I don't care. I'm not letting you go without a fight."

She smashed her lips over mine and I found mine responding to it immediately. The way she was aggressive, strong and defiant, sure as fuck turned me on in a flash.

I was backed up hard against the door, her hands were everywhere now. I felt my body getting hard and hot by the seconds.

She pulled away for air, leaning her forehead against mine, her hands trailing down to play with the top of my trousers. Shit.

"Can't be our last kiss. I won't have it."

I picked her up in my arms and moving her to what I thought was the bedroom. When I placed her down our lips were still connected. Everything was slowly disappearing and I felt light now. I kissed around her face, dipping down gently to her neck again, feeling her pulse quicken the more I pressed my mouth on her skin. Her warm skin, her heartbeat hammering against her ribcage, knowing I was the cause of this, changed everything.

"It can't be, can't be, can't be…" She repeated multiple times, I was just as scared as her. More afraid than I was when we first met.

I stopped suddenly. I really was afraid. Shit, but why? She brought my face to hers.

"Don't do this…" She whispered, kissing me with a fire that burned into every piece of my existence.

I kissed her back, trying so hard to push my trepidation away and never return. I couldn't feel afraid now. Why? Oh god, Charlotte. No, I can't do this to her.

"Louis, please don't do it…" She sniffed I knew at this point she may cry and I didn't know what to do with myself.

I had to stop this. I was thinking too much. I pulled off of her and rolled on my back on her bed. Can't. Fucking. Do. It. Just can't and I have no idea why Charlotte means more than this girl.

She was crying. I heard beginning squeaks of sobs fall from her, her entire body was curled up in a ball. My hands were frozen until she spoke.

"I am so stupid. I am sorry. I feel terrible for all this…" She choked the last words in her throat. Her chest heaving and rumbling on the bed, making my body alert.

I gulped, feeling her lips leave a prominent trail where they touched. Her hands felt warm and inviting but now, my body was cold, devoid, completely motionless.

"I have," I paused when she picked up her face, looking at me. Oh god. "I have never felt this way in a long time."

She nodded, rubbing her foot slyly. I immediate fixed my focus on her injury.

"Are you in pain?"

She pursed her lips, I could tell she was being brave and didn't want to admit it.

She bit her lip, looking at me, rubbing now so I can see it. "Yes, it hurts so much."

"Per—your prescription, where is it?"

She opened her mouth looking shocked I asked the question. "I, uh—I think in the living room."

I got up as she said that and went to living room to check. My hands were shaking as I opened the blinds, letting some light in. I spotted the bag behind the couch and dove for it.

When I hurried into the room I saw her lying on her side with her foot on the pillow again. She'd stripped her clothes since I last saw her, baring nothing but panties and a long T-shirt. She didn't look at me as I came beside the bed. I saw the water next to her and picked it up above her head.

Opening the bag I took the bottle out, looking at it to make sure.

I looked at her, my hand slightly touching her back. Scared out of my mind of what she was going to do.

When things appeared safe, I rubbed her back until she turned around and sat on her elbow, looking directly in my eyes.

I silently gave her the water and the few pills she was supposed to take and she looked at them with no expression on her face.

"Why are you doing this for me?" She said. When I said nothing back she took the pills and swallowed before I said anything.

I didn't want to anyway. She had a habit of asking that question a lot and I was tired of answering it.

She placed the water on her nightstand and went back to adjusting her foot. I watched her; too freaked out to really say anything.

I sighed deeply stopping her from doing anything further.

"Don't be mad with me."

"How can I not be?"

I massaged her ankle slightly, rubbing the part that wasn't wrapped, moving to the front where the main injured area was. She hand her hands over what I was doing.

"Louis, leave. You don't have to be here."

She's right. I'm not supposed to be here. But I am.

"You shouldn't be mad at me."

"News flash not everyone loves you."

I bit the inside of my cheek. I'm not even sure if I was still awake anymore.

"Do you mean that?"

"What?" She chirped; her eyes narrowed.

"Never mind." I shook my head. Maybe it was time to go. I closed my eyes, this is too crazy.

I felt my hand grabbed. "Louis, look at me."

I forced myself to turn my head; this was the last time I could look in her eyes.

Her hand came to my cheek, lightly touching me until her fingers sunk into my hair. She gripped on it, bringing my face closer, I found it hard to resist. Her lips brushed mine and fuck it, I can't ignore it anymore.

"Sleep with me." Her voice came out from the heavens.

"Absolutely."

I took off my shoes and clothes, climbing into the covers finally as I brought her against my chest. She lay there for several minutes of pure silence.

"Caroline, my name is Caroline." She whispered.


	17. Chapter 17

** **

**Charlie**

Birds were chirping all around me, my eyes found their life as they opened to the new day. A moan softly escaped my lips as I moved around before fluttering them open.

What's going on? My head, my foot, everything felt completely numb. Sunlight peeked through the partially open blinds alerting me awake as I yawned, stretching in the covers.

Bits of last night came flying back to me but most of the focus was put on lifting my head up, looking at the surroundings. I blinked before things became clear.

"Morning."

Louis. He stayed. He didn't leave.

I looked around the room and saw him sitting on the desk chair, his hands were folded and his face looked unreadable.

"Morning." I sat up straight, rubbing my head and eyes slowly trying to fully wake up.

He was staring at me with that beautiful face, his lips curving up.

"How did you sleep?" He asked me, clearing his throat.

I'm still trying to figure that out. "Alright I guess. What time is it?"

He glanced behind me; I followed his eyes and looked at the clock with him. "We slept 9 hours!"

Louis loudly laughed. I gave him a crossed stare but still blushed a bit. It didn't seem like that long actually. I haven't had a good night's sleep in a long time. All because of Louis? Wow, maybe I really did like him more than I thought. But of course, as luck would have it, he wouldn't feel the same. We barely know each other, I'm sure he's thinking about Hannah right now. Troy is such a ball buster. But I still like that guy. He spoke the truth and I respected that.

"Mad huh? The morning and the start of the day just flew by. We were literally up the entire night. But I liked it. Honestly, I haven't slept like that in a long time." He admitted, more surprised he was saying it.

He and I shared a look. We have a lot of those. I don't know what they mean. I broke the trance, moving the covers off my body. I felt his eyes on me but brushed it off as I got up. I went to get my PJ pants from the top drawer and slipped them on.

"You're quiet."

I looked at him as he stood up from the chair.

I grabbed for my hair tie pulling together the crow's nest I knew was living on my head. I'm sure it looked like I stuck my finger inside a socket. Wait, since when did I care about vanity? My vanity? Was never a problem before. I sighed, shrugging.

"Not much to say I guess."

I found it hard to talk to him with a sober mind. It was a little easier when I loosened up. The real me is awkward, stiff, disdainful and closed off. As if he didn't know.

"You said a lot last night." I could almost hear him smirking. When I turned around my beliefs were true.

I busied myself with cleaning up the clothes around my room. I didn't want to talk about last night. I remembered most of it, other parts were hazy but I seem to remember what Troy said very clearly right before I kissed Louis. Jesus, that kiss. I don't know what got into me. It was like I was possessed or something. Even if Louis still had feelings for Hannah I took a chance.

Now I am hoping we just move on from it. I don't hate Louis, but I don't really like Louis right now. But he did stay over. He didn't leave like someone in his elk would. I didn't think celebrities cared about anyone but the overrated attention and making money.

"Did I?" I replied sarcastically. I could feel the bitterness swirl around my mind but this time I didn't want to show it. My defense mechanism was held at bay, for now.

Louis was just looking at me. Waiting for me to move or do something. I didn't get it. Didn't he have better things to do than hang around a graveyard complex?

"Yeah, it was great. You were talking and I was seeing the real you. Or I don't know, getting to know you. It was nice."

Something about how he said "nice" got to me. Even though I didn't hear any pretense in the words, my suspicions still remained nevertheless.

I smiled but did my best to hide it. I can't let him know he has an effect on me. My life was so much easier before. I only wish I could go back to that.

I sat on the edge of my bed and he moved closer.

"May I?" He pointed to the bed.

I nodded carefully, trying to keep my emotions away. That was hard to do when Louis was merely 2 inches from me. God he smelled so good.

"Are you alright?"

I swallowed slowly, choosing my words. "Yes, I am."

"Then look at me."

I didn't move. My hands were shaking in my lap and I got more nervous by the seconds. This isn't fair. I don't normally lose control of my sanity, unless there's alcohol involved. Which explains last night.

Why did Louis have to be nice and not be an asshole? He knew me. I couldn't look. I won't look.

I felt my chin being turned but shut my eyes. "Open them up love."

I shook my head, my lips parted and I could feel the shakes consuming what's left of my strength. This wasn't right. He wasn't supposed to be this real.

His mouth was near my ear, his warm breath making goose bumps appear. Shit. Felt trapped. I couldn't move to stop him. What was wrong with me?

Licking my lips I felt his mouth move closer when he took off his hand from my chin. He placed his lips under my ear, kissing a spot so softly it felt like a dream.

"Louis…" I moaned his name. God help me all this seducing was confusing my logical thinking. I moved my hands to the back of his head bringing his face near mine; my eyes were suddenly wide open.

I was alert; everything inside me was completely alive. Found myself lost in the misty bliss of this passion never wanting to leave.

"I didn't know…I thought last night was enough." I breathed, his face came in front of me.

"Never." He pushed his lips onto mine, locking his emotions over me as we fell back on the bed with me on top.

I kissed him back with the same energy he thrust on me. Stealing parts of him I never thought I'd find in any man. I knew I was in trouble. I could feel my panties getting soaked at this point. Squirming in place, my hips were almost riding him through the thin material of my clothes.

Louis brought his hands firmly around my head, brushing my hair with his fingers, lips still connected as he reached in my hair to take off my ponytail, letting my hair fall over his face, touching his cheeks. I collected all of the wild parts moving it to the side and brushed his cheek with the back of my hand. I opened my mouth, allowing him to taste me finally. I couldn't get enough. He moaned deeply in my mouth and pulled away, I went in again but he made a weird gesture.

"Sorry."

"What?" I was genuinely confused.

He sat up and moved away from me, not once looking back. He turned to face the wall, looking at it strangely. My heart was aching. What did I do? Oh god, it was me, I know it. I just turn people off. Gotten so used to acting this way, it's finally caught up to me.

"Sorry, I think I have to go." I felt the bed shift as he moved to stand up, moving further away from me.

I brought my fingers up to touch swollen my lips in a daze. A second he was in the moment and now this vague behavior happens. Suddenly, I realized something, only one thing came to mind.

Hannah. He must be thinking of her. Of course he wouldn't want me. Who would? I have nothing to offer him.

"OK, go ahead." Why waist time crying over this? Just leave already. Stop playing with my head. Stop playing with my heart. It's been hurt enough.

His sympathetic eyes felt remorse. "I—" He paused, his hand rubbed his neck as a red flush came to his cheek. "It's not you. Trust me."

"I don't know if I want to hear it. You can go."

He moved forward but I flinched back. What's he doing now?

"Just a little too much reality for me I suppose." He said with a sad smile.

Huh? "What?"

He blushed, looking down then back up at me, moving a bit more closer. He managed to get so close to me and never once took his eyes off of me.

He stared at me intently as if he was recalling something. I just didn't know what.

"You remind me of someone and honestly it's freaking me out because you're not her. You're you."

I was amused now, moving my face to get a better look in his eyes. I wanted to see something unique, something I remembered from backstage at the auditions. Then I thought of what Troy said. I pulled back, blinking as I realized something.

It was Hannah. I reminded him of his ex girlfriend. Shit. Now I have that hanging over me.

"I am me. And you are…Louis." I rolled my eyes at how lame that sounded actually saying it that way.

He took my hand; it was a light touch that made me look down on his fingers touching the hand in my lap.

"Maybe it's best I probably should go. Will you be alright?"

I shrugged calmly. In some ways it was nice having him here. The company wasn't really boring and he's not so bad when he's not being told what to say or do. It almost feels like he's not really here, like I'm still asleep. I only hope I don't wake up, not now. But I want this to be real. To have it all be a dream would devastate me.

"Yeah." I nodded. I can take it from here without him, even though it was a nice change to have him around.

I looked at him more directly as if to confirm it.

"I should be."

He leaned forward, close to my ear; his other hand was on the mattress for support. "Let me know if you need anything alright love?"

I gave an affirming noise and he kissed my cheek softly, pulling away to stare at me again. It's weird, I feel like every time he stared me I am transported back to those first moments we met. He brings my cravenness out and I didn't like it.

He moved forward toward my face suddenly. Oh shit.

"Caroline?"

Wow, did I really tell him real name last night? I haven't been called by that name in a long time. I felt young all of a sudden. Like a dreamer with hope wearing on my sleeve.

"Yeah?" I meekly replied.

"If you want me to, I mean if you, I can come next week, is that OK?"

I instantly was terrified of what that could mean. I moved away slightly since he was moving a lot closer now, inch by inch. I could feel his breath covering my face.

"U-up to you." I gave the best answer I could.

Saying yes would make it easy for him. I'm still not sure of his intentions yet. I didn't want to be played even if it's Louis. Millions of girls would only dream of this opportunity. I laughed at how weird all of this was so I hid my face, still smiling but my hand covered it up. I think he saw it still. He saw me smile. No, fuck me. I caught myself when he gave me a funny off look.

"What?"

He shook his head, obviously something amused him. "Nothing, just when you smile, it's interesting."

I waited for more, I didn't get it. My brows twisted in a question mark. He grinned, biting his lip as he glanced at me with a relaxed expression.

"When you smile it changes your face."

"Like in a weird way?" I winced.

He laughed softly. I was a bit turned on by the husky sound. Couldn't help myself.

He held my gaze, licking his lips. "No, it's a good thing."

I breathed in shaky and felt petrified. I thought he was leaving. Now he's acting like he wants to stay.

I faked a smile, hoping it would pass. But before I could say anything he spoke.

"Don't do that. Your real one looks better." He smiled; the crinkles reached the corner of his eyes. He really has a perfect smile. Listen to me, I sound obsessed like one of his fans. Ugh.

I licked my lips, looking down on the floor.

He took my chin with his hand bringing me up to meet his level. "We OK?"

I nodded slowly, my speech was frozen. I felt that girl coming back. Oh no. Caroline from that day, the name I used, the supposed "real me" wants to come out and play. She's a part of me I left lying where solace in faith still existed. I thought I threw her away years ago. I can't be vulnerable. I don't trust easily remember? It's sad I have to remind myself to be aware. Louis won't hurt me though, will he?

When I looked in his eyes I felt calm, I knew the answer.

'Yeah, we are." I looked behind him at the clock on the cable box. "It's almost 4 now."

He glanced at what I was looking at then gave me a knowing smile. Did he just pout? What the fuck?

He stood up and took my hand to walk with him. I was surprised I didn't protest. I think he was just helping me stand up. He held my hand as we walked over to the door in silence.

Shame he couldn't stay, though I can't simply ask for that. I waited for him to make a move. He turned to the side, looking at me until I looked back before he touched the handle.

"What's wrong?"

Louis scratched his hair; I could tell he could use a shower and a shave. Why am I keeping him here?

He looked at my wrapped foot. I just noticed that it was a thin fabric now covering me which felt better than two bound together. It was less tight. He might have changed it some time last night.

"If you're bruising at all make sure you place a hot and cold compress over it. Leave the wrap over it because your skin can be sensitive to the temperatures."

I didn't know where he was going with this or why he wasn't just walking out like a normal person would. Maybe I had him pegged way off. He's far from normal.

He was waiting for me to say something. I thought quickly using very little words as possible.

"Thank you, I'll do that."

He pressed his mouth together in a thin smile. "Mum is a nurse. That's what she told me when it happened."

I'm so confused now. I wanted him to leave but I wanted to pull him inside until I was completely healed. Having him here was a lot more helpful than doing things alone.

"Thank you Louis." I smiled, feeling my face respond to his nice gesture.

"And…if you feel pain then take your prescription. Not just because I said so, but the doctor said it was mandatory."

I am feeling overwhelmed by all of this from a guy I never thought I'd run into again, not even in another lifetime. I felt a blush crept up, I was embarrassed. Seeing Louis Tomlinson this way was making me feel uncomfortable, making me hide my face more than I normally do. What happened to my spunk? Why am I so serene all of a sudden? Shit if I know, I'm so fucking tired I rubbed my eyes looking around the room.

"Take care of it OK?" My eyes whipped over to him.

I nodded, maybe my body language will be picked up on eventually and he'll get the message.

"I will."

Louis gave a professionally rehearsed smile, hesitating before grabbing at the handle, beginning to turn it. It felt like everything was in slow motion. I looked at his hand, body, my eyes scaling up to his head, staring at the back of it as he pulled the door a crack.

I rushed over and closed the door with a force, making him face me. I pushed my lips onto his feeling for something. This kiss was a lot of more intense than the others. I let him feel the urgency the more I poured of me. I really had a problem here. All I could think about was being with him, in that moment, being his, even if it was for today. I pressed my body, more like chained myself so he was trapped against me. I wanted to feel how turned on he was. Fuck yes. I got my wish. That second he grinded his hips into mine, I knew then, my body reacted by eliciting a moan from deep inside my desires.

I was the first to pull away, breathing heavily. He was also but he made a move to kiss me again, touching my cheek so gently, taking his time in exploring what pleases me. He should know the answer now.

I rested my forehead against his, he kissed me again. I loved his lips; I wanted to keep them on lonely nights every day of my life. I wanted to store his kisses when I feel like my feelings aren't worth anything. The way he's making me feel right now, all I want to do is feel with him.

I nodded my head when I saw the look in his eyes. He wanted this too. I couldn't do this to him. But…I know its unfair. He still loves her. It isn't right. Jesus what the fuck is wrong with me?

I let him go and moved out of his path when he tried again to kiss me. What have I started? He really needs to leave. I don't know how much of this I can control. How much I so badly didn't care if he still loved Hannah. Throwing all caution to the wind to spill out everything I am feeling right now, could I risk it? Knowing his heart is still attached to her?

Jesus, I firmly pulled away, can't believe I'm doing this.

"Leave, please…" I felt tears beginning to sting my eyes and I knew I had to turn around so he wouldn't see me so weak.

It was all because of him. Damn Troy for saying the truth. This is what I get, can I handle it? Do I have a choice? Volcanic emotions were about to implode everywhere.

"Caroline I—"

"Leave Louis. I'll be fine." I marched to the kitchen, searching for my lighter and pack of cigs.

I had one left; I placed it with shaky hands in my mouth and lit it up. I haven't smoked in days; it was like saying hello to my only friend; the self-destructive kind.

"I'm coming back next week. Promise you Caroline." I closed my eyes, puffed another drag as my tears dropped rapidly down my cheeks and onto the counter.

I heard the front door being opened, a small shut indicated his leave and then I fell to the ground, terribly frustrated with myself. I wanted to go to the door and call out to him but I was too fucked up to see anything logical.

How could I play games with him? How could Louis not tell me he still loves Hannah? How could either of us get so fucking far into this we can't say this?

My back hit the cabinets when I went to sit up. My heart was squeezing, I felt like I might suffocate. I wanted more. So much more than I gave him. But it isn't right. I am not the one he wants. I took a long dangerous drag, letting the smoke inhibit my better thoughts. I wish I could put away these feelings like I've done before. I'd gotten so good at not caring, it can't be the truth.

He's opening my heart and I blame myself for falling deeper than he cared for me.

Whoa, like no, what in the actual fuck is happening to me? I don't feel this way. I don't know how to feel this way. How can this be real? How can I kiss him and not feel repulsion?

I forced my body up, tears hanging off the edge of my face as I charged to the closet, looking for something. An old wicker box I had since I moved in here. Gotta be here somewhere. It was a keepsake and inside it held all my secrets. Ones Louis Tomlinson wouldn't want to know.

I took up the box, opening it up. I pulled out the Polaroid of Louis and I three years ago. In the picture I had a real smile on my face; he had his arm around my waist. I remember in that moment how it felt when he touched me so innocently. We barely spoke, I only just met him, but I felt it. Something, the picture was a warm reminder of that day. I kept it all this time.

Louis was so beautiful and we were both happy in this moment. We looked happy together. But this picture isn't life. It's a moment frozen in time. A pretty moment that can't come back, I stared at the picture as more tears fall from my eyes and I realized how stupid I was to dream so big. I wanted a life, wanting a man that was never mine.

I need to get my head out of the clouds and be an adult. Listen to my mom, she was right. Can't believe I'm saying this.

Louis Tomlinson will never feel the same way I feel about him. I can't have everything. Even though some part of me still wanted to. Still grasped the notion of true happiness.

I grabbed my guitar up with my strong hand, sitting down on the couch just looking at this rusty acoustic. Crazy ideas were buzzing around in my mind. The truth was hitting me harder than I can keep up. My heart broke, my life changed, it finally happened.

I was inspired again.


	18. Chapter 18

** **

**Louis**

The definition of laying low was the understatement of the year for what I had in mind. I was tired of it. Tired of management, yes, those insufferable bastards still breathe oxygen and there's nothing we can do about it. Making me, practically lighting my ass on fire if I don't tweet about our past tour sponsors or they were gonna permanently lock my verified twitter. Big fucking deal. I did it, the pussy I am.

A lot of other things were crowding my mind besides doing what I'm contractually allowed to do. I've gone in a ritual of cover lately.

When I came home from Caroline's flat that day I fell into a state of being a hermit. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't think anyone would really listen to me anyway. I avoided Charlotte because I didn't want to bother her with all this shit. It sucks; I know she's probably pissed at me for ignoring her when we said we wouldn't do that again. But I just didn't give a shit anymore. I was feeling jaded about everything. It had nothing to do with her. I was distracted by something. By someone. The other reason I can't sleep at night.

Caroline was to blame. That girl. The way she was around me, I can't even wrap my head around what she's making me feel. I mean, yeah, we met on X-Factor only a few years ago, barely said a sentence, posed for a picture and after that I never saw her again. Then I run into her again, on sheer accident too. Her having the same problem I had was just too weird. I felt connected to her and I hardly knew her.

I actually don't know her at all. It was all confusing really. She made me angry for feeling this way, I couldn't stand the things she said that night or the ways she'd tease me. One thing was for sure, I liked those kisses. I felt something in those moments that I thought were never found in me again. She cut deep into my heart and I despised it. In fact, I flat out hated it. Nobody knows the real me. Charlotte does though. I was completely vulnerable and open about myself to her. I liked that she had feelings for me. She said she'd met me, but she never told me where or when. I don't know the simple details. I'll find them out when I'm over my inner shit and tell her the truth.

But that's the thing…

I don't know how long I can keep up being Troy when I just want to tell her the truth already. It's not like she has secrets too. It's just me here; she may get mad at me for not telling her as soon as I found out how she feels. Damn it. Why is this so hard all of a sudden? Why are both of these girls in my head like its Secondary School drama? She makes me feel like those weird teenage years. I know I said she, I guess I am referring to both now. For one, there were pros and cons.

Caroline, she complicated everything. I knew her and she definitely knew me. Nothing can change that. How can I like two girls at the same time? Two very different girls, well in some ways they are actually quite similar. Both girls have amazing personalities and wit, I love their sense of humor, though Caroline seems a bit more serious, like me. Charlotte can be serious yet unassuming too. Ugh…this is annoying, I can't fall for both.

But I haven't met Charlotte yet. Only Caroline. Makes sense to consider the one you already know and have met. But Charlotte, she knows all my secrets. She does, except that it's me pretending to be my "best mate."

As Troy, because she asked about me, I told her how scared I really was when I almost left the show. I thought in that moment I was complete failure. I hated to fail especially when I work so hard at something. Caroline knows this too, I saw it reflected back when she stared at me back at the auditions. She knows that guy and she spent the night with that same guy.

This is what scared me. It's good to keep people at a distance, I feel like Charlotte should be the better girl. Caroline, I don't know. I've never had this issue ever. There have been girls I've liked but never two at the same time. Genuinely speaking. Caroline could be trouble.

I said I'd come by but now I'm not so sure about that. I promised to but I doubt she'll hold me to that. She kept telling me to leave that day. But at the same time she kept being intimate and those kisses, I don't know, I am so confused with what that girl wants. I am more confused because I don't know who I want.

Ugh, this is fucked up. I can't keep reaching for a drink whenever I feel this way.

So I rang up one of my mates. It was already past midnight and I knew I wasn't going to get any sleep. I just wanted to talk; now I do. But I needed someone to bounce my questions off to.

I looked at my contact list and thought of some people. Lot of these were tour mates, people Harry and the lads went to dinner with, the "stay in touches" as I refer to them, some immediate family members. I don't know about that. My mum is dealing with her own shit and besides she'd be at work now back home, it's a no brainer. My sisters don't wanna hear about this during their prepubescent years. I was completely alone.

I suppose I could ring the guys, or the crew. I might end up talking about the sass account and I really can't trust anyone, I hope Harry wasn't too mad at me for blowing him off that night. Caroline needed me. Charlotte needed me. I needed them. God, how is this possible? I don't understand it one bit. How can my heart be open for two girls?

I wondered about Charlotte though, she's the one I haven't met yet. I want to know how she looks like, how does her smile look, how does she really talk? Is it slow like Harry and Zayn or fast like me and Niall? Or is it in between? I really wanted to know. How does she dress? Is it casual or glamorous? Does she wear makeup or go natural? Does she care about her looks at all? I hated not knowing who she really was; all I know are her words. Her personality, what annoys her, not just with me, I know what she's afraid of. She told me she'd wake up sometimes covered in cold sweat because she was working late and had problems sleeping. She told me how scared she was living alone sometimes. One time she had a nightmare and couldn't sleep all night. At work they didn't notice and that bothered her. She told me how she puts on a front to people but really she cares more than they know. But I understood being ignored.

I have my moments of sheer panic that the next moment I am not even sure what's real and what's an illusion. This life, even if I'm on a break it still feels fake. With Caroline, I don't know, it felt almost too real. The way she talks in that cynical yet fearful way dug into me. Her pupils would dilate when she was scared, she wanted me to leave but I could tell she didn't mean it. When she had her back turned I knew it was time to just leave and be away from all this realness. Too fucking real.

I phoned up Harry sitting on my couch; I had some things I wanted to say.

"Hey man, what's up?" He said gruffly.

I cleared my throat well didn't sound like he was too mad at me. I really needed someone to chat to.

"I'm good, yeah. Listen, about last week, or that night. I didn't mean to shut you out. Or the other guys."

Harry was quiet for a few seconds before he spoke, "I see, well have you got it out of your system then?"

Not entirely but I didn't want him to worry so I said, "Yeah, pretty much. I dunno man, it's this life. Being back to just dealing with me and living all over again. I feel like I was safer with you and the lads on stage, working my bum off then this. I forgot how to enjoy myself."

"I got ya. Talk to the other lads yet about your sassy account? I haven't told anyone for the record."

"Thanks and nobody knows but us. Management is up my ass in this bull shit promo crap. They won't allow me to be authentic, it's official, I need Troy, maybe you should make one if you feel this way too."

Harry chuckled. I missed hearing it. Talking to my best friend has this effect on me like no other.

"No I'm good. I tweet fucked up shit anyway, the fans have nicknamed me "instadork" thought it was clever. If I had a sass account I'd probably call it that."

"Yeah you live on that shit Harold. It's like everything you tweet is so fascinating. Especially that line you drew on that paper. Fucking surreal man."

"Piss off; I still got more followers than anyone. Wow that sounded so asshole of me."

I laughed deeply. "They won't be there forever Harry. This whole celebrity thing, it won't last forever. Soon we're going to be irrelevant and then what are we going to do with our lives?"

"Make music." He said simply. I wasn't too sure. How does he know the fate of the group after the candle burns out? "I mean I know I would, you would too right?"

That's the ultimate question right? What would I do if all this notoriety died down and people vaguely if anything, remember us? I almost got lost in that that until I heard a cough in the receiver. Way to be subtle Harry.

"You know, I may change my mind but right now, I need to learn how to just enjoy life again. I think I need to just be around some real faces. We see too many of those rubbish ones in our time. I mean people we only meet because we're these big names. We see them every day. You know what I mean dude?"

"I-I think so…" Harry paused. I worried he was just saying this to make me feel better. "I'm so young though. I love this privileged life too much to think of the end but I get what you mean."

"Thanks for that." I said seriously. I meant it too. I'm glad he was the only one who could understand me. The other guys had their moments at a given time but Harry; he was like my other half.

"So yeah, hey Louis, can you stop by a guitar shop near you?"

Knowing Harry he was probably out and about to dinner with some new starlet or old one, Harry doesn't discriminate. "What do you need man?"

Harry told me what was up and I wrote it down to make sure. We said our goodbyes and hung up the phone.

I stared at phone, debating what the fuck I should do about Twitter now. I decided to tweet from the verified just to make sure the world doesn't think I'm dead completely. Soon they're not going to care, I was serious about that, then what? Who's going to want me then? When I am a nobody, tired, drained and lost most of my talent because management drove me crazy all those years commodity? Who's going to love that guy?

Charlotte is.

I grabbed my phone up, logging into my verified, making sure to tweet something about someone indirectly.

Let's see how this goes.

_@Louis_Tomlinson I think about you more you know, I know you're out there listening to me, when the truth comes out, please understand xx_

In about a minute 10,000 retweets and 9,000 favorites emerged underneath. My first response was a directioner, big surprise. She was sweet though, not vulgar. I preferred these.

_@BooBearGrl4Life that's really sweet Louis, I hope you find your happiness ! <3_

I spent the next 5 minutes looking in my mentions. Charlotte wasn't online. Of course she wouldn't be. It's not like she watches me like everyone else on here. I so wanted her to right now, in this moment. This was so important to me I needed her here. I wanted to know if she read it. Even if she doesn't know I'm Troy and that I feel exactly as she does about me, I wanted her comment on this more than anything. I tried to keep my emotions intact as I stood up from being lazy all day. I grabbed the notes I wrote down for Harry and decided to get some fresh air. I can't be curled up here all week.

I took my keys and drove to the only guitar place I know who has what Harry's looking for. I pulled into the parking lot and killed the engine when I found a spot near the door.

I got out and walked inside the store, breathing out. I didn't realize I was holding in my breath until the air conditioner hit my face. I moved some hair that fell in my eyes and began scanning the store for the item Harry wanted. He had forgiven me so easily, that's kind of suspicious but then again, Harry avoids emotional confrontations a lot because honestly, he's the more emotional one in the group. Ugh, back to the task.

I searched for what I was looking and finally found it. I was about to pay for it when I heard soft singing behind me, listening closely. Strange, I went to go investigate where it was coming from. The radio? No…weird, it stopped. There it is again, soft breathy singing coming from the acoustic section. I forgot this store has some pretty sick classic guitars, some collectables. I crept around the corner and did a sharp intake of breath.

Caroline. She sat on the folding chair, eyes closed with a brand new shinny acoustic in her lap, ear phones on. She was mouthing some words and looked to be hypnotized or something. I couldn't see her eyes but her body was completely still. Her face held a concentrated look. Her brows were pushed together but the rest of her face was fully in the moment. I was gawking I know, I couldn't help myself. She looked so sexy with this determined, intense demeanor.

I hid myself around the corner, eyes still glued on her. Her loose hair fell passed her shoulders and she seemed as if she had slept a lot since last week. Good, I'm happy she took take of herself.

Should I go say hi? It's rude to stare. Shit. I probably should leave. But then, seeing her here, I missed her a little. Ok I missed her a lot, a ton.

"Finding everything you want?" I heard behind me and my hand moved, a bunch of maracas fell crashing to the ground. I winced in embarrassment, picking them up but the store clerk said it was fine.

I thanked her and answered her previous question, holy shit, even though my skin was tanned you could still see the blush all over my face. I turned around only to be met by an amused Caroline, her head phones off, her eyes staring me down. Oh shit.

"Um, hello." I said awkwardly.

"It's a bit early in LA to be drinking. Unless of course you're on London time." She winked.

I smiled sheepishly, but stopped right away when I made my way over to her. Was I actually doing this? Yeah it looks like it, before I could stop myself too.

"I'm not knackered if this is what you're inferring." I rebuffed.

She pursed her lips; her eyes stared down and then locked on me. "It's good to see you again."

I grinned, another blush coming in. Shit I can't control them now. "You too. How are you?"

I glanced at her foot and noticed she was wearing shiny flats, the wrap wasn't there anymore.

She shrugged briskly; it seemed she had more energy than the last time I saw her. "I heal fast."

She went back to strumming some rifts on the guitar, looking at her strings while she did the fingering and adjusting the pressure of the string.

"So what are you doing here, Louis?" She asked without looking at me.

I found it weird how alert she was. Last week she appeared everywhere, she seemed like a ball of confusion and now I'm the confused one.

I realized I hadn't answered and cleared my throat. "Erm, something for a friend. Just doing a favor for him."

"Well isn't that nice of you?"

"I am a nice guy."

She laughed and said something under her breath, sounded like "I bet" or something.

I pulled up a free chair next to her, watching her strum a few more cords, she was about to set the ear phones on when she looked at me.

"What?"

I did a double take. "Am I bothering you?"

She shrugged removing the ear phones, smiling kind of sadly. "I'm wasting my time with this crap aren't I?"

She strummed a few nice licks and stopped harshly. "Ugh, I need to stop doing this." She got up suddenly, taking off the guitar around her neck.

"What?" I stood up and moved toward her when she started putting everything away. "Stop doing what?"

She bent down still cleaning up all the stuff she took with her when she sat down, putting away the ear phones.

She was quiet for a few moments until she turned around, glaring at me slightly. "I need to stop living in a fantasy."

She grabbed up her bag and started to move past me but I took her arm before she could get far. "Why? Caroline, what's wrong?"

Caroline shook her head, her hair falling in her face so I couldn't see her eyes. "Whatever, you wouldn't get it."

"Now look who's the scared one? You're just going to run away from me?" I pulled her by her arm closer to me; I wanted to see her eyes.

"It's a stupid dream Louis. I need to let it go. It's over." She tugged harder, looking at me briefly.

I saw her eyes finally and she looked like she was hiding a secret. What the hell is going on now?

"What's over, love? Tell me?" I moved her closer, any closer and we'd be…

She brought my face to hers, gazing in my eyes, she was telling me something but I was having a hard time making it out. "You make me want to chase my dream. But I can't have it anymore."

I pulled back, loosening my grip on her arm. "What if you can? I can help you get there."

She placed her hands on my face, leaning close to my lips. I couldn't take it anymore and suddenly closed the gap, taking her in my arms as I closed the door of the sound proof music room. I missed her lips; the way she knew exactly what I crave drives me nuts. It didn't last long; she pulled away with a scared look.

"We can't have everything. I told you that." She backed away and I started to go after her but stopped.

"Shit, why won't she tell me anything?" I decided this was a lost cause.

I looked at the area she was sitting in and she left some instruments out of the boxes. I paused when I looked at the guitar she was playing.

"Oh hey, this is our last make of this model." I turned to the voice and it was the clerk from before. "Did you find everything you need?"

I smiled, getting an idea. "I found something better."


	19. Chapter 19

** **

**Charlie**

Who am I kidding anymore with this crazy dream? I can't do anything right. I truly can't. I can't have anyone either, especially Louis. He isn't mine, he never was. I can't keep dreaming so big I don't see anything that's realistic.

I got in my car, shutting the door so hard I knew I broke it but I didn't care. The tears were sliding and stung on their way down my face. I hated my life. I hated everything about my existence. I wanted to kill myself seriously the night after the audition. I was alone, broke and over when I took the underground back to the hotel that day. Things have not changed. I'm still that girl clinging onto something that'll never happen. Holding onto things that don't belong to me.

Clinging onto Louis like he was mine to have. If he knew I was talking to his friend, he would freak the fuck out. I despised hurting him. But I can't stop talking to Troy, even if he doesn't want to talk to me. I don't know what I did to make him pissed at me, oh yeah I'm a fuck up. I sobbed harshly against the steering wheel trying to get all of these waste of space emotions out in some way. I wish I had a gun now. I wish I was buried 6 ft deep in some unmarked grave away from civilization.

I didn't want to be found. I didn't deserve it. I just wanted to die. No self harm just fucking die. How can I show my face anywhere right now? I skipped work today to play with things that don't belong to me. No, it has to end. Who was I fooling? Louis seems to think he could help me. Yeah, that's right. Help me? I don't trust myself with anyone, its not going to work. I was done, finished. I had no life line. No safety net.

I banged the wheel hard and again and again until I lost count. I don't want to die. I don't want this to be it for me. I'm strangely sad now, sad that I just can't commit to ending things for myself but I don't want to be here anymore. Louis Tomlinson has everything. When I kissed him I felt like I had everything, and that was what scared me. That isn't my life. He was associating himself with me and it isn't the way this is supposed to be. Even though my feelings for him are gradually showing their face faster than I can deny it. I liked him, ok? He was perfect, too fucking perfect. He has no flaws and would be so great for someone who is stable, doesn't hate life and isn't suicidal when it comes to dreams. What dreams? Oh yeah, the ones I tried to have until they were ripped out of my hands by people who are better than me.

Not that I had a chance anyway. I can't be what people what me to be. I can't sell sex and be what they want. That's what it takes to be popular and I am tired of it. Sick of it. I am sick of air. My breathing is annoying. My heart is beating but it's not alive. I can't deserve this life. Louis would be better off without me.

I pulled my head up, wiping my tears sloppily and turned on the engine. I felt eyes on me and knew I had to hurry. Louis from the corner of my eye was running to my window, banging on it to open. This isn't real. People don't care about me. I was nothing, I still am. Louis can't fucking save me anymore. I need to let him go. I shook out of it as I backed out of the parking lot; his shocked face was distracting me from this determination I had inside me. I wanted to disappear. I shook my head as more tears slipped off my cheeks, pulling completely out of the lot, going through a random interstate, not even sure if I'm going home or not.

What home? Oh yeah, that place where people pretend like they belong somewhere. We don't. We all die. This will happen eventually and I don't want to wait anymore. I heard Louis' cries for me and it deterred my concentration. I didn't like it. He was in my head, telling me to stop, just like in the shop, he looked at me, like he first saw me all those years ago. Like he _cared_.

I pulled over onto a lone 2-lane interstate and tried to focus on what I'm about to do. End the suffering and end these voices in my head telling me what a big failure I'll always be. Nothing ever gets better no matter what I do in life. There's always going to be some asshole to crush your every hope and dream, saying how worthless and pitiful the fact that you're still breathing.

I kept driving until I wasn't paying any attention to where I was going. I think this was the right way. Someone beeped their horn behind me and I looked in the rear view mirror, a big black escalade riding my ass. I opened my window and waved him to pass, but then I realized that was a shit idea. He'd crash into me the second he'd cut me in the lane. Fuck…I pressed on the gas as hard as I could and put a three car distance between the monster car behind me, wiping my eyes at the same time. I couldn't see right now because of all the crying. It was making my brain weak and I forced myself to pull it the fuck together.

I recognized finally where I was going and just kept on that road. I knew it was the right one this time.

OK, Charlie, focus, fuck, go away!

Louis. Why the fuck? Who is he to say he will help me? Nobody can help me. It's over. This is my life: Wal-Mart, pissing people off and the occasional fuck at Gaslight. Not that I ever go to Gaslight but I imagine its one of those bars where men are eager to sleep with anything with a pulse which is any bar in Los Angeles. I'm good to go. Fuck, I shouldn't have skipped work today. Not that I care what Christina thinks of me, just, it's the only thing I am anymore. A clerk. I am not going to be anything more.

A buzzing noise caught my attention as I looked below me near the gears, it was my cell.

I got a Twitter notification when I rounded my street; I went to my parking spot, once there I killed the engine, immediately going back to my phone.

**Troy: I have something I need to tell you ok? Plus don't get angry**

OK, that fucking messes with my head. What's with the cryptic message? Several days and not a word, now this…I don't know what to do anymore.

If Troy breaks my heart I'll have no one. I don't even have me anymore. I will have absolutely nothing left. If he's anything like Louis which, I think he is, because Louis is wonderful, he's amazing. But he's not mine. If Troy hurts me then, oh god, I forgot to respond back.

**Charlotte: Please say it. Don't lie to me**

I waited in my car, biting my nails to the quick for his reply. This is it. He's finally going to reject me. Just make it happen fast, it's less painful.

**Troy: Meet me somewhere, ok? I know you're scared but I need to meet you. I am tired of hiding behind a screen. I have to see your face**

**Charlotte: Oh god, are you sure? What about a public place I feel safer that way**

**Troy: Fine, how about Gaslight? I'll be there later tonight, please be there baby, I am begging you, promise me?**

**Charlotte: I want you so much…but I want Louis too, I am sorry I can't do this…**

But I didn't send that, I immediately erased it and typed the real message.

**Charlotte: I'll be there, promise :)**

Was I really smiling though? I was intensely nervous. This was bigger than big, this was bigger than Harry Styles' penis big. I've seen it, no big deal; he may have a black person gene living inside him because Jews are hardly 2 inches when hard.

I was also really scared too. I just saw Louis and had this phenomenal breakdown. Am I in a condition to meet anyone, let alone Louis' best friend, the guy who knows all my secrets and I know has feelings for me too?

I want Troy.

But…

I wanted Louis too.

The real question is: who did I want more? Louis knows I am a loser. He knows what a failure I am and he takes pity on me and I despise that. But he has this tenderness in his eyes that I can't resist sometimes. He's thinks he is this cold, hard guy outside but he's really not. It's a cover, I feel it. His kisses make me dizzy, I had to restrain myself from taking him completely just now.

But Troy, I am such a hermit when it comes to people, he gets me. He knows Caroline, but I am Charlotte to him. Oh god if he finds out I lied to him, shit, fuck me. He'll never forgive me.

Another beep, I dared to look and melted at the message.

**Troy: Please know I care so much about you. Please remember this when you see me, you know the real me and nobody can do that**

Being Louis' friend had its lonely times for sure. It must suck being under the shadow of someone more famous than you. Troy probably didn't care that Louis was a star and this big shot. He's the real deal. I couldn't help but feel like I'm hurting him by not telling him my real name. A name is everything. I preach this shit often. Hell, Louis knows my real name but Troy earned it so many times before him.

I bit my lip, rubbing my eyes of the residual tear streaks left. I have to tell him now, if he doesn't meet me then, oh god, I don't want to even go there.

**Charlotte: You know me too. There are some things I have to tell you before we meet, one thing really**

**Troy: Hold on that thought babe ;)**

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

A thundering bang on the window of the passenger's side startled me. I turned my head and rolled down the window to see Louis' face appear through the crack.

* * *

**Louis**

I smiled into Caroline's window and she looked at me like she'd just seen a ghost. She probably thought she had, I was wearing white.

"What do you want?"

"Come out, I need to talk to you."

"Go away."

I felt a bit guilty talking to Caroline still only after I asked Charlotte out but I needed to say this. But Caroline was running away from everything too much and I'm getting sick of it.

"No."

"Louis, don't make me castrate you."

"You wouldn't dare, you want it inside you." I cocked my head to the side, smirking. She scoffed, I turned serious seeing this. "Caroline please, don't shut me out—"

She started to roll up the window but I opened the passenger door before she could lock it and pushed my body firmly inside.

"Ugh…you've got some nerve you fucking asshole-" I closed her mouth with mine, feeling her fight the kiss, but I knew she couldn't fight me for long.

She knows too well how good we are.

Touching her face gently, I became softer, more caring, "Shhh." I whispered against her lips, feeling her tongue hesitating to play with mine. "Let go, just let go…"

"No, I am sick of you. I hate you so much." Her voice was soft and not full of venom like those words were meant to project. She was beginning to relax against me as I caressed her face and grabbed her hair in bunches. "You're terrible. Horrible. I wish you were dead." The soft whispers from her lips were melting against mine and I really did think I was dead but now I was firmly in heaven with her.

"I know Carrie, I know." The nickname just fell from my lips as I went with it, kissing her until her body went weak and she was completely mine. Writhing and about to surrender. "I know how much you want me too. Just as bloody much as I want you. Here…feel…"

I placed her hand on my trousers, asking her silently to feel what she does to me. What she always did to me. What I want her to do to me. I looked at her and saw so much hurt in her eyes it scared me. I pulled her in my arms, my strong hug enveloping her tightly. I didn't want to let her go. I was afraid this was the end.

"Louis, I'm nothing. Don't do this."

"You're not nothing Carrie. You're something, you're beautiful, to me." I whispered into her ear as her eyes started getting teary.

She choked back a sob but buried her face in my neck before I could see anything. But I sure felt it, her wet eyes smothering over my skin, burning me. She whispered something inaudible I thought it sounded like "I'm not beautiful, I'm no one." I couldn't help but feel so damn protective over this girl. I think I'm falling so hard for her I can't think straight. I think its over for me. Charlotte really doesn't deserve me. She tells me all about her and I've been lying to her straight from the beginning. I'm such a loser. But Caroline still wanted me. Why? She should just hate me; it's so much easier than falling. Because I can't fall for her.

Caroline picked up her face, red and blotchy from crying hard. I wiped what I could with my thumbs. She kissed the inside of my hand, I almost cried right there. Can't fall, heart please don't do it. I don't deserve it. I've been lying to both of these girls and its best to not lead them on any longer.

Which is why I'm meeting Charlotte tonight, I can't keep the façade up anymore. I look at Caroline now and I can't look at her the same way anymore.

"I am trying so hard not to love you." Caroline said, making me shake. Here comes the water forming over my eyes, clouding over my vision. "You're so perfect Louis. I need to stop believing in things that won't happen."

My heart was racing now to the point where I think I might lose it. She can't love me. No, she needs someone who won't lie to her, someone that isn't me. Someone just like me, but not me.

"Me too." I croaked my voice scarce and petrified. "I am so far from perfect. I think, oh god, fuck it…can you come with me?" I blurted out.

"What," She sat up straight. "Where?"

"Anywhere, I don't care."

Carrie smiled slightly, leaning over and kissed me gently, lingering on for a long moment. She kissed me again, more fervent than the last, her kisses were growing intense by the second as my hands felt over her body, touching all the places I made warm. Smiling when I reached under her shirt, cupping her breasts through her bra; my hands then lifting her bra so I scan finally touch her naked skin. Her nipples grew hard under my touch. I reveled in this discovery. My fingers were between her legs and I knew how much she needed me. I can't have it be like this, I should stop. I breathed out, pulling away. Short ragged breaths were coming out of me faster than I could control.

"I'll go anywhere with you." Her small voice shook me completely alive. She pressed small kisses over my face and then came down to claim my lips and I couldn't hold back the need to bury myself inside her, making her mine. "Take me away from here."

She said this with so much pain and anguish I wanted at that moment to do her every bidding and wish. I wanted to be hers and she be mine. I had an idea suddenly…taking her hands I breathed in deep.

"Come to mine. I need to show you something. A surprise." Her face looked at mine, so scared and frail. I stroked her cheek with the back of my hand wiping the fast falling tears that tried to hide from me.

"Surprise?"

I affirmed, nodding, giving her another kiss, making all the others feel shame as I put all my passion, all my negative thoughts, all my concentration to make her feel like she matters. And she does, for me. I moved some hair that fell in her eyes, kissing spots underneath her eyes where she felt pain the most. I didn't want her to cry anymore. I couldn't lie to her anymore about anything.

No matter what, I have to tell her the truth. Because I'm in love with her.


	20. Chapter 20

** **

**Charlie**

Louis held my hand as I got inside his car and wondered what was going on with me. I was being weak for him, was that a good thing? I do have deep feelings for him, we're friends, I suppose. He's easy to talk to, but in the back of my mind I feel like the feelings run deeper than just friends, are they feelings of something more? If I have to question it isn't that my answer? I sighed looking over at his beautiful profile. I couldn't resist kissing his cheek, telling him how wonderful he is, telling him how much I wanted him because I did. I have no idea what he was feeling and I really wanted to know. One thing I know right now is that I wanted him near me.

But it wasn't just sexual. I wanted _him_. I wanted Louis William Tomlinson, I fell for the real him even though we barely talked. And I think he knows. How does he feel? He returns my kisses and the way he just touched me in my car proves how badly he wants me. But what about his heart? Who has that? Is it still Hannah? Or is there someone else? Does he love Eleanor like my worst nightmares predicted? He probably does. How could I think he'll feel the same?

I have a feeling the paparazzi were already following us around because twitter already had grainy pictures and unclear shots of Louis and I where we last were. Plus there were a few shots of us at another location thinking we were alone. I already feel violated. I didn't look too much at the pictures because then I would start to hate Louis and it wasn't his fault. One Direction is still hotter than anything right now and I should expect this comes with being with him, even being his friend. No wonder Troy tells me he rarely hangs out with Louis anymore.

I squeezed Louis' hand and he turned to me, smiling. I like that. I like this; I like what we have, whatever that is. When he looked at me just now, all that other stuff goes away. I don't let my paranoid thoughts take over what matters. He brought my hand to his lips and pressed them gently against my fingers. I blushed, looking down as we approached another intersection.

I hated conversations while driving, especially the stuff I wanted to bring up now. I had so many things to ask him if this was going to be my life. I guess I have to tell Louis about his friend too. Maybe meeting Troy tonight isn't the smartest thing. I could just tell Louis because he's the one I want. Troy…he and I bonded. Sure you could say over stupid, trivial things like Louis' personal life, terrible top40 songs and the fact that he can do an American accent that sounds like Louis' accent. That was a fun conversation, in fact, Troy and I bonded that night more than any time we talked. I knew I could talk to him about anything. But Louis…I felt things I couldn't describe. With Troy, he was just a friend. Louis has my heart, even though he doesn't know it.

"Tell me what you're thinking, love?" Louis said deeply.

I sucked in my lip, trying so hard not to withhold anything from him. I'll tell him everything when we get to his. For now, he shouldn't know too much, being on the road.

I am waiting on everything else, especially on Charlotte and Troy.

"I was just thinking about the surprise." I said curiously.

"What of it?"

"Hmm, trying to guess what it is. I have a feeling its either going to make me really happy or, well, the opposite."

Louis laughed, driving with one hand as he made a turn on another affluent street. My eyes followed him as he glanced to me briefly but so sweet. I wanted him to do it again.

"There is nothing to be afraid of."

"And I should just trust you?" I smirked, hint of flirt in my voice.

He grinned so wide his eyes were nearly closed. "You should always trust me. I'm good with making people feel safe and happy."

I think now we're having a blush fest because I couldn't stop. I didn't hide my face either. "I see that." Feel it too. I'm beginning to believe him.

"Haha, you think I'm going to embarrass you, do you?"

He looked at me sideways sarcastically but I shook my head, shrugging. I was a little nervous but I don't think he would do that to me.

"No," I stretched out the "o" in the word. "I don't think so. Just, usually when somebody says surprise, unless it's you're birthday, my mind wonders. But I don't think it's a bad one. It isn't, right?"

"No, you should have more faith in me. In us-I mean, like, when I say surprise it's always good. Bad news usually means exactly that."

"Good point." I relaxed now. What am I so afraid of? "This is why I'm not allowed around people. They usually don't like it."

And it was true; I never really had a best friend or someone I could talk to. Most people think I'm an asshole and I think they're assholes to judge me without talking to me. It's a vicious cycle. No one knows what this life is like until they become me for a day. And I don't want them too. I never thought of living my life exactly as I want it until I saw Louis. I didn't think you could have everything and be happy at the same time. What is having everything though?

I glanced at Louis as he drew circles with his thumb on top of my hand. Is this what it means?

Being in love and the other loving you back? Not struggling in a job you hate, doing something you really like and getting paid for it? Having someone encourage you because you just don't believe in yourself at all? Having someone be there when you need them? What is happiness? I guess it's anything we want it to be. I don't think it's supposed to hurt, I've had that.

I was falling for Louis Tomlinson and I couldn't stop myself. I felt him stroke my knee, taking my hand and lacing it with his.

"You're allowed to be around me. And if anyone does anything, I'll always protect you." Louis said softly as we stopped again at a street light.

His blue eyes focused on me so strongly, so seriously. I examined his words carefully now.

Something about what he said made me stop and think. My brain flashed suddenly.

_I woke up from an eerie nightmare in cold sweat, reaching out but all I grabbed was air. No, it wasn't real. Shit. It's happened again._

_I had a nightmare that I didn't remember anything. All this, even my pathetic existence was lost to me and I didn't want to live anymore. I was standing on the ledge of some building, wanting to jump off and stop everything from hurting so much._

_But somebody stopped me. He gave me his hand and I told him I couldn't hold on any longer because I was slipping. I told him to let me die. I'm already dead inside and it had to happen. I'm no one, I don't exist. The man told me he knew me and he loved me. He told me I have a reason to stay alive, because of him. I didn't recognize him at all. His face was blurry and I could barely hear his voice._

_I grabbed this man's hand again and I pulled so hard he came over and fell passed me, off of the building. I looked away and jumped awake, sitting up with shakes in my bed. This is where I am now._

_I grabbed my phone, thinking of who to call. There was no one. I had no one in my life to talk to. No one but—_

" _Troy…" I signed onto twitter, hoping he'd be on. I prayed he was. I needed him so much right now. "Come on, please help me."_

_I waited for things to load with shaky hands. I couldn't contact Louis because, well because he and I, there is no he and I. All I had was Troy. Least I think so. I'll probably kill myself if Troy doesn't answer me._

_Finally I got a chance to write something, god I hope I can reach him. Everything depends on his response now._

_**Charlotte: Please I need to talk to you….help me I need you right now!** _

_I let tears slip off my face as I wiped the sweat from my forehead. I grabbed a glass of water from the nightstand, chugging it down my throat as it stung me instead of cooling me off._

_Please Troy, save me._

_I got a vibration, yes!_

_**Troy: What's wrong love? Are you alright?** _

_I was so riled from the DM I couldn't type well. My fingers were shaking._

_**Charlotte: I had a nightmare it was fucking scary! I'm sorry about this. I have no one to talk to now…** _

_I felt my forehead again, just as I thought: cold and clammy. I hated feeling this way. I was feeling a little better but now my sleep is permanently disrupted._

_I smiled slightly through the despair when I saw a blue square._

_**Troy: What can I do angel? Tell me…?** _

_**Charlotte: I feel like these nightmares are going to kill me eventually. Do you ever have them?** _

_**Troy: I'm not known to have them but when I do, it's pretty bad. I wake up in sweat clutching the sheets wondering what's real** _

_**Charlotte: It was so real. I couldn't see his face. It was so scary, he fell instead of me! I don't even know who he was…** _

_**Troy: Well you're safe now. It wasn't real. I know its hard to see that now, when I get nightmares I try to think of other things that make me happy. Like you :)** _

_I smiled, biting back tears; I wish I could see his face right now. Give him a kiss and hug him tightly for everything._

_Louis' face came to my thoughts again. I can't feel so deeply about two guys like this. I don't even know Louis; we barely talked to each other. He doesn't get me the way Troy does._

_What was I thinking? Like at this moment he'd actually think of me like I was of him? That's a tall guess but my strong opinion on that is no. I'm sure he's forgotten about his good Samaritan offer almost immediately that night. I can't feel anything positive for someone who's so dismissive. He really doesn't know me at all._

_**Charlotte: I can't believe a guy like you is real. I feel like this a dream :)** _

_**Troy: I wish I was there with you. Holding you until you fall asleep** _

_**Charlotte: You are so much better than Louis, you're practically flawless. I wish you were here too** _

_**Troy: Mustn't say things like that love, Louis is not so bad and I'm a pretty good judge of the kind of person he is** _

_**Charlotte: I just want you here is all!** _

_**Troy: I am there, wither you can see me or not, I'll always protect you :)** _

_Even though I couldn't see him it felt so good to know that someone cares. Louis would never say those words to me. Why would he?_

I pulled from the flashback, immediately touching underneath my eyes as tears dripped off my face.

Troy, Louis? Louis, Troy? No…it's not possible. Seriously, its two different people. I never even met Troy but I have met Louis. This is crazy. I am blowing this way out of proportion. And if it was, would it be so bad? Would it change things between us? If Louis was pretending to be Troy then…? Oh shit, I don't have an answer to that.

I glanced over at Louis more focused on the road than anything and wiped the corners of my eyes, hiding all traces of sorrow. He'll ask questions. But then, I'm the one that should be asking questions.

Louis pulled up to a clean neighborhood with fancy condominiums on both sides of the street. He came to a stop, opening the garage gate and parked close to the door leading to the condos.

As he turned off the engine, he paused for a second before unbuckling his seat belt and looked at me. His face pulled in concern.

"What's wrong?" He asked, wiping my face with his thumb.

If Louis was really Troy then he knows my secrets. And in turn, I know all his. Why do I think any of this is possible? Two very different people we have here. Why the fuck am I questioning wither Louis would spend all those times, all those nights talking to me, a stranger, someone who thought of him from afar and never dreamed she'd see again? Someone who was horrible to him that night we met?

I laughed softly, turned ten shades of red and wiped my eyes avoiding the look he was giving me. I moved his hands away attempting to brush it off.

"Nothing."

"Liar."

"No."

"What's wrong baby? Talk to me?"

My mind was suddenly being flung back into confusion land and I was forced to go along for the ride.

Oh no, fuck.

_**Troy: Talk to me, tell me things. Come on love, its me! Talk to me :p** _

These flashes were fucking irritating me. It's just a coincidence. There is nothing to be suspicious about. Louis can be trusted. I haven't even met Troy. He's a nice guy but it seems like he's an online therapist. He's a friend. Louis, he's right in front of me. Charlie, you know what you have to do.

I looked at him through soft eyes, glossed over with lust. I couldn't control myself anymore as I grabbed Louis by the collar of his jacket and smashed my lips over his, silencing any concern I had that he was anyone but who I know he is. I wanted this Louis. I can't kiss someone who hides. Louis is not Troy, they are different.

I slid my tongue inside his mouth, trying to dance around to find his and when I did finally the senselessness disappeared instantly. I felt my rage inside me as I cupped his cock through his jeans, no fucking way, he was solid. Was it me? Wow, I didn't know I could turn anyone on like this. I rubbed him through his pants, hearing him groan more of a grunt against my mouth. I shivered down in my hips and couldn't control the shaking that following when he touched my skin, feeling me up under my shirt, kneading my breasts as I hissed my next breath.

Jesus fucking Christ. I wanna own this guy, I felt like destroying him in every possibly way. Make him feel exactly what I'm feeling.

I made a motion to unzip his pants but he took my hand and placed it around his neck and he slowed down the kisses to a more romantic pace, breathing in that new name he was calling me. I liked it. Never thought of myself as a "Carrie" before. When Louis said it, I melted at the name and I hate nicknames. It rolled off his tongue and turned me on more than I can say.

We pulled away after I felt him grab my hand like he meant it, holding me firmly against him. His breathe over my face alerted me that I had to stop. I didn't want to control myself but it's not time for this. He knows it too, that moment he looked at me, smiling before kissing me gently, using his other hand to brush my bottom lip with his thumb.

It was swollen, hot and fervently on fire. He stared at my lips then flicked his eyes up to me finding mine, following the daze he put there purely with his passion.

"I've got something to show you. Come inside with me." He whispered against my lips, kissing me softly that I felt electricity run through my body. He looked at me, holding my eyes in his. "Are you sure you're alright? I need to know. Just tell me, love?"

He hands cupped my cheeks and my hands come over them, removing them slowly. "Everything is fine. Don't worry about me Louis."

"I can't help it. I'm just concerned for you. I want you to know you can be honest with me about anything, yeah? If you have anything to say, something you want to tell me that I should know then say it. You can trust me."

I then realized something. I never really learned Louis' real name. His last name is Tomlinson but I knew was something else. He was born with another name so I kept hearing from the fans. Troy, Louis, was it his middle name? What was Louis' middle name? Was it William like I remember or something else? Oh gosh he's looking at me like that. If Louis really is Troy then he knows me better than I think he does.

Oh shit, what if it really is? No way of knowing for sure until I just ask him.

If Louis is Troy, how would that make me feel? It's possible. But the question is…will it change everything?

No, it wouldn't. It's fate. And I am completely falling in love with him. I just have to keep it to myself and I won't get hurt.

These feelings will go away right? Isn't this how it works? Its how a lot of things have worked for me. Because nothing good will really ever happens to me. Louis is just a really good friend.

I can't get inside his head to know what he feels for me. I'm pretty certain he feels sorry for me in many ways, maybe he's lonely and he needs someone near him. The thing is, I am exactly the same, but I don't want this to be the excuse because I genuinely want to know him.

"I do trust you. I promise there's nothing to tell." I smiled, letting it reach my eyes, the creases keeping the tears from releasing.

"Babe, tell me, is that true? Cuz, you know me, I want you to be honest with me."

I removed myself from his hands and stared forward. If this is fate…if Louis and I are meant to be together than if he knows the truth, he won't be upset with me. It's completely meant to be. But he doesn't know this. I looked at him through the corner of my eye. I find it hard to lie to him now. I can't lie to him. I am not even sure how he feels about me.

"I am being honest. Everything is fine." I chewed on my lip as I felt his eyes scan me. I knew he was staring me down and I felt naked. I couldn't take it, my flushed cheeked returned. "Louis, haha, I am telling the truth. There is nothing to worry about. Besides, I am more interested in the surprise than anything. So, what is it?"

He looked at me for at least 30 seconds though it felt longer. I couldn't tell if he was asleep or really looking through me. I smiled and blushed. He was taking this so serious; I just wanted him to lighten up now. He's being a little too wound up. I heard him laugh finally, bringing my hand to his lips and pressing gently onto my fingers.

When I stared at him more directly, he leaned against my forehead as if this was a game to him. There's the little boy I missed.

"Its going to make you smile, promise you." He said in a husky tone.

He gave me a final kiss, nuzzling my nose with his. He is such a child. Louis raised his brows suggestively and unlocked the doors.

I get to see his place, his home, where he lives; this scared me because nothing is more private or personal than being in someone's home.

When I opened the door, Louis was in front of me, offering his hand. I took it in mine, feeling less intense.


	21. Chapter 21

** **

**Louis**

I began walking up to my flat on the top floor with Carrie next to me. I made sure she didn't leave my sight. She probably felt scared of all this but I wanted her to feel comfortable about everything. I noticed her obvious hesitation a few times before I even put the key in the lock. She stopped walking up the stairs a few times before we got up; when I looked at her she looked terrified. I didn't like that at all, so I kissed her gently and told her there was nothing to worry about. I kissed her once more and she kissed me back, I could feel all the fear she couldn't hide anymore from me seeping through that kiss. It terrified me how much she's been through. I was talking to her with my eyes; she nodded slowly and immediately apologized. I told her again, it's not needed and placed my finger over her lips when she said it again.

But that first kiss before was something; it was like she heard me even though I didn't say anything. She felt it just like me. I do like how one simple sensuous gesture can change her expression almost right away. Reluctantly she followed me up. I laughed at all this wondering what the big deal was. She stayed silent as she walked up with me, picking up her pace.

Not that I don't get her uneasiness. She's never seen where I live before. It's understandable. I guess it's like inviting someone to know you even more. This is what you call home, these are where I keep my secrets when the world doesn't hear or see you talk on TV. Of course this isn't everyone's life, just famous people. I guess I happen to be one of them. I didn't think of it that way until now. Makes me a bit scared to allow anyone to get this far with me. I'm not the type of person to move so fast too. She and I are linked in that. But still…I wanted her here. In some way, I needed her here.

When I opened the door, I held her hand and brought her close to me. I gave her my best reassuring smile and she bit her lip looking around.

"Come on now, love. This isn't so bad really."

"You've already seen my place, Louis. Embarrassingly anyway." She mumbled and I rolled my eyes.

"Yours isn't that dodgy babe. Besides it's my treat. I brought you here to surprise you. Now come on, go ahead of me, ladies first." I gestured inside before stepping in.

Her mouth tensed and I felt her squeeze my hand. I squeezed back, letting her know I get it. I didn't want her to feel scared about any of this. I can't imagine how she'd feel about Charlotte, the other girl in my life. I'm praying Carrie doesn't find out that I lied to her this whole time. Talking to someone else online and sharing those secrets, deep ones with someone I've never even met. Maybe I should just tell Charlotte the truth anyway. I plan on doing all of this before Carrie finds out anything; before she even suspects me of being dishonest.

I should have been straight with Charlie all along. I didn't plan on running into Carrie again or even feeling this deeply about her in the short amount of time of knowing her. But now, the truth needs to come out. Charlotte knows me. Carrie will know me. I just have to make sure Carrie knows how I feel about her. It's bloody scary but I realize I have to tell her everything eventually.

She bit her lip, stepping ahead finally, but because I gave her bum a good push, she walked fully inside. I laughed to myself and she turned to me giving me a glare, narrowing her eyes.

"Not funny."

"I just think it's adorable. Look, I don't live a scary life. Things have died down since all the craziness of the tours. As far as I know there are no fans in any of the crawl spaces."

She looked at me sarcastically. "Oh good, great, glad I have something new to obsess over." She took off her jacket and I walked to take it from her. "I'm surprised you aren't rooming with any of the guys."

I put her jacket away and smirked, hanging it in the side closet. "Nope, it's just me. I just moved in here actually. So I apologize for some of the stuff I uh, left around." I said sheepishly, rubbing my neck.

She looked at me, I felt like she was scanning from head to toe. "It's ok Louis. I've seen lazier people than this."

I smirked, "Well, ok, tell me how you really feel?"

"Brutal honesty? So early in this relationship?"

Wow, I like the sound of that.

"If you must."

Her hands gestured around the flat wildly, this was a performance I can tell. I am much better at it than she is though.

"Haha, this place is a shithole…like East London." She grinned, her eyes squinting. I love her smile, I followed it as she turned her face but keeping her eyes on me from the side. She scoffed, covering her mouth.

"I'm kidding…but yeah, this place is the ultimate bachelor pad. By that I mean, the lack of…decorum."

"Uh, I'm a guy sweetheart."

She got close to my face; she had an amusing look, almost playful. "No excuse, is it?"

"It's a perfect one. Which means I can practically get away with everything."

She cupped my cheeks, bringing my face closer to hers. "Not everything."

I placed my hands over hers, looking tenderly in her hazel eyes that appeared glossy. She was completely weak for me, like I was for her.

"It's possible to have everything. Don't you think you deserve it?" I whispered, feeling the heat radiate off her breath putting me in a fog.

Carrie started to shake her head and laugh but I was serious. I wanted to know why she didn't think she could have it all.

She removed my hands off her hands, holding them loosely, avoiding my eyes. "I don't think it's that easy Lou…I mean, I don't know, it feels like nothing will ever change anymore. I accepted it."

"What if you could have what you dream of again? What if you had the opportunity to win?"

She bit her lip; I brought her face to mine, almost forcing her eyes on me. She couldn't lie to me when I can see her eyes.

"Winning is for someone else…not me."

I chuckled lightly. "So you try once and give up?"

Her brows twisted in confusion. "Why are we talking about this?" She breathed out.

Her exasperated tone was evident but I wasn't letting up. Not if she tried to run physically from me, not just from the issue.

"Because it matters. Giving up isn't always the answer."

She looked at me blankly. "I'm not discussing this anymore Louis. It's just the way life is."

She dropped my hands abruptly and then I realized she was heading for the closet. Shit. I went over to her instantly, blocking her pathway.

"I'm trying to see if you realize it's not over because you failed once. Don't leave, please stay. I can't have you mad at me."

"Louis please…I'm not mad, just, I can't talk about this right now. I can't go there. I can't relive all of it again."

I knew exactly what she was talking about.

"The audition?" I gulped, watching her swallow so slowly she made a noise. "I'm not trying to make you talk about it."

She laughed sharply, "That's exactly what you're doing."

Maybe she was right but I can't let her leave. "I'm sorry."

Her back was turned around on me. I'd give anything to see her face. Even if it's sad, I don't care. I don't want this to come between us. I know things are not going to be perfect, and we weren't perfect. But she's perfect for me. I can't let her slip away. She did this three years ago, she can't right now. She's too important, why can't she believe this?

She wiped the corner of her eye and I used this moment to turn her body to me with force, she let me shockingly. I wanted to see her; I wanted to make it better in some way. I didn't care how; she can't feel so sad about everything around me. Even if she doesn't want to talk to me, I have to make her see her value, her value to me.

"Louis don't."

"I'm asking you to stay. That's all."

I loosened my hold on her so she doesn't fear me. That's the last thing I want to happen.

I found it hard to let go of her hand. I used my free one to stroke down her shoulder, feeling a slight shiver followed by goose bumps waving across her skin, watching the hairs stand up straight. Her eyes expanded at the reaction her body gave at the simple touch. Seeing this affirmed everything. Her body can't lie, even if she can. I basked in this new revelation. She was afraid but she did care. It was a paradox. Her reactions made sense but her fear was preventing her from knowing this. I get it now.

Touching her made more sense. Should I? I raised my eyebrows to her, waiting for her to lock eyes, speaking to her almost telepathically. Baiting her only slightly. I want her to open up to me. In ways that maybe she never opened up to anyone in her life. I swallowed hard when she squeezed my hand, lacing her long fingers to mine. It was a start. I couldn't allow her to even think of leaving. Not when I've come this far to understand her.

I wasn't using sympathy as an excuse anymore. I didn't want to be the guy who runs in and out of her life like she thinks.

"How do you do that?" She queried in a small voice, nearly child-like.

"Do what, love?"

"Relax me? How…?"

I couldn't answer that, instead I leaned over, closer to her mouth. "I wasn't aware I was doing this. But I'm glad you are."

She breathed out deeply, closing her eyes when I pulled back to look at her. I felt like she was meditating. Feeling hypnotized by just observing her. I was watching her natural mannerisms. Suddenly I was aware of every little thing she was doing.

Oh man, I was bleeding sinking. Falling deeper, harder and faster than I could fathom, I almost fell over but she pushed my body weight upright. My eyes went wide at this, so did hers. I caught myself in realization…now I was the weak one; I haven't felt this light since I was 17. Jesus, I didn't prepare for this. No warning, nothing.

I swallowed roughly. My feelings were growing, before I could stop them.

"Are you alright?" Her voice was shaky, unbelieving.

I didn't have time to think so I said, "Y-yeah, um, yes I am." Now I was being so obvious it probably freaking her out. But she didn't let go. She didn't leave.

I asked her to stay and she…stayed. When my strength came back I was the one holding her to me, her body almost pressed against mine, the apparent heat permeating off our skin. I felt connected to her. I didn't want to lose this connection. I'll do anything now to keep it for me.

I think she heard me, I think she felt it more. She looked at me with a slight smile, her eyes glowing.

Carrie raised her eyebrows, glancing at my arms holding her. "I'm not going anywhere."

I loosened my arms slowly, gently. The way she said those words had relaxed me. I wanted her to say them again. I wanted her to never take back those words. No matter what happens, I can't let her think she doesn't belong, because she does, with me.

I smiled, more grinned knowing this, she brings out the better, more positive me. It's been a while sense anyone can awaken that part of me, by doing so little. But it was enough. Whatever she's doing, I don't want her to stop. No, she can't stop. Because I can't stop falling in love with her; and the more she pulls away, the harder I'm going to work at this. Because I know we can be together.

I let her go from me completely watching her pull her hair away. I stumbled to find something to say, anything…to get myself to stop staring.

"Erm, would you, uh, like something to drink?"

She nodded and I moved to the kitchen, I turned around to ask her what she'd like. She waved off saying anything I have. I wasn't sure if I had a variety to offer. It was mostly take out and beer in my fridge. Completely the life of a bachelor, go figure right? Carrie figured me out in 10 seconds. I opened the door, getting us two bottles of Corona and popped open the caps.

When I turned around she was leaning her elbows on the counter watching me. She looked at me like she was caught and I blushed. She smiled shyly, fiddling with the hem of her blouse. I saw the outline of her breasts, her nipples stuck out suddenly and I avoided looking directly at her chest. I placed the beers between us, nodding to her.

"Thank you."

"Welcome." I smiled at her, watching her hair hiding her eyes from me.

I took a sip, feeling the refreshing liquid slide down my throat as I watched her drink another long gulp. I almost laughed at her behavior. Clearly she's not a beer drinker, or she's trying to be polite around me. Either way, it's cute. I have a lot of fun watching her.

She looked at me with those doe eyes, taking another sip; I had to cover my mouth from how this looked.

"What?"

"Nothing, just you, with that bottle. So when's the wedding, love?"

She narrowed her eyes. Cracking a smile but covered it with another drink, she was almost done with it and under a minute too. I barely had mine halfway out. I felt like I was at a sorority house.

"Whatever, I'm just enjoying a beer to cover all the awkward silences you left behind." She said; was she trying to rile me up?

"Oh is that now? The beer couldn't be that good I knew it."

She bit her lip, really trying not to laugh and chugged the rest of the bottle, placing it on the counter.

She looked down, then to the side, playing with her shirt again. "I don't think I've ever seen a guy act that way. Like you just did."

Oh no, she was bringing up my fumble. Think fast Louis. "Uh, yeah well, I was feeling light headed, didn't eat much today. In fact I was meaning to get some grocery but I lost track of time."

I drank my beer, watching her watch me. She looked at me like she was studying me. She's a human lie detector too. Shit. We are perfect for each other. As if it can get anymore obvious.

"You're worse at lying than me. Louis Tomlinson has an ass to provide for. No way I'm gonna believe that shit for a second."

She grabbed my beer, taking a swig and placed it in front of me.

She then sat on the stool near the counter, twirling around. "How about the truth Lou? It shall set you free."

She stretched out the "e" in the word and whirled around several repetitions until I came around to stop her. My head was above hers. I liked this position. I felt possessive, hungry, alert and extremely aware.

"This just proves you were checking out my ass. Its ok, I get it. You're curious about it, I know."

"You're a dick."

"And you're just curious, perhaps your mind wonders a bit, it's normal. Just admit it for once."

"Never…"

She placed her hands on my chest, feeling my heart that was destroying my ribcage at this point. I watched her hands instead of pushing me away, sliding up to cuff my collar, turning it up the same way I looked when I was 16 as Danny Zuko. Carrie reminded me of Rizo in a lot of ways. Feisty, solid, confident, but completely vulnerable underneath it all. I'm glad Carrie wasn't anything like Sandy. Rizo held a mystery that Sandy never had. I can't understand guys wanting to be with someone so perfect one minute then turned into a slut by the end of it. Rizo was so much better than any character in _Grease._ Hannah was a Rizo, I couldn't help but think of her for a second. She was my first girlfriend and the reason for all my confidence.

"Louis? You alright?"

I pulled away from the thought and opened my eyes again. I saw Carrie check my face, looking for me. I'm right here. God, why was I thinking of Hannah all over again? Why was I being pulled back to those memories of Louis Austin? Not Tomlinson? Where's that guy? Maybe because Carrie didn't make me think that I was this Tomlinson guy. I can be Louis Troy Austin with her. I didn't need this sass account anymore. I needed her.

I feel awful to cover all of this so I pushed it away as best I could and distracted myself by moving some hair that fell in her eyes.

"Yeah, I am." I moved closer to her face, kissing her cheek, moving to her ear to say more. "You're so special to me. Really, I want you to know this, because you make me feel special too.

She touched my wrists, bringing my hands down to my lap. "I find it so hard not to feel special when you look at me."

I pulled back, widening my eyes, she laughed, pushing my chest. "Feel special now? Do ya? That's my Care-Bear stare. Yup yup."

She placed her hand on my chest but she didn't push. She kept it there, fully knowing my heart was beating so fast because of her.

"I haven't heard that name since middle school."

"Haha, sorry love. I find it cute as hell."

"Ever the comedian."

"But _your_ comedian."

"You're sucha dork it's not even funny." She laughed.

"Oh wait, it's not funny, so why did you bloody laugh at me?" I commented dramatically.

"Because you are very special Louis William Tomlinson." She emphasized my full name.

"Actually that's my stage name…" Time to tell the truth, well, sorta. I gotta start somewhere right?

She looked at me with curious eyes, biting her lip flirtatiously. "Oh, is it? What's your real name?"

She leaned her chin on her palm and I was wondering why she was being so adamant on knowing this. I would have told her anyway but it seemed like now she really wanted to know what my name is.

"Well, it's Mark's name. The step-father. When my dad left, mum remarried, had my sisters, I took his name."

I hadn't realized I was talking faster than I intended now. It's a sign when I'm uncomfortable. But she asked me so I couldn't avoid answering.

"What about your middle name?" She asked, placing her warm hand on my cheek.

"William? Its Mark's too. It's a British thing. We take the same middle names usually."

She smiled, locking her eyes with me. Her pupils were dilating and I was curious what she was thinking now. Her eyes danced over my face then back up to my eyes, staying there indefinitely.

"What's your real name Louis?"

"My birth name?" I bit my lip playfully, feeling the sass seep back in me. She was being flirty too so I gave it right back. "Well look who's bleeding curious now?"

"Does that mean you're not going to say?" She moved closer to me, practically talking in my face and licking her bottom lip before biting it. When she's being this playful how could I resist not being at her mercy?

I smiled, blushing. I never had someone I cared about this much wanting to know something so personal. Hardly anyone knew the truth about me. Everything likes to make up things about my life and it's almost always way off. Carrie genuinely cared to know.

My lips traveled to her neck, planting a small kiss under her ear. "Louis." I kissed along her jaw. "Troy." Moving my lips now all over her forehead and stopped at her lips, kissing them with all the passion I had inside me now. "Austin."

She grabbed my face, smiling and started breathing hard. She kissed me back and stronger than I had her. I was wondering what the fuck was going on until she pulled back from me, looking in my eyes. I felt like she was checking something but didn't know what.

"What?"

She beamed a big smile, grabbing my cheeks and all I could do was watch her in confusion. What's so fascinating about my name?

"I'm just really happy!"

"Haha, why is it that? Not that I'm not feeling the same."

I've never seen her smile so much before. I was wondering what's gotten into her.

She stood up, bringing my face to hers, touching our foreheads together. "I'm glad I found you that's all. Very glad."

I blushed, almost wanting to laugh at how corny we were being but hell, I felt exactly the same. She was it for me. I can't hide how I feel about her anymore. I just want everything wonderful to start from here. Whatever is making her so happy I wanted to be the one to make that happen.

She bit her lip and it killed me. I go crazy when she does that. Every little thing she's doing was suddenly turning me on.

Then when I saw the worried look in her eyes and I relented.

"What? Caroline, tell me? What is it?"

She started crying; all of a sudden she went from happy to glum in a flash. I didn't understand what was going on.

She looked at me with those big sad eyes; I just wish she'd say something already. I caressed her face, watching her lean into my hand. Something was bothering her and it killed me not knowing a thing about it.

She removed my hands again, looking down at our hands interlocked, smiling to herself.

"Just overwhelmed is all. I didn't think I'd ever see you. On the day of the audition especially." She released my hands and turned around, leaning her hands on top of the couch in the living room.

She closed her eyes then wiped the corner of them quickly. She didn't want me to see her cry. I wish she'd let me in right now. I'm trying to talk to her and she's pushing me away. I came forward to stand next to her, trying to look at her face, wondering where her thoughts were now.

I know it would eventually get asked so I just went with it.

"What happened that day Carrie? Why couldn't I find you?" I moved some hair leaning forward so I could see her.

She raised an eyebrow; almost in a daze she licked her lips, clearing her throat. "I didn't want to be seen." She held me with her hard eyes, those hazel irises burning a hole in my curiosity almost daring me to continue. "Dreams died that day."

"Why? Why do you think that, love?"

She pushed against the couch, almost gripping at the cushions, her long nails making an imprint.

Tears freely fell off her eyes, too fast for me to intercept. I placed my hand over hers. She looked at it, surprised at the simplicity.

"Because I wasn't enough…" Her voice broke, I came forward before her body hit the ground and she collapsed her body limply in my arms. "I wasn't anything…it was over for me, just…over…"

I smiled sadly, she was hallucinating. How can any of this be realistic? She must be told this by so many people. Well it changes here and now.

"You're a bigger person than all of this…"

"What if I'm not?" She pulled back to look right in my eyes; hers were dead serious and unwavering. "All my life I've been told I'm not. I'm starting to think it's true."

I shook my head vehemently, my heart broke. I felt the corners of my eyes collect tears, but I wasn't going to break down now. "People have told me this too, but it doesn't matter what they think. I don't worry, what matters is me. What I believe in. Somebody close to me told me this. She told me I could do anything and I didn't give up no matter how easy it would have been to."

"Hannah…"

I gulped, she remembered. "Yes, it was her…she believed in me when no one else did, including me." I held Carrie tighter to me; she was pressed against my heart, where she should be. "She told me to stay strong, believe and love myself."

Carrie nodded, sniffed, fixing her posture so she wasn't leaning so abruptly on me. "I'm sorry, I feel like, I feel worthless sometimes. I hold my heart in so far that I can't use it anymore, in anything I do. It's all logic, and in my head I only do what I can to survive. My dreams aren't a big deal…"

She shrugged but I didn't let her look down. I picked up her face, holding her so she was level with me.

"Dreams are everything. I wouldn't have gotten to this point if I didn't have them keeping my life together."

"But, but failure, and rejection, it hurts right? It's a sign telling you to stop dreaming." She said, dejectedly.

I laughed softly, kissing her forehead, when I pulled away, her eyes were still closed.

"I don't stop dreaming just because I fail sometimes." She opened her eyes to that. "Dreams are forever, there are still things I want to do. No matter what happens to me I can't lose sight of being more. Dreams are pure and so is love."

I loosened my grip but she held onto my hand strongly still. She sighed deeply, smiling almost, making me smile with her. I pulled her in my arms hugging her tighter than I ever hugged anyone. She hugged me just as powerful if not tighter. I could tell she was struggling to let me in fully. This must be so hard for her. Living this way when she probably didn't want to talk about her problems.

When we pulled away I suggested we go to the bedroom to relax. She looked at me funny; there was no way to say that cleanly. I emphasized relax and she blushed while following behind me to the bedroom. It was stuffy in here and I didn't want to open the windows just to shut out the outside noise so I went to switch on the air conditioner.

"Set your shoes on the side and just relax now ok babe? Be right there." I said, walking to the bathroom, cleaning up a bit, putting the seat down, all that stuff.

When I came back into the bedroom I drew the blinds shut mainly because I liked it better when the room is dark and cool. Something about it thrilled me and also made the mood much more placid.

"You don't have to clean up around me, I didn't mean—" She started to say sitting on the edge of the bed.

I looked at her while smirking from the nightstand, taking off my watch and pushing all the clutter away. I took the place close to her, my knee touching hers. I was looking at her from the corner of my eye, suddenly nerves were spilling in.

"So…"

"Yeah…"

Had we talked about everything already? Why do I get the feeling we had? I didn't want to have this in my head, this is Carrie…I want to know her finally. Maybe this could be the best time to talk to her before I show her the surprise.

I leaned back on my bed, pulling up to the pillows. This bed isn't used to having more than one person on it, but I'm going to change that. My head was resting on the pillow against the headboard. I watched Carrie looking at me with an amused expression.

I padded next to me. "Come cuddle."

She raised her eyebrows, laughing at me. I rolled my eyes and sat up, scooting close to her and took her hand. She landed on top of me, I could tell she didn't mean that by her flushed cheeks.

"This is not cuddling Lou."

"So we're skipping a few steps." I melted my lips over hers, feeling her respond immediately. She moaned against me and I could feel my body surrender.

I rolled us over so now I was on top, but not crushing her body under mine. She's bit on the curvy side and I enjoyed that. Eleanor was stick thin, not that it isn't attractive on some girls, sometimes you just want something to grab onto. But instead of me grabbing Carrie, I felt my bum gripped and laughed into the kiss as soon as it deepened. She gave an obvious squeeze, making me laugh harder.

"Knew you wanted to cup my bum." A cheeky grin plastered on my face as she poked my cheek.

She laughed, "Couldn't resist," sitting up, kissing me softly before propping up on her elbows, unable to stifle another giggle. "Do you have any idea how attractive a guy with a big ass is? Seriously, most guys look like Gumby down there."

"So does that make me a special kind of freak then? Do you finally find me fit then?"

She acted like she was annoyed with me and folded her arms, pouting. "Whatever…you're such a little whore."

"You love it…"

I drove for her neck without warning, hearing all kinds of sexy moans from deep inside her throat. I wanted those sounds to keep coming so I kissed all the places on her soft skin over her sensitive areas. My hands found their way underneath her shirt again; I couldn't get enough of this. I whispered permission against her neck before my hand felt for her bra again, index finger sliding along the hem lace cut of her bra. I squeezed her breast gently. Her moans were driving me absolutely mad. I wanted to go further but I didn't know how far she wanted to take it.

My fingers went inside her bra, cupping one of her breasts in my palm, feeling her nipple harden under my touch. Jesus Christ. I took my other hand, doing the same thing to the other breast, placing kisses along the curve of her neck. Her breathing hissed and was wearing thin. I smiled against her skin as I gently pulled her nipples under her shirt. I wanted to lift it so badly but she needed to let me know if she wanted that.

"Louis, take it off, please, god!" She almost raised her voice but the words came off ragged, rushed and full of excitement.

I nearly ripped off her shirt but instead took it off swiftly over her head, her bra followed. I looked at her face, her eyes were slightly closed and it was almost as if she was waiting for me to start.

"If I start babe, just tell me when I should stop, I may not be able to otherwise."

She stared up at me, focusing her eyes. "Its ok, keep going…"

I sunk inside myself at the sensuous sounds her voice made. She is just as sucked into this as I am. Time to stop worrying and just enjoy this, enjoy her moans, take all of this in.

"You are so beautiful; it hurts me to look at you now." I whispered against her stomach, kissing a line from her belly button, to meet the middle of her breasts.

I kissed the curve of one of her breasts licking around her nipple before taking it firmly in my mouth, sucking very gently. I was so careful with this I was worried about hurting her instead of making her feel good. When her breathing really hitched up, I got my answer. She touched my head, her fingers swirling in my hair, playing with it. Her fingers tangled in my hair, grabbing at it when I started to suck on her other breast, loving every minute of it. High pitched moans were now coming at me. If impossible, I got even more turned on than ever.

My cock pushed in pain against my trousers and I knew I was going to burst soon if I didn't do something about it. But this was about her and I wanted to keep it that way. I loved how her soft skin felt against my mouth. Her nipples were so sensitive, the slightest touch made her hard and I couldn't get enough of this. I could literally do this for hours.

I was about to continue, my kisses down her chest trailing down to her belly again, going lower when she called my name.

"How far do you want to go?"

I rested my chin on the soft, round skin of her belly, looking up at her, smiling. "As far as you want me to."

My cock was straining as I said this but I really wanted her to feel comfortable. She almost left before and I plan on doing whatever it takes to make her happy.

"What about you?"

"Me?" My brows rose. "Me what, love?"

She sat up; smiling and I could see the blush creep on her cheeks even in the darkness of the room. She sat up further and pulled me by arms so that I was completely on top of her. I bit my lip, adoring the sudden aggression she just showed.

She touched my face, her fingers tracing down my cheekbone over to my jaw and around to lightly touch my lips. I nearly closed my eyes at this. She's killing me with her antics.

"You're wearing too many clothes. Change that." She said against my lips before licking into my mouth, teasing me.

I shed my shirt and came back down on top of her, our chests were touching, and her breasts were smashed against me, her nipples growing hard. I loved this position, I feel like I can protect her and I will because I know she needs it.

"You alright then?"

She nodded, not tearing her eyes from me for a second. I loved how she didn't look away; it was like she was speaking to me through her eyes. I had to make sure she was ok with everything. I didn't want to make her do something she would regret. I hope she wouldn't. I don't do this with just anyone.

She bit her lip looking at me with those eyes of hers.

I felt my cock twitch and I moved because of it. She definitely felt that.

Her hand disappeared much lower than our eyes were meeting. I didn't know what she was doing until I felt my cock being rubbed. I closed my eyes. This is terribly unfortunate. I smirked, blushing, at the same time in utter pain for being so constricted. I know I can't force her, rubbing would have to do. Though that beautiful mouth of hers looks like perfection now.

She rubbed me with more friction and my breathing sped up before I knew it. "Babe, shit…"

"Oh god, am I hurting you?" She stopped but I held her wrist, laughing sharply.

I slid my tongue across her bottom lip, snogging her because she is just so lovely.

"Not at all, it feels so good. Keep, ugh, keep going yeah…ahh…"

She touched my face with her other hand. I moved my body to the side so I really wasn't crushing her. Mainly to give her more room. I hissed the faster she went on me, pumping my cock at dangerous speeds. I almost couldn't take it. My briefs and trousers were really hurting me, binding what I really wanted her to do. I needed to get free but I couldn't say anything until she was ok with it.

"Louis, tell me what you want?"

I could barely think but I managed to hear it, I don't know. My moans turned into grunts as she pumped even harder this time, she stopped and put her hand on the front of my zipper, toying with rubbing me again. Jesus fucking Christ, just touch me already.

"Yes, mm, what do you want?" She whispered, licking my ear so lightly it tickled. "Tell me baby?"

I shivered, I felt her motions go slowly, making me swallow so deeply and close my eyes so tightly. I needed her to take care of me. Why is that so hard to ask her?

"I want…" my eyes opened and I saw hers staring right at me, holding lust, beams of what I thought was love. She loved me? Yeah right…we barely know each other. "I want what you want."

She smiled wide just like she did in the kitchen. I had no idea what she was thinking of and it was driving me mad.

"I want to take care of you Louis…"

I wasn't sure I heard this right. "What?"

"You heard me." I felt her hand slide down my shaft, rubbing my balls before putting her hand back on the zipper.

I could barely concentrate. Right now was about her, not me. I can't let her give me everything when I didn't have the chance to make her feel good. That's not how this is supposed to work.

"Louis, let me take care of you. Let me make you feel good."

My brain flushed, the same thing it did when I got those evil, oh no, flashes…

_Some weird movie was on cable TV and five minutes in I was already bored with it. Charlotte was just telling me about her love for some sc-fi movies including one called Resident Evil, which was based off of some video game I heard._

_**Troy: Come on now Charlie, that's a terrible movie. I know I'm a guy but I prefer romance above all else** _

_**Charlotte: Oh gosh, haha I think you're the first penis out there to actually lampoon CGI based movies** _

_**Troy: Yeah well, my life is running short of this lately, it doesn't hurt to hope it's going to happen** _

_**Charlotte: It will, when you don't go out looking for it, one day she will come into your life and completely change it** _

_**Troy: Thanks babe, I'm sure some guy is going to do the same with you** _

_**Charlotte: Eh…it may not happen, either way, I feel like all that stuff is just fantasy anyway but its still nice to watch, even though its fluff** _

_Maybe she's right but I'm still the guy that likes all that weird, romantic stuff. It's nice to watch, of course being a guy you can't admit that without being called gay._

_**Troy; You never know, lightening could strike both of us** _

_**Charlotte: Ooh, I got an idea, how about we say to hell with all the shit? Let's start with us first** _

_**Troy: Huh? What do you mean?** _

_**Charlotte: Well, until it happens, whatever the crap is that people want in their life, let's take care of each other, always be friends, talk about everything, give advice, give each other a humor boner basically XD** _

_**Troy: You serious now Charlie?** _

_**Charlotte: Extremely, let's look out for each other. Basically, let me take care of you Troy, let's make each other feel good about everything…sound good? :)** _

"Louis? Hello?" Carrie's voice rung in my ears and I shook off of her, singed backward in panic. "Louis, oh my god, what?"

Her hazel eyes bore into me and I couldn't make sense of what just happened. She reached for her shirt, putting it back on; I could hardly do much of anything right now, let alone focus my two eyes.

"I don't know what just fucking happened."

Carrie moved to me but I kept my distance. Why was I afraid of her? I invited her here. I shouldn't be scared of someone I love. I shouldn't, honestly. What I just saw in my head was nothing. There's no way she could be the same girl. What are the odds of that happening?

"Um, what am I missing here? Louis, come on, talk to me." Carrie tried again to move but I just moved off the bed.

Caroline is Charlotte? Fuck _me_.


	22. Chapter 22

** **

**Charlie**

I don't think I've ever seen Louis Tomlinson so scared and serious before in my life. I don't have a clue what the hell is going on. Is he starting to remember that I'm Charlotte? If he knows I was Charlotte the entire time he probably won't believe it, this is my strong guess.

Then if he does, his reaction says everything.

I sat still, confused on what to do. He sat on his desk chair, staring at the ground. My body shook but I tried my best to hide it. If I grew scared then he'll get even more freaked out.

Why am I doing this to myself? I mean so what we met three years ago, said two words to each other, met over a month ago, reconnected and now, these feelings? So fucking what? The problem is if I just walk out of this room I take these feelings with me. No matter who I meet in life Louis will remain in my head and the harder I try to push him out of my heart, the more he'll always be there. I only wish I can tell him this, not be so afraid.

To be honest I don't think he wants anything to do with me right now. He isn't paying attention to me. If he's figured out that I am Charlotte, the depressed girl on Twitter confessing all of her problems/secrets to him, yammering on about Louis to no end, god, I sounded so obsessed. I should leave him alone. He doesn't look happy and he doesn't want to talk to me obviously. What am I supposed to do now? I don't know anything; I'm not in his head. Louis is so crazy secretive with what he says. Sometimes he says the most amazing things that make me really fall for him, other times I just want nothing to do with him, pretending to hate him was safer than what I feel now.

But this silence is worse than him saying all anything bad. I want him to speak to me but I know how guys are, which is why I stayed away from them. I avoided them for a while, it was easy. I got along with myself much better without all the drama. Even if Louis is Troy which he probably is, it makes the most sense really; I can't let these feelings take over me; no matter how strong they are. Sure it means something but when he is this quiet, I just want to fucking leave the scene. It scares me more than I want to admit.

I reached for my bra putting it on quickly under my shirt and scooted down the bed. I bit my lip as tears stung my eyes. Louis is still being so quiet. I can't fall for this guy. He's not for me. Nobody is for that matter. Not feeling anything is more ideal for me. I don't really think love will ever happen for me. I know I sound inherently cynical but I'm almost realistic. It doesn't happen for everyone. I suppose I was just temporarily distracted and Louis was the guy to make me almost believe in love. Now I am just a broken mess of feelings…I knew eventually it would lead to reality…

But I wanted to pretend he liked me as much as I liked him. The fantasy of this thrilled me I guess. It was fun to pretend something that will never happen. Only now the curtain is rising on this performance. I am just a clerk, nothing to offer anyone. I have no dreams, no goals and no real purpose. I just skate by on life bitterly and it's worked out fine for me since I was kicked out of the house at 16. That's the only secret I never told Troy, aka Louis. If Louis and the world found out who I really was, my dark past, what I had to do to survive those two years before I turned 18, it would ruin his life. I can't let that happen, because he doesn't deserve this.

He needs someone normal. Someone like Hannah. She was so good for him. The fans adored her. Plus Louis as Troy told me himself that he still loves her, he dreams of her. God, that hurts. Now I really feel like crying my eyes out and for a man I can't have. He isn't mine, what the fuck was I thinking? I suppose I got sucked too far into this fantasy to see straight. It's not me; I have to keep reminding myself that. He wouldn't choose me.

Horny and alone and maybe he feels a little sympathy towards me. I mean I don't come from a good family. My parents haven't spoken without a lawyer present in the room as a mediator since I was 12. The fights growing up were unbearable. Louis knew this, he knew everything about me and who was I to think he'd handle all of me? He doesn't accept me; he is just lonely and needed someone to talk to. It was all a lie and this was the truth.

What am I still doing here? Oh yeah, I'm afraid to move…but I have to, I know this. Come on Carrie, leave. Shit, this is Louis' nickname for me. Maybe he has nicknames for lots of girls, not that I'm anyone special in his life. I am really no one important. When I die no one will see my burial. It's inevitable, my fate. Being with Louis Tomlinson was a nice dream. I thought it was real.

Just go Carrie, get the fuck up and go. Leave his life; you were never in it, stop pretending it's real. Stop pretending you were enough. Go back to who you really are. Put the fucking wall back up. I cringed at the thought of doing that again. This has never happened to me before. I never had my vulnerable wounds exposed so brightly. My heart was open and I can't remember how to close it back up again. I can't.

Man, I really do love Louis, but I know he doesn't love me. It's over Carrie. Go back to your fake name, fake life and authentically real bitterness toward society. The safe world of unfeeling and zero promises. Don't try so hard to care. He doesn't love you. Nobody did, nobody does right now. Erase him like you know he's going to do to you eventually. Beat him to the punch, he deserves someone normal. You can do this. Will it. This is the only positive action that makes sense.

I stood up from the bed, slipping on my flats. I stood up straighter, smoothing my hair back out of my eyes. My fingers stayed there. I could still feel his fingers inside my hair; still feel his warmth radiating off of his hand when he pulled my hair back. It was a nice dream, yes, but like all dreams, like all fairytales, its over because it never was meant to last. It's been passed midnight long ago. I just wanted to keep it, because I really don't think I deserve him, even if at one point I wanted him, I really did. I fell for him. Not for his image, his money or his talent. I fell for this boy, this now man, his heart. I saw it that night. I saw something in him I didn't see in anyone. I saw his everything. I saw his disaster and I still fell.

But it's really over. Leave before it gets worse and you start looking pathetic. He still wasn't looking at me, not moving, it was like he was frozen in time. Someone put him on pause. He didn't flinch when I moved toward the door, I slowly backed out of the room, shivering, unsure of what to do but I knew this had to be done. I need to forget, start to forget all the times I thought he truly cared as if it meant something. It did, I saw his face, know his secrets, I accept him. Just didn't work the same way for me. He's not going after you, just go Carrie. Stop day-dreaming. It's fake just like your name.

I managed to walk to the closet to get my jacket, putting it on as fast as my shaky hands can accomplish. I went to the door and began opening it but a hand harshly slammed it shut.

Oh fuck…

"Don't. Even. Fucking. Try. It." Louis' breath brushed harsh against my neck.

I painfully swallowed. Oh no, that didn't sound very good. I dreaded what was about to happen next. Louis fingers rubbed me through my jeans. My ass was cupped; he slid his hand in the back of my jeans until he cupped my naked ass. I felt his fingers slid across suddenly moving skillfully between my legs, pressing into me through my panties. Fuck. Shit. Oh my god. Don't fall for it. He's just using you for a fuck. The way most guys do. They say "I love you" and you're—wait, Louis never said this to me. Saying those words are pretty pathetic anyway. They hold no real meaning until you show someone how you feel.

I was writhing; his fingers rubbed me through my panties even rougher now, picking up the pace. I can't stand this. I know what he's doing. He knows I fucking want this. As bad as this is I want him. Fuck him for knowing this and taking full advantage of it. His other hand went to unzip my jeans, pulling them down to my ankles. Oh fuck. Am I dreaming? What's going on? How can I allow this to happen?

I felt Louis come close to the crook of my neck, whispering haughtily against my skin. "Relax, it's ok…"

He licked a spot on my neck, planting his lips over the pulsating veins that were about to burst, he was so gentle with me. He wanted me to enjoy this as one of his fingers slowly slid inside my panties; I didn't like how amazing it felt to have him touch me that way. I hate that he was the reason I remained soaked since I saw him. I swallowed nervously as his fingers buried themselves inside my pussy. Oh my fucking god. This felt too good I had to bite my lip to keep from moaning. I felt him swirl his fingers inside then begin to pump themselves rapidly in and out of my cunt. Jesus. I thought I was drooling at this point.

"Louis…" I managed to say in a breathy voice. "Mmm…" Holy fuck I was sure gone.

I wasn't sure if I even said his name correctly. Was it Lewis or Loueh? Hell if I know, oh god, I think I might get really close to coming. I never cum. I can barely make myself cum. I don't think I ever pleasure myself much. Its bull shit. Even I don't know where my limits are. How would Louis? He seems to know me more than any guy out there. Women always fake orgasms, it's sad but true. I'm shocked that I don't need to with him. It helps that I really like him, that I know him and he turns me on more than anybody. He knows my body, this is so hilarious but guys aren't known to be good listeners. Louis seemed to put all those guys to shame. My hands wrapped around his neck instinctively and I felt his lips back on my neck, moaning from two forms of pleasure now.

I licked my lips and felt my face turned. My eyes opened to Louis' striking blue eyes.

"Enjoy it babe, don't hold back because I won't. You feel so, ugh, fucking good, love." He kissed me roughly as he stripped down my half and turned me around so I was facing him.

I could barely focus on anything other than what he was doing to me. I didn't want him to stop, the more he touched me, the better everything felt. I don't think I ever felt this alive before.

My jacket was removed quickly and my body was trapped against the wall. I almost sunk down but Louis pulled me back up to meet his eyes. He wanted to see the dazed look he was responsible for as he added another finger, began pumping and slowly pulling them in and out then faster at the same time. I grabbed his body for support, holding onto his shoulders, nails digging into his tough skin while staring at his determined face. Fuck, I've never seen anything hotter. I felt myself getting even more wetter watching his face contort. He groaned and grunted the louder my moans were. Shit, now I can't control anything. Louis has me completely at his mercy.

He pumped me extra fast now; my moans were getting the better of me and rising even higher in volume if at all possible. Oh shit, my body was shaking. I don't think I've ever felt like this before. Jesus Christ. He held onto me as my breathing got faster and shallower. Oh god I feel like I might faint. I've never felt so out of my body before, this must be all a dream. The way Louis is looking at me right now, I'd give anything to be with him forever. To be his, it feels like I am right now.

"Come now, do it, don't hold back on me, love." He grunted pumping in and out of me faster now; I could feel my legs start to shake. Oh fuck.

Little explosions were going on through my veins, I was cold but I felt hot, there was a white hot energy that streamed through my thighs and I knew I reached where I needed to be. I came hard, almost collapsing against him. I removed his jacket to kiss his neck, about to pay attention to him now, feeling his erected smashed painfully against my naked half when my eyes widened as my body felt lighter.

It wasn't over because Louis picked me up and carried me back to his bed, staring into my eyes as he brought his lips to touch mine, gently, so softly, I barely heard the sound of our lips smacking it was incredibly delicate. He was taking his time with this kiss, oh my god, Carrie, don't fall for him. Try to control yourself.

Louis laced our fingers together and leaning me back on his bed, coming to lie on top of me. I felt like he was claiming his territory. He looked feral, agile and extremely alert. He licked his lips slowly as his eyes trailed up my body to meet my shaking ones.

"Are you alright?"

I nodded almost too quickly, I wanted this. God I did. I wasn't drunk either; I really did want this with him. Why do I feel like he is not mine? Why do I feel like he can never be mine? I couldn't control my emotions well but I forced myself to do it. I had to hide everything. All my insecurities, though he knows all of them I still can't show them.

"Are you sure? Carrie?" I didn't realize my eyes drifting off until he spoke again.

"Yeah," I looked at him from the side of my eye. "I'm ok."

I really did have feelings for him. As far as my doubts go I have to forget them. Relax Carrie; Louis was right, stop hating yourself for feeling good.

He rolled over on his side of the bed with his arm around my stomach, my shirt was sliding up. He saw my eyes, looking at me very carefully. I really wanted to know what in the world was he thinking. Does he know who I am at all? He's not saying anything about it; he's just looking at me with glassy eyes sliding his fingers over the exposed skin of my belly. I shivered when he slid his hand in my shirt, was he waiting for me to do something?

I placed my hand over his about to reach up to me, why was I so scared?

"I've never been touched this way…" I confessed, his eyes followed me as I sat up slightly. "I don't know if I deserve to be."

Louis narrowed his eyes, confused at my words. "What do you mean? Of course you are. I want to make you feel good."

"Why?" I breathed out, looking in his direction.

His thumb touched my cheek, tracing my face until it rested on my chin. "Because you need me."

My eyes filled with tears but I couldn't spill them so I closed my eyes, turning my face. "I do…I want you, so badly."

I saw him smile from the corner of my eye and he leaned in close to my neck, kissing stray spots, along my jaw until I turned my face to him.

"I wanted you 3 years ago Caroline…I still want you." He hungrily lunged for my lips, kissing me, practically leaving me out of breath as I tried to match his pace. Louis wanted me. Wow…nobody has told me this ever. No guy, no friend. Really, I had nobody saying this to me and I never thought anyone would. He pulled away to whisper something in my ear.

"I don't think I stopped. I saw you, you were so scared before the show, I looked for you, thought about you everyday, I couldn't let you go, but I tried to forget you. I'm sorry I didn't remember you right away. I should have. I am so sorry babe." He hugged my stomach tightly, propping his chin on my stomach. I felt him sniff, oh no.

I touched his head, hugging him back, feeling myself really cornered with these intense fucking emotions.

I shook my head, still in utter shock that he would care to remember or even think of me. We barely met, it was so long ago. He's been with other girls, it just didn't make sense. Girls that had things to offer him. Why would he remember me? I am truly anonymous.

I smiled sadly; hardly getting the words out now. Laying here with him was enough for me but to hear this, hear more than I ever dreamed about with this guy. To talk to him on Twitter, know his secrets, get to know the real Louis, all the bad, the good and the embarrassing, to hear he wants me just as much as I want him is overwhelming. I almost can't understand how that's possible. I am such a basket case. How is he not seeing that?

And at the same time, he's here, I am here and I love him. We're together.

I shook my head again and kissed his hands. I was feeling so lovely out of nowhere, I kind of liked it. A sure break from the closed off, well-trained reserved me. I can't be that with Louis, he really knows me. He brought his hand to the back of my head, looking at me like he was about to ask me something, eyebrows rising.

"Will you let me make love to you?"


	23. Chapter 23

** **

**Louis**

I caressed her face, not caring about anything else in that moment. I wanted this. I wanted her. I thought about what it would feel like to make love again. Hannah knows that part of me. Now Carrie will too, if she wants me to. I slipped into slight doubts suddenly when I caught her abrupt reaction. She looked out of place when I said this. My fingertips touched her chin, stopping below her lips which were beginning to shake. My thumb grazed the soft plump skin of her bottom lip.

I was scared too. But this is what I wanted and it has to be with her. My palm connected with her cheek again.

She leaned into my touch, her cheeks glowed a bright red. I leaned over to kiss them stopping at her lips. Her breath came out shaky; I really wanted to change that.

"Tell me what you're thinking love? I want to know everything."

Carrie bit her lip, her eyes were unsure. "Everything…" I said it again, softer, so she alone could hear it. She seemed to be lost in thought. She laid there for a long moment, looking up at the ceiling. I watched her face, leaning on my elbow. My fingers traced her face; I wasn't even sure what I was doing. I just knew I wanted to keep touching her. It gave me cool shivers that lingered on.

She tried to speak and held back, clearing her throat awkwardly. "Can I just relax, with you?" She looked over at me.

She pulled her clothes back up and I knew now was not the time to be thinking about my needs, even though I wanted to make love to her, make her feel good, it was actually more about her than me. But then I was so turned on right now I needed her. I was a bit disappointed but I nodded, kissing her forehead before pulling the covers over us. I shed my trousers throwing them off and turned my attention back on her.

I made sure she was snug in my bed never tearing my eyes from her. Her hands were folded together. She looked stiff and strangely unsure. Her eyes focused on the ceiling again. Maybe if I mirror her mannerism she'd finally tell me what she is thinking.

I leaned back onto my other pillow, following her motions, waiting for her to take the lead. A second ago everything seemed perfect.

"Lou…" She trailed off, I didn't respond. "I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I want to be here, I do, I really want this, probably more than anything else…" She paused, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. I braced myself. Her hands came over her eyes as I winced. Shit, what was going on with her?

"There are a million girls that would kill to be me, I just, I don't know. I want you so much I can't see straight. Please don't be angry with me. I don't want to hurt you." She said, muffling the last part behind her hands. "I should stop talking already…"

I was completely lost. I didn't know what she was trying to say. I thought about speaking but I just kept silent. I felt like she wanted to say more. I wasn't upset, just, I felt confused, lost in this cloud of mystery of her feelings for me. Were they even there? If she wanted this as badly as I do, then what is the problem?

I was so wrapped up in these thoughts I didn't notice her body turned to me. I felt my hand being held and look down at her small, soft fingers touching mine. I stared at it for a long moment, wondering why I was so scared of this. What was I the one being afraid? Wasn't I initiating this? She wasn't comfortable with it, I should be mad at her a bit for not letting me do this. Instead I'm blaming myself. This was my fault. What exactly? Now I'm just confusing myself.

"I care about you so much." She whispered, when she leaned close I could feel the whispers of her warm breath brush against my neck. "I just don't want this to be goodbye."

I looked at her when I heard this, appalled. "Goodbye? What's that then? What do you mean?"

Her mouth pressed together as she bit her lip. She looked like a wounded little girl that just heard the worst news of her life.

"If we make love, I don't want this to be over. What we have." She brought my hand to her lips, kissing them firmly. "I can't leave your life easily."

My body relaxed as I let go the breath that I was holding in. This is what she was thinking? That I was going to be done with her after we do this? Fuck, I think she's been around too many wanker blokes. I think most girls have. It does something to their heads. I've seen Carrie's heart; I know we can do this. I have to make her believe I'm not like anyone she's met. And if she is Charlotte, which, oh god, would be crazy if she was, it'd make things easier for us. We'd be together, in every way. I'd love her and tell her this every day, if she feels exactly as I do.

I think she may, the way she's looking at me with those tranquil, hazel eyes; I didn't want to have any misgivings about us. I just wanted there to be an us. I have to know if she is really Charlotte, I just have to. Maybe there are ways of finding this out without scaring her with direct bluntness.

"I'm not letting you go. I promise. We'll always be friends no matter what." I pressed my lips against her forehead, closing my eyes.

I felt her grow stiff and close into herself again, she's trying to push me away. But I didn't let her. I pulled her body against mine, holding her as she cried harder. My arms came around her body as she tried to fight me, pushing on my chest like she wanted nothing to do with me.

"I can't have you saying that. It's so much easier. Not feeling so much. My old life…I want it back. Before I met you…before I felt this way. I don't want it! I don't want it fuck! Louis, stop!" She breathed heavily before pushing me hard. I wasn't going to give up. "Let me go!"

"No, I won't, stop struggling. I'm trying here. Carrie. Stop! Please. Don't fight me. Please, love, you don't mean it. I'm not giving up on you."

"You should. I'm not good for you." She cried out, moaning out, grunting as she moved her body so we were so close.

"I disagree babe. Stop fighting me."

Her response was a deep groan low in her throat as she shook horribly hard in my arms, her fists were balled up and pushing against me putting on the pressure crying out obscenities. I found my heart breaking now. She is mine; I have to let her know that. She isn't alone. She has me and she will always have me.

She managed to push herself so hard off of me she fell off the bed. When she went to get up I fell down with her, pinning her on the ground, using a bit of force now to make her stay still.

"We need each other. Stop ignoring that Carrie. Let me in." I promised, pressing her arms to the sides as her body was mattered by my own.

"Louis, come on. You know it's true. You know I'm wrong for this. Just let me go already." I cut her off with my lips, holding her to me.

I couldn't give up so easily, this is what a loser would do. She's obviously met a lot of them in her life. I wasn't going be one of those people she kisses and then forgets. Because I can't forget her. My heart won't allow it.

I pulled her hands over her head as my lips tried to ease whatever twisted notion she had against me. I know she doesn't really want to fight me. She's just scared. This is going to be harder than I thought. She's run from people in the past but she won't run from me.

"You can't be this much of a pain in the ass."

She scoffed, pushing on my chest again. "You really are a dick like everyone keeps saying. No wonder you hate your fans so much."

"Well you're not a fan, so that doesn't apply to you. And I don't fucking hate my fans, get off it love."

"Let me, ugh, go if you don't hate me. I dare you." I released my hold on her instantly. She stood very still, not moving a muscle.

I stared her down, waiting for her to turn a blind eye to me. Nothing. I waited again and she wiggled underneath me trying to get free. This is absolutely fucked up. Why is she continuing to behave this way?

"I can't do that."

"You said," She started to say but lost her words, "you said in my place to tell you go. It's the same thing here Lou. Let me go, please?"

She gripped on my bicep. How did she manage to do that? She squeezed hard, her fingernails digging into my flesh. It was starting to hurt so I grabbed her hand up putting it together with her other one above her head. Now I'm missing the handcuffs and I got myself a fun night.

"Let's not hurt each other ok? Don't, ugh, we don't hate each other to be doing this."

"How do you know?"

"Because you wouldn't kiss me the way you do and I know you better than you think."

Her eyes went wide. Oh I see, is there something I need to know?

"You're lying."

"I'll let you go if you let me tell you…"

She narrowed her eyes. Well this was getting good.

She whimpered. This I didn't expect. She put on such a tough front now the scared little girl makes an appearance. But this was the real her. I didn't have to worry if she was fake, the longer I am around her, the more I understand her.

"How can you tell everything from a kiss?"

"I know who you are when we kiss. I feel everything. I'm starting to know everything too."

She swallowed, avoiding my eyes but I tried to make her look at me so she wouldn't lie. "You don't know everything. Let me go."

"What if I did? What if I knew everything about you and nothing else mattered? Hmm?" My grip loosened on her but I was still holding her hands above her head steadily.

"The real me would scare you."

A laugh caught in my throat as I rolled my eyes. "The real you huh? What's your secret?"

She shook her head, refusing to look at me again. What could be so bad that she's keeping from me? I knew everything already.

"Look I'm just no good for you. You're still just, people know you Louis. It's—" She briefly turned to look at me from the corner of her. "Complicated."

I let her go completely and sat up and off of her body. She didn't move or anything, just stood there lying still, lost in a memory of some sort. Fuck. I lost her too. Will I be able to get her back?

"Carrie?" I whispered.

She pulled out of whatever fog she was in just now and looked at me, instantly sitting up.

I was close to her face again. "Sorry…"

"Why are you apologizing?"

She shook her head as if confused herself. "Just thought of something. Never mind."

Another secret. Oh boy, I thought I had her figured out but I guess she remains a big mystery to me.

"Do you want to talk about it? I'm here to listen." I stood up, offering her my hand.

She accepted it and we stood close to each other. Her wondering eyes where making me dizzy. I was curious to know when she was going to finally let me in, X-Factor questions were burning up. But I couldn't force her to tell me what happened that day.

I was worried she would try and leave again so I motioned for her to sit back in the bed.

"Relax love. I won't try anything promise."

She gave me a flat stare. I didn't understand it. I didn't know what she was going to do next and it made me feel a bit scared.

"I didn't think—" She started to say but pulled back to look at me. She looked almost afraid to continue.

I raised my eyebrows, cueing her to finish.

"I didn't think you'd be so nice." She moved forward and I leaned back on my elbows.

"I am nice. That's my best quality."

Carrie laughed, covering her mouth, instantly turning serious.

"Alright, fine, whatever."

I rolled my eyes and stood up walking close to her. "Come on now. I thought we were passed the attitudes."

She faux huffed and spun around, sitting down on the bed stiffly with her arms folded.

OK now she's just being an ass just to be one. I took the spot next to her, making sure my leg was firmly touching hers.

I pushed on it more, trying to get her to do anything to break this serious mood she's in. I pushed further, this time really hard.

She threw up her arms, groaning at me.

"Stop it."

"Not doing anything, love."

I pushed against her knee again, seeing the corners of her mouth rise. Almost, I pushed even more, this time harder, more like an Indian burn on her leg. Its gotta make a rise out of anyone. I mean no one can resist the Tommo Tummy laughter. She started giggling again, this time much louder, clearer and more prominent than the slight giggles she concealed. I was so bloody close. I want her more lose than this.

Oh shit, the stiffy is coming back. I need a pillow; she'll think I'm a pervert. This is just turning me on too much. The fact that she's such a tough ass but underneath everything she's a fun girl who likes to laugh, this is making me grow harder. Her mouth looks perfect now for the problem in my trousers. Shit, stop thinking of yourself. This is about not making Carrie leave. I am such a perv sometimes.

She looked at my face, slowing down her laughter. I felt caught.

"You ok?" She asked me, laughing harder at my expression. I'm sure I looked like I was in pain.

I bite through it and nodded. "Hey…" I searched far and wide for something to say. "Yeah I'm fine, um yeah."

Carrie laughed so hard she leaned back on the bed and stretched out her arms. The entire bed was shaking from her giggles and I all I was thinking of was maintaining the blood flow to my penis without it interfering with anything. How can I get hard over the weirdest things like laughing? Sick man I am.

"You look like you're gonna, haha, faint." She covered her mouth again but now her hands were over her stomach. I feel like now I'm the butt of the joke and she has no idea what the real problem is. "Lou I'm kidding but oh god, what's the problem already?"

If only I could just ask her to fix said problem. American girls are "nice" and quite "generous" right? I've seen proof of this, especially California girls. Something tells me Caroline isn't like every slag out there. Maybe she gets laid sure, but I don't think she's the girl who'd suck off any guy. Plus, wasn't I a guy about kisses? What's with this obsession with bjs all of a sudden? Reminds me of a terrible fanfic I read once by a fan. Wasn't entirely my fault, Harry sent me the link, said it was the dirtiest fanfic he'd found on me, curiosity and ego centrism got the better of me. Jesus I should bloody stop reading those.

I have a gorgeous girl in front of me, it's not like I need those fantasies anymore. Besides I'd rather live out all my fantasies then read them.

I shook my head, trying to get the attention off of me and more onto, something else. Maybe something more platonic.

"Nothing," I noticed my TV was left on and went to switch off the monitor. Painful erection was pushing against my trousers. OK, best not to think about it.

"Yeah right…you look like you got hit in the stomach." I felt her come behind me but I didn't turn around. "Lou, what?" She laughed like a girl.

I looked around my telly, looking for something. I grabbed some DVDs and spun around to show them out.

"Wanna watch a movie?"

She smiled widely and laughed again. I'd laugh too if I wasn't thinking about her lips on my cock right now.

She took the movies from me, checking them over. "Fantastic 4? Spider-Man 3? The Avengers? Uh…ok, anything you got that isn't homoerotic?"

Oh god, this shit again. I swear people are obsessed with this Larry shit to no end. I rolled my eyes, grabbing back the movies and stuffed them in place.

She put her hand on my shoulder, turning me inadvertently. "I'm sorry, I was only joking. What's wrong Lou? I'm kind of wary looking at the serious you. Honestly, tell me?"

She held my gaze but I couldn't fully make eye contact with her. The truth is I want to bring up Charlotte. I just want to know if Carrie is really the girl I've been talking to all along. That and my horny behavior is getting the worst of me. My cock is dying to be free right now, her lips looked awfully delicious. Oh maybe just a little taste. Shit, I'm slipping.

I cupped her face, looking at her with intensity as my lips came over hers, kissing her like my life ended this very moment. God, I fucking loved kissing this girl. I felt like she was mine in every way. I felt her respond back to me and we both moaned in the contact.

The kiss was getting heated pretty fast, I found myself on top of her again but I felt her stop. She sighed heavily and I dove for her neck, making small kisses as she breathed out again. I can't help thinking is she bored or was she controlling herself?

"I want this." She breathed.

"So do I." I said, meaning ever word.

She picked my face up, looking at me. She gave a bit of a frown, I moved to kiss her again but she stopped me. "Wait."

I licked my lips, pulling back.

She sat up, making me sit up with her. She became rigid again.

"I think you must hate me now. I'm not playing games. I don't know what's wrong. I can't…can we just not kiss right now?"

Well this is the first time a girl has asked me to stop passionately kissing her. I felt hurt that she officially wanted to stop. Those words, they cut pretty deep. I could feel myself getting soft. I nodded and let out a huff of air, collapsing next to her. I couldn't be on top of her right now. She obviously doesn't want me that way. I never thought the day would come when someone could actually reject me this badly to physically hurt me.

She sniffed; my head instantly turned but turned back because I couldn't stare at her right now. I was trying to be off sulking but I found it hard to stay made at her. She sniffed again, turning her body from me, moving to sit up, her body facing the opposite direction.

"You hate me."

Did I? I'm falling in love with her…but I'm confused. Just confused. If she really wants me, she needs to tell me this. One thing I hated with Eleanor was all the secrets, turns out history is repeating itself. I didn't hate Carrie. I just want to know how she really feels. And if she is really Charlotte than we can stop feeling so guilty and just be together.

"I don't hate you, love."

"I don't hate you either."

I swallowed. OK, I tried this from a different tactic. Now to find out if she's really Charlotte.

"You know, a good snog is hard to come by."

She wiped around suddenly. "Yeah like you're gonna find her being who you are."

My eyes went wide as I sat up smiling. Yes. Check on that. Charlie did tweet that to me. Carrie may not know I saw it but I did. It was the first tweet I remember seeing that actually told the truth more than the others. I smiled and she looked at me funny but then covered her mouth.

"I mean, whatever, I don't even know what a snog is. Speak American English already."

I had to laugh. She thinks I don't know already. She's revealing herself in front of me and it's beautiful. I'm realizing my first real friend in a long time is finally in front of me. I tried not to shake in this realization.

"So the movie sounds good now. I'll watch anything…doesn't matter." She smiled; plopping on my bed like it was hers too.

The amused look on my face was priceless. If I could bottle it up I would.

I stood up and made my way over to the telly again. I spun around, arms folded, maybe I could play with this Charlotte/Carrie thing even more.

"So…speaking of, what's my favorite movie?"

" _Garden State_." She replied immediately.

I grinned and she covered her mouth again, blushing hard, I could make it out from here.

"Isn't it _Grease_? I mean isn't that what it says on your bio?"

My eyebrows rose. "I thought only fans read those?"

She narrowed her eyes. "People talk. You guys are everywhere. You're practically prostitutes."

"Thanks for that. But that is only something that someone might search on the internet, to dig up. Care to confess anything?"

She leaned back against the pillow folding her arms together. She looked at me with the stink eye. She just doesn't want to admit it.

"Nothing to confess."

"Good cuz I hate intense confrontations."

"I know." She said under her breath.

Her eyes had gone massive. She acted like she didn't say that. I clearly only told Charlie this in confidence. How would she know this unless she was there? That conversation was late at night too, how could you prank someone all hours of the night? I couldn't ignore the similarities.

I could tell she was already exhausted but I was far from done with these little factoids.

"Louis, what's with the questions already? What are you getting at?" She shot at me.

I shrugged, flicked through my movie collection, putting something both of us might enjoy in the player.

"Absolutely nothing, love. Movie you say? Here it is." I figure now is not the time I reveal that I'm Troy this whole time.

Maybe I'm a little selfish but I do want to cuddle a bit with her. I got on the bed and unwound her arms as she smiled even though she fought it, giggling as I took her wrists, pinning them to the sides. This would be kinky if it weren't comedic really.

"You're sick, what are you doing?" She tried struggling against me but she knew she couldn't. I won this one.

I came over her top half, bending over to place a gentle kiss on her neck, kissing up her jaw to stop in front of her lips, smirking.

I rolled off of her and relaxed on my side as I grabbed the remote up, switching on the play button, glancing briefly at the screen.

She rolled onto her side, looking at me, I turned to her as the credits began rolling and the soft piano music played in the background.

"I lied."

I winced slightly, confused again.

"I need to confess something."


	24. Chapter 24

** **

**Charlie**

I needed to do this; he had to know this part of me. Maybe if he knew everything then he wouldn't want anything to do with me. I was beginning to prepare myself.

"Carrie?"

I didn't realize I paused and collected myself. "Ugh, sorry…"

Louis' eyes bounced back and forth between the TV and me. Maybe the TV should be turned off for this. Don't think Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams can help with what I'm about to say. I've never told anyone this, least not the whole story. Only the people who were involved know about it, not even my mom knows what I did. My dad could care less.

The peaceful music in the move _The Notebook_ was distracting me. I really wanted to come out with this now, just get it over with.

I banged my head against the pillow but instead hit my head on the back board. This wasn't going well. I leaned forward, grabbing my head to rub it. Louis turned his attention to me now. I felt his hands come to the back of my head, rubbing on it as well.

"I have to say this. Will you let me?"

Looking into his eyes he appeared confused at my words, but then relented. He nodded, switching off the TV and fluffed up the pillows to lean on them, staring at my face.

I took a deep breath, looking around the room. Just do it. Tell him, maybe you can get your old life back and begin the process of forgetting you met Louis. He'll probably never want anything to do with me after he hears this.

Whenever I confessed anything, it was bad. People just run from me, they always have. I suppose its normal right? Maybe Louis might do the same. I felt my hand being touched, then squeezed. Please don't comfort me. I am trying not to be so intense about this as is.

I pulled out of his hold.

"Carrie, what-?"

"My name isn't Caroline. Not legally anymore." I confessed, biting my lip so hard I thought I drew blood.

"What is it then?"

Now for the real story.

I covered my face, trying to think of a beginning, some way to start this. Louis told me to take my time but I knew I should push through my fears and be straight with him. I wanted to trust him because these feelings were taking over me. I wanted him in my life some way, by some miracle I prayed he would stay.

Here I go…

"I changed it to something else when I was 17. Before I turned 18, I wasn't Caroline anymore."

I felt Louis move closer to me and I almost backed up when I caught him looking in my eyes, as if to ask me something through them. Then his expression softened. For a second I felt comforted.

"I won't judge you. Whatever you did, I don't care."

Hearing those words of encouragement didn't faze me. I don't why all of this was so hard to say. I'm not that person anymore. Lou doesn't know that girl. He remembers the nervous, awkward girl at the audition. The cleaned up version of me, he doesn't know about what I went through before all that.

I ground my teeth, trying to pull my emotions together. It was like I could see everything all over again. My first experience on my own, literally.

I nodded and decided enough was enough.

"My life before you saw me led me to change who I was, I didn't want to be Caroline anymore. I wanted to forget my past."

I'm sure Lou was getting freaked out at this point. I know I was being vague and I should just blurt out everything. My slow pacing and cryptic wording was fucking everything up. Maybe I felt that confessing slowly may make him less mad. My ominous delivery is already doing a good job of that.

I paused to look at him, never saw him so serious in my life. I've seen this same face he makes in interviews but now it was completely still, almost pale. He looked like he might pass out. His face was a statue but very much alert.

"Before X-Factor, ugh, I was…my parents fought all the time. By the time I was 12, not even, the week I turned 12 my father left the house and my parents were separated. I couldn't function at that point. In school I was always a loner, quiet, didn't have a lot of friends, actually I didn't have any friends. I don't know how I survived it all. My mom and I didn't get along at all. She and I fought about everything. She blamed me for my dad leaving because she told me I was this big failure and my father couldn't handle it. Truth was he had an affair and my mom didn't accept it. It was still my fault. She said I was a mistake haha…"

I laughed; I don't know why I did. Maybe because crying was worse and laughing hid the real me.

"My mom kicked me out of the house at 16, I was scared but for the first time I felt free, even if it was on the streets. I slept in hotel lounges because I couldn't afford to get a room so I pretended to act like I was waiting for someone. Some time into it I found a guy at the local bowling alley that, well, he ran with a certain group. He was from my high school, said he remembered me. I think it was the first time someone actually paid attention to me, first time someone looked at me. I felt like I was part of something. And I was desperate because I didn't have anywhere to go; all I took were a few clothes, my guitar and whatever I stuffed in my case. This guy said I could stay with him but I had to help him out. See…"

I stopped again, watching Louis' eyes glued intently on me. He was hanging onto to my words. I had his full attention. Jesus. He motioned for me to continue, I can't believe he wanted to hear any of this. His serious demeanor was making this feel even more real than me reliving the story again. I took a deep breath, collecting myself, continuing the rest of the reason I am the way I am.

"…he dealt club drugs. I thought he was going to help me get a job and split the rent with me. Turns out he already had a job and I was working for him before I knew it. He let me stay with him if I helped him with the supply. Made sure to hide it in the most inconspicuous places, measure the bags, cut all the dust, he even said I could sample some of the material before we sold it over. To make sure it was legit. I was taking a risk because I didn't know if the drugs were laced with anything. The marijuana, grass and psychedelics I could handle, but…the rest of the stash, I had to make sure we were doing the right business. He was pretty well-known in skid row, he wasn't the top but people knew him fairly well. Every bouncer in the city knew who he was and I got into all the high end clubs, which was where most of the deals took place. There were guys in the club, friends with the guy I was living with, they were touchy with me. No one got too far because people thought I was with Eric, that was his name. He umm, claimed me as his property at one point…"

I shook in my skin. Going back to those moments all over again was rough. My nose twitched. I tried to push passed it and finish my story.

"I managed to get away from everything because someone got mad at Eric at this club. The guy shot him, killing him instantly and all I remember from that night was calling my father and begging for him to let me stay with him. I sounded so scared because I was. I wasn't sure who was looking for me but I knew I had to leave California and live with my dad in England. To my surprise, he actually let me. My mom didn't know this because they were already divorced since and my father left the states and got remarried to someone else. I explained what happened and he agreed to let me stay with him until I turned 19. I felt like being away from home was longer than 2 years. Before I left, I changed my name because Caroline was the name people knew on skid row. I couldn't start over with that haunting me…so I legally changed it before leaving. But because I couldn't change my name in the UK, it was still Caroline, the name I was born with, not my middle name, what I changed it to."

I made it through, opening my eyes finding Louis leaning closer to me, his face unmoving.

"What did you change your name to?" He asked, his voice was slightly thin, I think he was scared of my answer.

I opened my mouth but no sound came out. I felt Louis giving my hand a light touch.

"What's your middle name?" Louis asked patiently.

I didn't have my ID with me so I was going to have to say it. Maybe he may recognize it on Twitter, since he was really Troy, the boy I've been talking to this entire time. Time to let that secret out of the bag. Strangely, I didn't feel nervous.

"Charlie, I changed it to Charlotte." I felt my fingers being laced together with his. I looked at him as he was slowly starting to smile.

He knows…wait, did he? Shit, maybe…he let go of my hand and reached for his phone, fiddling with something.

"Interesting." He said ominously.

I felt a vibration in my pocket and dug my phone out. It was a notification, on Twitter, from Troy. A new DM.

Louis smirked as I raised my brow, opening the message up now.

**Troy: You look perfect to me right now Carrie, so beautiful –Louis Tomlinson**

I raised my head, a helpless look spread over my face. I shook and sat up straighter.

"You knew?!" I exclaimed feeling shivers run all over my body.

"Not until today." He seemed relaxed with this bit of information. I didn't get it. I just told him everything and I'm still in his apartment.

I did feel like there was a weight lifted off my shoulders. Why wasn't Louis scared of me?

So many secrets were revealed just now. What is going on?

"Wow…"

"Yeah, wow is, well, its one word to describe everything."

I dared to ask the next question… "What happens next?"

He pulled me against him so I was resting in the crook of his shoulder. It was thrilling and a bit scary all at once.

"I guess that's the best part, whatever we want, Charlie." He smiled genuinely.

I pulled away briefly to look him directly in the eye. I told him so much, he knows who I am. He knows everything about me and he still wants me around? Am I missing something?

"You aren't, upset?"

"About what, love?"

"Everything I told you? My past, all of it?"

He shook his head simply, I was confused. How could hearing all of this not freak any guy out? I mean, my life has been full of drama, endless moments of how am I going to survive the next moment and the one after that. I hid it all well for the last couple years avoiding people everywhere. I thought it would be too much for guys to handle, let alone Louis. I am such a damaged person. What could anybody want from me?

"I don't get it…" I confessed. "Just like that? You aren't bothered by anything I said?"

"No."

I was having trouble understanding this. My mouth was gaping wide open. He was staring at me bemused. I had told him my life story, he knows who I am, I know officially he's the guy I think about at night, he was the guy the entire time. That means he…

"You actually had a fucking sass account?" I don't know why that sounded so angry when it came out. But still, I couldn't help but think of this, "Were there others you talked to besides me? How many did you fuck around with?" That was even madder. Why was I so steamed?

"Just you, Carrie. No one interested me but you. As for that name, well," His look made me want to giggle but I tried not to. "I suppose, if that's what you Americans call it..."

I couldn't handle it. I was supposed to be serious. I was supposed to push his ass away for not being like the others. He actually wanted to be around me. What the fuck? My lips were pulled together in a thin line, shit, I was slipping. Oh no, I felt the frown on my face begin to twist.

Oh fuck, was I actually…was I really, oh my god, the corners of my mouth lifted, slowly but surely I was shifting in emotion. No, my stomach reacted. My body followed. I hid my face in the pillow as I busted into the biggest laughter in my life. Louis was asking me if I was ok, because it probably looked like I wasn't breathing. Jesus, that was so hilarious. I really was suppressing my laughing so hard I honestly couldn't hold myself back.

Soon Louis joined me and we were just laughing non-stop. I don't even know how long it was, we just laughed. When things calmed down, he and I looked at each other for a long moment. Louis' bedroom eyes appeared suddenly. I still can't believe this guy isn't scared of me. I made so many mistakes, I'm practically an embarrassment. Why would he still want me around?

The back of Louis' hand brushed against my cheek. My head was leaning on his bicep. I didn't realize this until I slowly stopped laughing.

"Stay over." Simple words he uttered. But they were still something from a dream.

I placed my hand over his touching my face. He was making it hard to say no. Why can't I believe any of this is real?

"Louis, so much has happened. You know everything about me…"

"And…?" He prodded. "What's the problem?"

Was he blind? "What? The-the problem is…ugh, you know what it is."

Why was I stumbling? Wasn't it clear why I was so frustrated with him? Apparently my stutter came back.

"Isn't that a good thing? Knowing all about you?" He smirked, sitting up so he was level with me.

He was looking so good to me right now I nearly forgot all logic. I haven't trusted anyone since Eric. When he was gone, as bad as I he was, it felt like I had no one. It was the moment I dreaded. Being completely alone. All those years after I just accepted it. I thought nobody wanted anything to do with me, let alone someone extremely famous, and let's be honest, fucking loaded. Eric had money but he was very secretive with it sometimes. I really didn't want to think about Eric now. But the money is not the issue here. I don't care about Louis' money like many fame hungry assholes out there do. Its about him…the person. Can I trust them? Will they let me have them?

Do I really have Louis? Is he mine? Can I trust someone again? Eric was so jealous when guys would try to pick me up. I was supposed to be his lackey; I found it odd when guys would look at me. Eric once said I was actually hot, but he was roaring pissed drunk when he said this. I'll never forget the times I cleaned him up sometimes because he partied too hard. I really did care about someone who didn't really want me back. He was only using me.

I felt my face being touched, fingertips lightly grazing my jaw line. I backed away as I stared into Louis' aqua eyes, they were shining now. What was wrong with me? I have this great man 2 inches from me and all I'm thinking of is my terrible past. I'm letting it consume me.

Maybe it's too soon. Perhaps I'm not ready; I don't want to hurt him, he looks so perfect now…almost too perfect. All those moments I thought he wasn't this amazing guy Louis knew; it was really Louis all along. There was no way his friend would ever talk that much about his personal life. I couldn't put two and two together because I was so mad at Louis all those years for signing that record deal. Being so green did me in. I wanted what he had. Did I have it all wrong? Maybe he was what I didn't have. But I was just like every other girl, just like all of his fans fantasizing. How was I any different?

"Baby, tell me what you're thinking. You'd tell Troy, why am I any different?" Louis asked.

Only you're not Troy, you're Louis Tomlinson, gorgeous beyond the meaning and 1/5 of the biggest bands in the world. And really, I don't care about any of those royalties. You were the one that was there for me all those nights when I needed you. You stopped what you were doing to talk to me. Who does that anymore? Never thought it would be you, Louis, never in a million years.

I leaned back on the other side of the bed, my head uneasily resting on the pillow.

"It's not different. It's just…new." That was all I could say? Wow, doesn't he mean more than that to me?

I suppose that was all I could really say, I felt his eyes on me again, piercing me.

His eyes were scanning me, trying to break me; it scared me how much he still cared even now. I didn't think anyone would ever care about me. I barely care about myself. I just told him my disastrous life and it's almost like he didn't hear it, as if he was deaf. Any normal person would be freaked out of my next move.

Louis is a celebrity, oh yeah, there is that too. His fans are bat shit crazy; I don't think I've ever seen crazier fans than directioners. If I stepped out with Louis, what would that do to my life? Could I handle this life? Didn't I want this life? Didn't I want to be noticed by people in that way?

The question has nothing to do with fame; it's much deeper than that.

"Do you think you could be happy with me?" Louis asked.

Or in Louis talk, it's simple. Is it? Who was right here?

Happy? That is a word isn't it? That's an emotion people more or less feel. Do people really feel happy anymore or is it in small doses? Or is it not there at all? No one can feel happy forever, it isn't possible.

I blurted out the first thought I had.

"Maybe…I don't know. I haven't been really happy for a long time." I replied; feeling dejected.

Louis turned my face, bring his closer to me, he leaned in brushing his lips over mine. He went again, this time pressing his lips firmly against mine. I felt myself responding back. Kissing Louis felt natural. I didn't have to force myself. It's an instinctual reaction. I opened my mouth for him; he followed me but led me to a place where it's hard to pull myself out of. Oh god, I'm sinking again. Can I really trust Louis with everything? With my life?

"You make me happy…so happy, I just want to give it back to you…" He said against my lips, kissing me again so gently, like we were doing this all our lives.

He stopped the momentum of the kiss, low passionate strokes; I felt his tongue sliding in and out of my mouth skillfully. I wasn't sure what his secrets were but I liked all of them. I didn't care about his imperfections, none of them bothered me. I was starting to think he wasn't like other guys out there. Louis didn't want anything from me. He never asked any favors and I didn't truthfully feel used around his presence. I wasn't forced to do anything against my will. Whatever he did, I felt myself automatically responding to, just me doing what I feel is right, enjoying every second and wishing it would never stop. He shows me affection I just wanted to show him back what I was made of. He makes me believe I have something. As if I have anything to offer. He makes me feel like I do. Jesus never thought I'd actually think that.

In his eyes, I feel like a winner. All my life people were telling me otherwise. There wasn't a person out there who didn't step on my toes on their way to the top. I guess I got so used to it I forgot about me. I assumed it was life and so I stopped trying so much because what I did wasn't going to be good enough, ever.

I understand what he means by feeling everything in a kiss. I loved kissing him because I was feeling his vulnerable side, the one he rarely shows to anyone, not even his family. He wants to be taken seriously and I feel his depth now. He isn't that immature, child we know of him.

His hands were everywhere on my body, touching parts of my skin that I hid from the world. I buried my body under layers and Louis was beginning to peel away those covers so easily. He placed his hand underneath my shirt, feeling my hard nipples. I could feel them get harder when he pulled on them. I took off my shirt so he can take off the rest. The further I go into this, there's no turning back.

I shed his pants, leaving him in his boxers, I was in my panties. I was shaking so hard, he felt this and hugged my body. I closed my eyes tightly; opening them as my lips touched his neck, no I can't cry now. I'm such a cry baby, what's wrong with me?

"Shh, it's OK, love. Don't cry. I'm right here," He said while putting his body on me in a protective hold.

He pulled away to look at me, I couldn't fully look him in the eye. "We don't have to do this alright? We can stop any time."

His breathy voice, with that rasp was making me feel dizzy. I was so confused. I really wanted to do this, why do my emotions have to ruin everything? I've never made love before. I think that is scaring me more than anything else. Oh god, I hope he doesn't hate me.

My fingers reached for his boxers, tugging them down. His hands came over mine. He brought one up to his lips, kissing them slowly.

He locked his eyes to mine, holding my gaze, strongly. "You sure?"

I moved his hand away and kissed him stronger than ever. God I wanted this, I wanted him.

"Yes." I whispered against his mouth moving forward against him, bucking my hips slightly.

I was feeling something I wanted to discover, to know. I was waiting for him to join me now. He was so concerned for me being ok with this; he came out of it, looking at me with eyes bluer than ever, the shine returning. To know I was the reason behind it made me feel so happy.

Louis can actually make me happy. He was a right. That notion made me break inside.

He kissed down my body, between my breasts, kissing over my nipples softly, taking them in his mouth. He began sucking on my already semi-hard buds, my fingers found his hair, tangling in them, grabbing on it slightly. He kissed down my abdomen, around my belly leading to the top of my panties. He kissed me on top of my panties, feeling his tongue lick the fabric as his hands held my hips. I was starting to buck upward when his fingers hooked onto the sides of my panties; gently pulling them at a pace that was so slow I wasn't sure if he was really doing it. I felt his lips on my inner thighs, kissing on open skin on my legs, making me shake and shiver to his gentle pressure.

His lips pressed softly up my inner thigh until my senses were alerted. His warm breath snaked over my skin, igniting goose bumps everywhere. My shaky breath came back; I clutched the sheets when his tongue flicked up and down my slit, kissing my clit, surprising me by sucking on it so carefully. I let go of the sheets, lifting my head slightly so I could see everything.

His beautiful eyes were staring back at me, intensely, checking to see what this does to me. I left out my first few moans; I wasn't holding back, I can't. His tongue swirled around, sucking, licking and tasting my sensitive area. I felt hot and cold. My eyes rolled into the back of my head as I leaned back, I knew he was looking at me but I was too focused on his tongue. I had no idea he knew exactly what to do to get me really loud. My breathy inaudible voice turned into to full fledged moans now. Jesus, I nearly can't take this and it's only just started.

Oh shit, my moans are getting louder, stronger, more profuse. My breathing picked up faster, it was beginning to get too rapid, too much, my entire body was on fire and I felt my hips rise slightly only to be pushed down by strong hands. Louis held me against his face with force, pinning me to mattress as he sucked on me harder until I was about near screaming. I think I was at this point, shit.

"Cum now, fuck." He rasped against my clit, sucking even harder than before. Jesus.

I grabbed his hair, I couldn't help but be rough, I honestly couldn't hold back right now. I let my body completely go and felt my legs shake, my orgasm ripping through me beyond my control. I welcomed it. For a second I wasn't sure if I was still here. Wow…before I had time to react, to even wake up, Louis' face came up from out of nowhere; kissing me so passionately I could feel it run everywhere, through my fingertips, down to my toes. I do mean everywhere, smothering my heart. Never neglecting the small parts of my vulnerability I don't ever show.

I felt his fingers scale down my body, rubbing the area that felt so hot right now. His fingers were a little cold as he started pumping me hard, he stopped after a few seconds, pulling away to get something from the nightstand.

"I can't take it, god. I need you, love." Louis said, making the hairs on the back of my neck stand up as well as half of my body aware now.

His fingers were opening a package as he shed his boxers, rolling the rubber on his hard dick. I didn't even get a good look at anything before he caught my eyes, smirking at me. I blushed under his look, covering my face, leaning back down on the pillow while he finished putting it on. My body was still recovering from coming the first time. I think Lou was going to give me something crazy right now. I don't cum easily, its weird how he knew exactly what to do. I already feel like my legs are numb to the point where I can't walk.

I looked at him again.

He's got that mischievous glare in his eye. The twinkle is still there, he brought his body over mine, rubbing his dick over my swollen clit, I couldn't say I was a sore because I really did want this but I wanted him to go slow, don't rush, take his time.

I bit my lip when I felt his tip touch me, right before he did anything.

"I'm going slow ok, love? Hmm?" His voice came out so low. Just hearing the tone made me not care about how sensitive I was.

I nodded, melting my lips against his as he eased himself inside me, pushing his cock halfway in then pulling out. He pushed inside me again, this time letting me feel all of his cock, feeling just how hard he is. Fuck, I'm probably going to lose it if he doesn't move. It's been a while but with him already inside me, I can handle all he's ready to give me and more.

When he dipped his head close to me, I whispered against his neck to move faster. It was like a green light changed and his entire body reacted to those words. He pushed so fast into me and pumped me so hard I felt my body catching up to the rhythm of his. I wanted him to keep doing this forever. Jesus, did I actually think those words?

I couldn't focus on anything else right now, Louis was feeling so good to me nothing else bothered me. This was true passion. The way he moves inside me, almost as if he knows me from another life. Maybe we did meet in another time.

The first time I looked at him I knew I was in trouble. Louis has the kind of face that I would be so lucky to look at every second of the day. Someone I would enjoy waking up to. Seeing that grin of his in the morning makes me believe in good things again. My panting began picking up the faster the more he thrusted inside me. Beads of sweat dripped from his forehead onto mine, he leaned his face, closer and closer to me as he was telling me a secret.

He laced our fingers together once he found my hands, holding them over my head. I moaned at this gesture, once again in dreamland. Never ever wanting to wake up. I was in love with this man. I wish he knew that. I wish I could tell him. Oh god, his body, I don't know how much more of this I can physically take. I was feeling myself get dangerously close. Feeling my breaking point reach.

"Now? Love…?" He breathed against my face, smashing his lips against mine, pulling away roughly.

I gave a breathy yes as he cupped my face, groaning and grunting, pumping inside my cunt so hard I could feel myself respond almost immediately. I painted, as he collapsed over me, feeling his dick twitch violently inside. He made a dive for my neck, kissing me aggressively, shaking all over. I instantly grabbed his hair, bunching it in my hands, feeling the sweat already drip from his brown tendrils to my fingers. He looked like he just came out of the shower.

My orgasm followed finally, stronger than the last one. Oh god, he stayed inside me for another long moment. I didn't want him to pull out, I wanted him to stay connected to me. I wanted to him to be a part of me, to feel like I belong, to something, to someone. I really did love Louis, there's no hiding this, I can't do it anymore. He knows so much about me. And I love all the parts he hides from everyone else.

And now we've made love. The question is: are we going to acknowledge that?

Louis finally pulled back; I swept some hair out of his eyes so I could see him. His eyes were shinning again. I feel like they were glowing for me only. I wish that was real. It is isn't it? I still feel like all of this is a dream.

He kissed the inside of my palm gently as I leaned in, bringing his face closer to mine. He was speaking to me with those eyes of his.

I closed the gap, kissing his lips before he knew it. I just wanted to keep kissing him. I wanted to stay like this forever, protected in his arms for the rest of my life. Whatever happens, I truly don't want to forget how I feel right now. His kisses reveal so much about his heart.

We pulled away when we couldn't take it anymore. He was beginning to get hard again, it was filling me up and I moaned so loud it made him kiss me harder. He moved inside me again, long, slow thrusts, he was trying so hard to be gentle and it was breaking my fucking heart.

He picked up his thrusts faster, harder, with more energy and power to the point where I felt like I was going to collapse in my own body. God, I was on fire. I didn't want him to stop, how much of me do I have left? I love him. I'm willing to discover myself now. He feels so amazing to me, in every way.

"Cum please. Oh god, fuck!" He groaned in my ear, biting my lobe slightly.

Oh fuck that set me over the edge. My legs shook as my body convulsed. I grabbed onto his back as I felt him violently shake inside me, releasing himself, more than he could, I reacted. Following his motions I let out a yelp, crying out my orgasm, I'm not even sure if I was alive. I felt somewhere else. A dream. Maybe in another realm.

Did Louis actually make me cum twice in a row? I can't even cum once. No guy has ever made me feel this alive. No guy has ever made me feel this…loved.

"Open your eyes." I heard a groggily voice suddenly. It was Louis. Oh yeah, he was here.

I didn't know I had them closed. I popped them open and realized his face was in front of me.

He brushed my cheek gently, his thumb tracing my check bones as he came down to press a soft kiss, lingering on.

"Stay the night." He whispered against my lips.

I swallowed, not really sure how to answer that. "I-I…" My stammering returned. Shit. Just say it already.

He pulled out of me slowly, discarded the rubber into the bin and curled up in the sheets, arms propped up behind his head resting on the pillow.

"I want to give you everything." He said softly, staring at the ceiling. "You know that, right?"

I swallowed again, hard this time. Louis wants to give me everything? Oh. My. God.

I said nothing, I figured if I didn't say anything I won't say the wrong thing. I hoped I wouldn't. Louis deserves so much better than me. He deserves a model, something perfect, someone with class, someone more beautiful, someone just like him. I am so in love with him and I can't be honest about that. I can't tell him how I really feel. I'm just going to enjoy this. Enjoy how perfect all of this feels.

I silently curled up against his sweaty chest, hugging his body from the side, my head resting on his shoulder. I didn't want to say anything; I wreck these things with my nervous crap. I don't even know how I got here, or why Louis cared so much about me. I'm really lucky. How the fuck did I get here?

I felt his arms wrap around me firmly. Finally I felt protected again. I didn't feel so scared anymore. I wasn't sure how long this was going to last but as long as I said nothing to ruin it, I can still have him near me.

I know I said I wouldn't speak but, I couldn't help but sneak this out. "Wow that was an interesting surprise."

"That wasn't the surprise, love."

I lifted my head, my lips pursed.

That mischievous grin of his returned. Oh boy.


	25. Chapter 25

** **

**Louis**

She looked at me oddly. I leaned forward and kissed her slowly, feeling her respond to me, she was trying to get me turned on again. As much as I wanted to continue this, I think she'll want to see what I have for her.

"Don't you want the surprise?"

"Mmm, I want you." She said, pushing me down and climbed on top of me. "Just a little bit more." She purred.

Christ this was getting harder than I thought. Literally. Don't know how much longer I could take it.

I had to stop this before I get hard. Shit, it's already happening. I know, I want this too, so badly. I wish I could do this with Carrie every second of the day. I could tell how fragile she is, I want her to relax and take things slow. I gradually made her stop and hugged her body against mine. A simple gesture I made that she returned. She moved to pull back, looking at me with weary eyes.

"What?"

I sat up, slightly but didn't push her off. I had no reason to be rough with her. I really wanted to do more, we only just started but, I also wanted to give her that surprise.

"It pains me to say this, love…" I rubbed my eyes.

She nodded slowly and I winced.

Feeling her climbing off of me suddenly made me cold. I missed that warmth she held and it was only gone for a half a second. _Focus Louis._

How can I focus when I just want to stay in bed with her all day, all night, wake up to her face sleeping right next to me? How can anyone? I was going to have to control myself from taking her again, her tempting me isn't helping my self-control.

She looked at me from her side of the bed, eyes scanning me as if she were trying to read my thoughts. She didn't need to; I love her, even if I don't say the words, I can't lie with my body. I find it hard to hide what I'm thinking in general. I have lied to people before but I can't lie to Carrie. She's already had those people and I'll be damned if I become someone who behaves the same as everyone else.

I shook my head turning to face her, taking her in my arms again and kissing her with all I had in me. I can't help myself. I really have turned into one of those crazy romantics people talk about in movies and books. Wow, this actually does exist. I can be happy too. I don't have to feel this ache in the pit of my stomach not knowing how I am going to survive it all.

I met Caroline, she's broken, so lost, so unstable, undeniably a loose cannon, like me, but she's mine, and this is all I know. This is all I want to know. I just want to make her happy. If she gave it back to me it will mean so much. To know somebody actually cared about me. Not just my body, my looks or my money, but my heart. Me.

Fuck, I feel like crying. Is it possible to feel this intense about my best friend? I'm willing to find out…

"Louis…" Carrie whispered when I stopped and started kissing her neck again. "Am I dreaming?"

Are we having the same dream then? It's not; this is as real as life gets.

I loved burying myself on her soft, delicate skin. I just wanted to take care of her. I kissed my way up her neck slowly underneath her ear, along her jaw line and stopped when my face was level with hers.

"I have to stop or I bloody well won't be able to."

She looked at me meekly, a small smile forming as we pulled away and pulled the covers over. I went to get my clothes off the ground, slipping on my boxers and shirt. I can't be naked in front of her, even though I don't care. I may feel the temptation again to continue. As soon as I show her this, we can do whatever we want. I looked back and noticed she put on some of her clothes on too, except for her trousers they were on the ground with mine.

I smiled as I pulled her body against mine, my arms firmly encasing her frame as I closed my eyes, soaking all of this in.

I know I had to do something but right now, this innocent moment had my full attention. I forced myself to let go of her, I needed to give her the surprise already.

Loosely she clung to me but I pulled away to give her breathing room and so I can look at her. Her face had flushed a soft pink; her lips worn out, a deep crimson coloring the curves, making them stand out on her features. I wanted to kiss her again but I knew this could wait.

"Alright, no joke this time. Be right back."

I made myself turn around and didn't look back for obvious reasons.

* * *

**Charlie**

I bit my lip. The only surprises I had in my life were negative ones. I was unsure about all this. Louis wouldn't be like that, would he? It isn't that I don't trust him, I actually do. I just never think I have luck on my side for very long.

Whenever I get happy, something has to mock it up and then I'm left where I started. Back to hating everyone and everything about life.

I don't believe in my heart Louis would do anything to hurt me. He couldn't. He's the only guy who's never expected me to leave after having sex. That says a lot about a guy, and the control he has is crazy. I don't think most guys have that. Not that I'm the hottest thing since Emma Stone or anything, I don't think a lot of guys would pass up the chance to have another go at it. I was ready for one more.

I craved this guy, like I never craved anyone before. I still can't believe all the stuff that's happened since we met, well, met again.

We both know the truth, this time, all of the truth; I'm still feeling nervous about that part. I did talk a lot and ask tons about Louis when I was talking to his alias Troy. Weird, how the fuck could I not place those guys together? I feel like a fucking idiot. I feel like one of the customers at Wal-Mart. Dumb as a box of rocks. But then again, Louis didn't know until the moment I did, should I feel that dumb about it? Not really. Louis did a good job of pretending to be his friend. Half of me thought he may have tried this sass account crapola before.

I chose to believe him for now. I don't think he'd have a reason to constantly do this to people online. Yeah he's famous but that was long ago. I'd think he was enjoying a solo career but that was Zayn and Harry. Niall isn't doing a whole lot these days and I heard Liam wanted to work with Justin Timberlake's producers. Crazy how fast the time flies since the fetus days of X-Factor. I'm trying to have little regrets about that experience. The only good parts about it were Louis and the fact that I got to perform my own songs in front of anyone.

What's taking Louis so long? I sat up and was about to put on the rest of my clothes when I looked up at the doorway.

Louis was holding something behind his back. Uh oh.

"So am I going over there? Or..."

Louis shook his head playfully, "Patience love. Close your eyes."

I gave him a narrowing look. I felt nervous as hell.

"And if I don't?"

"Then no surprise. But if you're a nice person and you close them you will receive it."

"You're an ass." I blew a raspberry at his direction and rolled my eyes before I closed them.

I knew he was coming closer to me but I also heard some noise mixed in.

"OK, open them." he whispered.

I slowly opened them up to see an envelope in front of me, Louis was holding it near my hand and I looked at him oddly.

"What, no diamonds?" I smirked. I hesitated before touching it.

"You don't have to be so afraid Carrie. Go ahead." He told me gently, placing the envelope on my lap.

I made a small prayer before taking it in my hands and opening it slowly. I could feel Louis' heart and breathing speed up as I tore the corners and took the folded paper out of the envelope.

As I as read the top to the bottom my hands were shaking more than before.

"I can't believe you did this for me." I moved the paper from my face, and then reread it again to make sure it was real. "Isn't this mainly a high profile place? I don't understand, how did you make this happen?"

Louis leaned in, smiling as he kissed my cheek. He lingered near my face, before pulling away to look at me seriously.

"Because I saw how much you wanted it that day at the auditions. I saw it at the guitar shop. And I'm looking at it right now. It's not over Carrie; nothing is over when this is what you really want."

I stood up, not really clear on some things. I was ecstatic, beyond the word. But I was also confused. I was scared more than anything. I had very little belief in myself. I still have a small drive in my body to do something with my life.

"This probably cost a lot of money. I don't know how I'm going to pay you back."

"Who said you had to pay me back Carrie?" He stood up, stopping my pacing. He was actually so soft and gentle with me in case I might break.

I'm not going to lie; part of me feels like I might. This is too overwhelming.

"I think this is too much Louis. I didn't ask you to do this." No matter how I said that, it still came out bitter. "I have literally nothing to give back in return."

"You don't have to. This is a favor I am doing for you. This will help you in so many ways. Haven't you ever thought about what your life would be like if you had the proper tools to build your dream?" I couldn't answer him and I didn't want to lie to him. "Now you have it."

Louis was over-simplifying this to the hilt. It's not as easy as that. The show I went on was my only chance. After that, it was just a silly phase. Not everyone can realistically live their dream. You have to think of how to survive. Life goes on.

"Dreaming is for kids Louis. We're adults. You and I both had chances. You won and I didn't. Failure is a big wake up call, if anything you of all people should know that. You have to think in a logical perspective." I said, basically speaking everything my head wanted me to.

He looked at me for a second, his face was unreadable. I thought I may have upset him and now I feel horrible.  
"Can you please sit down?" He touched my elbow and I found myself going back to the bed, sitting on the edge.

I have no idea why I'm doing this, maybe Louis does care about me. But he doesn't know what it's like to completely fail so hard you fall down back to reality.

We were sitting next to each other quietly for a few moments. I could tell Louis was thinking of something to say to me but wanted it to come out right. To be honest, he should know that nothing offends me much anymore. I could take it; I wish he wouldn't stay so quiet.

Maybe I should break the ice.

"I'm not upset you did it."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am. It's just…maybe you don't know what it's like to—"

"What? To fail? I was humiliated on the biggest show in Europe only to come in 3rd place. Do you know how that feels to go back home, go to school with that hanging over my head know we as a group still failed to win? We worked, we tried hard to win first place. But you know what? That didn't matter. We never gave up. So fucking what? Yes we failed; we were embarrassed to show our faces in society. I was traumatized. Fuck, I still think about how much more I could have done to win the show. But I didn't, we didn't win. That's life. It's not about winning or losing. That is just a reality. Life is about the progress. It's about trying. Not afraid of living. Because just living to survive bloody sucks. Carrie, I do understand you, believe me. I wouldn't do this if I didn't think you had a chance to get exactly what you want. I want you to be happy."

_But Louis, everything you said is true. Only I'm too afraid._

"I don't think I can do it again." My voice said, breaking at the end. I looked at him and melted; he had the most sincere expression on his face.

I couldn't help but lean in to kiss him, breathing deeply as I thought of my next words.

"Don't you owe it to yourself to find out if you can?"

"I wish that was easy to answer." I leaned my forehead on his.

He pulled me in his arms, giving me a strong hug, the kind of hug I've seen close friends give each other before they do something big. Was I really going to do this though. That's the question.

"I already know the answer, but do you want to do it?"

My life has been cleaned up since the UK; I made sure to not backtrack when things were going off the rails. I made sure to support myself, life on my own, have a job with benefits and forget the dreams I wanted.

"Can I think about it? Does it matter if I just say I can't come?"

"Of course," He smiled softly. "Take as much time as you need."

"You really mean that?" I asked, slightly skeptical.

He nodded. I think he thought I was a little off so he asked me if I was feeling alright. I didn't know what to say, I wanted to stay but I wasn't in my right mind to continue what we were doing before. My mood shifted. Fear took over. The girl I buried resurfaced. Fuck.

Louis asked me it was OK if he could drop me off. I yawned a little bit and said I had mentioned I had some things I need to do before I go back to work. I could have put those things off for another day. I just didn't want there to be awkwardness between Louis and I. So I had decided to leave just so I can think about what Louis had just given me.

I was just worried about this opportunity. I didn't earn it. I don't even know who I'm dealing with. They could be arrogant, blood sucking jerks for all I know. Would Louis do that to me? Of course this is the city, can't trust anybody. But I do trust Louis and that is what bothers me about this whole thing.

I can't do this right now. I can't think of this while I'm around him. He's going to want an answer eventually. Christ, what a cluster fuck. My brain is fried.

The ride was mostly silent. Louis asked me a few times if I was OK and all I could reply with was "I'm fine, don't worry." I don't know if I should tell him what my brain is going through.

My life was fine. It's wasn't cupcakes and sprinkles but it was doable. I didn't like second guessing my choices. Louis keeps opening up my mind to that world and I just want to push it far away.

All I ever wanted to do was not relive those moments where I wanted to die. Now it feels as if I'm dying slowing doing what I abhor. It's the safer way. I make some money, just enough to support my life, don't live beyond that. Why is it so wrong?

We came up near my neighborhood and sat for a couple sentences in silence after he turned off the engine.

"Want me to walk you to the door?"

"It's OK."

I felt him take my hand in his and I tensed, and then relaxed when he brought it to his lips for a kiss.

"I'm here if you want to talk. Any time. I don't care. Whenever you need me."

I nodded barely; I smiled at him despite myself. He was so loyal I couldn't believe it was real. I had to put on the "I'm fine" act so he won't press me to talk anymore about the opportunity. Because I know it will come up; I'm just not ready to talk about the past. Who knows, I might never be.

I leaned close to kiss him but he pulled me in further into the kiss. It turned irrevocably passionate; my body was warming up like it had before. I found my will to pull away when I could. If I could do this forever I would but I knew my heart wasn't completely into it and it wasn't fair to him.

I needed some time alone. Every time I see Louis, I fall in love harder than I planned to. I needed my head to work correctly before I let my heart take over. I'm afraid I'm going to lose that battle the more I'm near him.


	26. Chapter 26

** **

**Charlie**  
  
The next few days I took a break from everything; which is the opposite of what people normally call a break.  
  
I started working more, coming on time and actually doing what I was asked to do. I was accepting this life more and more, something I doubt anyone really did with their jobs.  
  
When it came around to it I took my 45 minute break and brought my lunch over to the staff room. It wasn't all that dirty; thank god I cleaned most of it this morning. I swear no one picks up after themselves anymore. It's amazing when you turn over a new leaf, you'd be surprised to find how many people still have a long way to go. It's common courtesy when you share an eating area.  
  
I thought about contacting Louis but I had a feeling there was going to be more pressure to face than I could handle. It really wasn't his fault. I keep stressing this in my mind because I know me. I know how this is going to be. I can't bring Louis along with my insecurities. I think in the back of my mind that he deserved someone better; maybe someone willing to take the risks. I can't keep disappointing him when I don't give a clear answer. I know he wanted that answer. He wanted me to allow him help me.  
  
I just can't. I built myself up from the bottom on the basis that I control my life; I live the way I need to live. I was happy. Doing what I wanted to get by. It was enough, for me anyway.  
  
Taking a seat I loosened my work clothes. It felt weird actually wearing my full uniform, complete with my name tag. I feel totally uneasy now; I just want to keep busy. The Wal-Mart customers are going to get on my bad side but I was going to take it easy on my co-workers. I didn't have the energy to go into my usual aggressive tactics. Though part of me missed it, was easier to live that way behind a wall. Nobody can break me.  
  
And nobody can still break me. I wasn't sure if Louis actually applied to that or not. A strong sigh escaped my lips as I calmly dug into my meal, almost forgetting how hot it was when it touched the roof of my mouth. Part of me wished I was in a casual, dining restaurant without self doubt.  
  
This is not right; I should not be thinking it was going to get better than this.  
  
The door opened before I could come up with a reasonable explanation and in walked Christina. I forgot she came to work around this time. I have been preoccupied with my personal drama I didn't stop to notice anything or anyone else around me. I know she hated me, I guess I would too if I really thought about it. Anyone can do my job; they could fire me and replace me with another clerk in no time. But I took advantage of that. I thought I could do what I want and have no consequences from it.  
  
I felt like Ricky Gervais in Ghost Town only I'm not hearing or seeing any dead people. I'm just hearing myself. Maybe this is the fate I deserve. I know Christina doesn't give a shit about me. I hesitated before standing up until I heard my name called calmly.  
  
Christina's tired hazel eyes gazed into mine, making me feel slightly intimidated. "Sit down Charlotte."  
  
She was only my supervisor, not the owner of the store but she could still command people just like an owner would. I complied and placed my food away from my hands. I looked around nervously until I heard her take a breath.  
  
"I don't make issue with anyone's personal life. I don't ask for it and I don't care for it; just as long as it doesn't affect their working performance." She paused and I made eye contact.  
  
I winced, slightly preparing myself for those inevitable words I now know was going to change everything for me. I said nothing as she continued folding her hands together like she was Angela Bassett and I was Taylor Swift circa 2008.  
  
"I don't know what happened to you this week, but I've never seen you work like this. I've never seen you not combat when we give you tasks. Did something happen to you?"  
  
I gulped, not intending it to be so loud. I took a napkin and lazily wiped my mouth. I had no idea what I was going to answer. Christina seemed sincere; her expression led me to believe she actually cared about what happened to me.  
  
The truth is...  
  
"I met someone, from my past. Before working here." I paused, collecting myself before I continued. "It's an embarrassing story, I don't know if I wanna go into it."  
  
Christina sighed, trying to look at me but I was struggling to make eye contact again. "You don't have to. I'm really impressed with what I'm seeing these last few days. I honestly was so sure nothing was going to force you to change. Charlie...I really believe in you. I think you need to believe in yourself too. And whoever this is. This person from your past, they seem to want to push you more in life."  
  
Half of me was speechless anybody had the gull to even say that to me...my mouth hung open before I realized it was dropping further to the ground. I caught it and shifted in my seat. Christina couldn't possibly be talking about me. Most people really don't give a shit about my life. It's the very definition of singular.  
  
I found myself not retorting my usual sarcasm laced with aggression, a big piece of me was taking in what she said, considering it might be true. I just wasn't aware of it, that I could abandon what came easy and throw the attitude away for once. I thought it was a part of me I could get used to; most people accepted it so I never thought I could tarnish it.  
  
Abruptly I stood up and walked to the trash. I wanted to leave, right then and now but I had to stay. This was where I belonged. Nothing else mattered. Not what Louis said not what Christina said either. This is as good as things are going to get, I have to accept that.  
  
"I didn't tell you anything, how do you know so much about me?" The words were falling from my lips before I could register I was actually speaking them.  
  
Christina stood up, I know it when I heard the creek in the chair and she walked to my side, trying to get me to look at her.  
  
"Because it's not unique, what you're going through. What would you say if I told you I know exactly how it felt to be where you are?"  
  
I hadn't thought of it like that, probably because I never cared enough to know anyone else's life story. I slowly looked at her as she smiled sadly.  
  
"It's hard, I know. Your father told me a little about what happened in England, I'm sorry, I had no idea you were so affected. I understand why you are the way you are now."  
  
Nervously I licked my lips, "He-he told you everything?" My stammer came back and I winced as I cleared my throat feeling that familiar tightening.  
  
I didn’t realize I was avoiding her to the point where she disappeared and I heard some noise behind me. I turned around to see Christina opening her employee locker and pulling something out. It was a picture. I didn't know what to think of it until she brought it toward me.  
  
"Here..." She moved the photo so it was firmly in front of me. I took it and shared a look with her unsure of what I was supposed to be looking at. "That's my daughter; she is 7 in that picture, now she is 18. That was the day of her first recital, it was the only photo I had and I never leave home without it. I look at it every day not to dwell but to remember, to pass on what I couldn't do because I was too scared and give it to my first born. Look at her face..."  
  
My eyes followed the picture, tracing what I saw entirely, storing it for my memory. My eyes shifted, the look on Christina's face in the picture was a sad smile. It reminded me of something that I would see on a parent's face in grade school performances.  
  
"Now look at mine. I was—I still am very proud of my daughter. But that could have been me. I was 18 once also; I had my whole life in front of my eyes. I gave it all up because I made some mistakes and when I didn't get into the most prestigious ballet school in California I sunk into myself. Then came even more mistakes, ones I could have prevented, I know that now but then I was so blinded by my failures I just got buried by each battle my life threw at me. I was more than afraid. I just stopped; I regret that very much now."  
  
My breath caught in my throat as I realized I was holding it in as she spoke. I couldn't believe how similar we were. I was freaked out and relieved upon hearing this.  
  
"You let everything slip you by because of one failure? Why?" I found myself asking.  
  
Christina took back the picture and placed it inside her locker, closing it with a small noise. "I don't know. Because it was devastating, or because even though it wasn't the truth of it, I felt like that was my only chance to make it as a dancer. One rejection stopped me. I took on two jobs after cleaning my life up, my daughter came into my life shortly after all my personal battles. I had to raise her, I needed to focus on taking care of another person beside myself and I had no idea how I was going to do it. I went to my parents and they couldn't help me."  
  
My jaw dropped when she said that. "How did you fix everything?"  
  
She took a seat as I followed her back to the table. She seemed quiet until she locked eyes with me, calmly folding her hands in front of her.  
  
"I'm a work in progress. I'm still fixing everything. What I wouldn't give to have a second chance to go back and make the right choices after I was rejected. But I know that too much time has passed and I'm no longer going to live in the past anymore."  
  
Christina's story was so sad, I had no idea how to feel. Her story was also kindred to mine, I don't even know what kind of personal trouble she was in but it felt like something she had to claw her way out of it.  
  
My mind flew back to Louis, how he looked at me when he gave me the opportunity to dream again. Part of me wanted to make him happy and say yes. I really didn't want to disappoint him; he seemed to be the only person who really thought I could have a chance. I saw his eyes, they didn't deter. They were looking through me and pierced my soul.  
  
"How do you pick yourself up from a failure? If you had to do it over again, what would you have done?" I tensed while asking this, almost biting my nails for Christina's answer.  
  
She looked at me as she smiled simply like it was second nature to her. "I would do everything possible to make sure I was living my dreams. I would keep on until I go there then I would continue chasing where it leads me. I would also listen to the people who told me to never give up."  
  
Not a moment later I fixed my work uniform back on and checked my tag to make sure it was straight. After throwing away my trash, I turned around to look at Christina before clearing my throat.  
  
"You are an amazing person; I'm sure your daughter feels very lucky to know you didn't give up on her dreams."  
  
Her eyes were sending a gentle glance my way, "I'm the lucky one, seeing her happy is more than enough for me. She's my world, she's my baby and I would do anything to make sure she lived her dreams."  
  
I looked down, smiling slowly. "I guess, so, it's never too late then?"  
  
"For you, Charlie, you can do anything. You don't belong here; you belong where your heart takes you. That's what I tell Penny."  
  
I felt my eyes water as I nodded softly and turned my face around before I cried. But I wasn't feeling sad; no…this was something crazy new. Something I could use in my life.  
  
"It's not too late," I whispered, smiling as I went back to my station, feeling a rush of elation fill every corner of my body.


End file.
